Penderyn CubeJan 8, 2023
Geraldine

I've been researching how ancient civilizations cleaned their butts after pooping (I'm writing a book!) and y'all, the Ancient Greeks were SUPER punk rock. They used bits of broken ceramic like a scoop (don't worry - the edges were smoothed out) and sometimes THE BITS OF POTTERY WERE INSCRIBED WITH THE NAMES OF THEIR ENEMIES.

They literally wiped their butts with their enemies' names. I am in awe.

https://daily.jstor.org/this-is-how-they-wiped-themselves-in-ancient-rome/#:~:text=Ancient%20Greeks%20exiled%20their%20enemies,%2C%E2%80%9D%20it%20was%20a%20curse.

This Is How They Wiped Themselves in Ancient Rome - JSTOR Daily

A very gross but extremely informative look at the archaeology of toilet hygiene.

JSTOR Daily
Jan 6, 2023 at 8:19pmWeb
Show threadGeraldineJan 6, 2023

Anyway, here's a delightful image taken from a Greek drinking chalice of a cheerful gentleman about to clean his butt with a poop-wiping rock.

https://collections.mfa.org/objects/153722/drinking-cup-kylix?ctx=87ae0bdf-2c6c-4d5e-8022-a651ed1e7bfb&idx=1

Drinking cup (kylix)

Tondo of Drinking Cup wth a bearded man with cloak and staff squatting right--he is shown defecating--scatological themes rarely appear on drinking vessels, but were m …

Show threadHeathJan 6, 2023
@everywhereist and a very pendulous set of balls
Show threadGeraldineJan 6, 2023
@HeathC no judgement.
Show threadJohn Spounias  Jan 6, 2023
@everywhereist I love my ancestors.
Show threadGeraldineJan 6, 2023
@d3cline I mean, it was so petty and not at all petty at the same time. I love every part of it.
Show threadJohn Spounias  Jan 6, 2023
@everywhereist it is still in the genes, fuck those assholes how dare they, this is what I think of them. 💯
Show threadJohn Spounias  Jan 6, 2023
@everywhereist modern greek culture's way of flipping the bird is to wave open handed and say 'here' which means, yeah you get the point....
Show threadhauntedsteamshipJan 6, 2023
@everywhereist Thats where you write your "shit list"
Show threadHistoPol (#HP) 🏴 🇺🇸 🏴Jan 6, 2023
@everywhereist lol
Show threadImperator NevadicusJan 6, 2023
@everywhereist This is brilliant. Why has someone not written this previously?
Show threadsylmobileJan 8, 2023
@Ronnie @everywhereist Love it! You also remind me that it has been awhile since I’ve read one of my favourite chapters from the work of Rabelais… https://m.gutenberg.org/files/1200/old/orig1200-h/p1.htm#2HCH0013
Rabelais: Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book I.

Show threadbirdpoofJan 6, 2023
@everywhereist OH MY GOD, @ursulav HAS A WHOLE EXPERIMENTAL THREAD ABOUT THIS: https://twitter.com/UrsulaV/status/1268307633150341123
Kingfisher & Wombat on Twitter

“Gather round, my Twitter peeps, and I shall tell you a tale of scientific curiosity wherein 2500 years of history converged upon my ass.”

Twitter
Show threadAndy LowryJan 6, 2023

@everywhereist
So sort of a dual-purpose ceramics function! Very efficient to think of that.

Are you aware of the medieval Japanese thing where they used balls of clay? I can provide info if needed.

Show threadGeraldineJan 6, 2023
@AndyLowry Hadn't seen that one!
Show threadAndy LowryJan 6, 2023

@everywhereist
In the first half of the 13th century, the Soto Zen master Dōgen wrote instructions on bathing and cleanliness for his monks. The text is in chapter 7 of his masterwork Shobogenzo. He's very specific about how many balls to prepare and use. A good free translation can be had here if you'd like to look at it:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Pq2MCIiUnLUZepRE0OLs1ptkCCWziq6c/view

That translation is broken into four volumes, and this first volume contains fascicle 7, which starts on page 47.

Show threadGeraldineJan 6, 2023
@AndyLowry I love this website.
Show threadDarren du NordJan 7, 2023
@everywhereist @AndyLowry Me too. This is the best shitpost i've seen on Mastodon.
Show threadAndy LowryJan 7, 2023
@darren @everywhereist
😆
Show thread거윈 🍉🌾Jan 7, 2023
@AndyLowry @everywhereist those instructions are very detailed!
Show threadAndy LowryJan 7, 2023
@gowin @everywhereist
There's a point in there where the math doesn't add up and there would be leftover clay balls. This strikes me as funny, given his overall OCD style approach to detail. Something of a peculiar fellow!
Show thread거윈 🍉🌾Jan 7, 2023
@AndyLowry @everywhereist I read that part, and the translator was wondering about it, too.
Show threadSteve UmsteadJan 6, 2023
@everywhereist Three seashells!
Show threadCourtneyMaguireJan 6, 2023
@steveumstead @everywhereist I went into the comments specifically hoping to see this joke
Show threadSo Red The RoseJan 6, 2023
@CourtneyMaguire
#THIS.. I came here to see if I was too late to post it. 🤷‍♀️
@steveumstead @everywhereist
Show threadrhetorical answersJan 6, 2023

@everywhereist

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijFxx--98vU

Demolition Man, 3 Sea Shells HD

YouTube
Show threadGeraldineJan 6, 2023
@swordplay I have never seen this movie but I am amazed at how young and beautiful everyone is.
Show threadrhetorical answersJan 6, 2023
@everywhereist It's incredibly over the top. I could be wrong, but I think it's Sandra Bullock's first big movie.
Show threadGeraldineJan 6, 2023
@swordplay I'm gonna watch this.
Show threadrhetorical answersJan 6, 2023
@everywhereist It's very 90s. It's possible the original script was a very good high-concept action movie, I don't know.
Show threadGeraldineJan 6, 2023
@swordplay oh I don't expect it to be good, I expect it to be entertaining. 😅
Show threadKyle BurkeJan 7, 2023
@everywhereist @swordplay Please report back if you know how to use them!
Show threadrhetorical answersJan 7, 2023

@CGTKyle @everywhereist
research report: this guy claims to know -- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXvXNiOSPPM

practical experiment requested, general textual summaries only please, no specifics

Demolition Man 3 Shells Mystery - Curious To Know

YouTube
Show threadKyle BurkeJan 7, 2023
@swordplay @everywhereist I'm definitely more on board with resurrected ancient Greek practices than what's presented there!
Show threadIan LurieJan 6, 2023

@everywhereist Doesn't everyone do tha----

Never mind.

Show threadGeraldineJan 6, 2023
@ianlurie i lub you
Show threadFaye GothJan 6, 2023

@everywhereist

so the three sea shells in Demolition Man...

Show threadGeraldineJan 6, 2023
@Gothfarts I haven't seen this movie!
Show threadFaye GothJan 6, 2023

@everywhereist I hope I didn't spoil anything! I don't think I did but, you never know.

It's worth a watch the entire cast is brilliant and a little insane.

Show threadmoliverJan 6, 2023
@everywhereist
We modern folk must really hate trees.
Show threadMindy SternJan 6, 2023
@everywhereist this is the content I’m here for.
Show threadDarryl MottJan 6, 2023
@everywhereist So THAT'S how you use the three seashells!
Show threadEwen at LargeJan 6, 2023

@everywhereist

"So honey what did you do at work today?

"Poop scoops"

Show threadStuart BrownJan 6, 2023
@everywhereist So there’s a number of Hadith reports in which Muhammad prohibits wiping yourself with a bone, because they’re food to the jinn. In some of them he also prohibits wiping with dung, as that’s food for their mounts. Presumably the pre-Islamic Arabs were wiping with those, otherwise why the prohibition? Bones I can understand. Dung? Wiping away your 💩 with more 💩? Wow. (I presume it was hard, dried dung they used. But still. Wow.)
Show threadcaprimoonJan 6, 2023
@everywhereist ok so there’s ostracized and then there’s *ostracized*
Show threadPamWJan 6, 2023
@everywhereist No shit!
Show threadDan ShickJan 6, 2023
@everywhereist three seashells explained
Show threadMushifootJan 6, 2023
@everywhereist Imagine if they had something like a plaster mold of their enemy's lips
Show threadJohn HJan 6, 2023
@everywhereist I mean, I dunno, if I got to the stage where I was writing the name of someone who had annoyed me on a shard of pottery and then wiping my arse with it, I might wonder if it was time to Let It Go. A bit like my rule that, once you reach a point in a conflict where your obvious next move is to be photographed in your local newspaper looking very angry, it’s time to take a step back
Show threadJournoActivistJan 6, 2023
@everywhereist So pooping was a group event? I would not want to be in that room. 🤢 And there’s a window???? 🤔
Show threadDaniel JonssonJan 7, 2023
@everywhereist Thanks for sharing 🙃
Show threadTricot FeelyaJan 7, 2023
@everywhereist talk about patent infringement😹
Show threadScott HeimendingerJan 7, 2023
@everywhereist I made something for you.
Show threadGeraldineJan 7, 2023

@seattlefoodgeek this is lovely. Thank you. Two questions:

1. Did it take long to make?

2. On a scale of one to ten, how high were you?

Show threadScott HeimendingerJan 7, 2023

@everywhereist

1. Moot. I will go to the ends of the earth for a dumb joke. (About 10 mins)

2. 1, at the time, but while I was making it my internal narrator spoke in Seth Rogan's voice

Show threadRand FishkinJan 7, 2023
@seattlefoodgeek bro yes @everywhereist
Show threadAlexandra BillingsJan 7, 2023
@seattlefoodgeek @everywhereist ♥️
Show threadPaul AdamsJan 7, 2023
@everywhereist Why? What does everyone else do?
Show threadTricot FeelyaJan 7, 2023
@everywhereist I prefer the artistic touch NSFW
Show threadMizzBassieJan 7, 2023

@everywhereist

Those Greeks were rad!

Show threadjosh buermannJan 7, 2023

@everywhereist

On special occasions this is what I do with my collectors' edition gold lamé plush ply Trump™️ toilet papyrus from the penthouse suite of one his bankrupt hotels.