@darius i guess you could also eat a fish or crab?

@darius best i could ever do is a "beached body" according to my doctor.

@darius i need more specific instructions. how much salt do i need to consume?

@darius i think that's painting an unrealistic body expectation. earth is 70% water and only like 1% sand and i think that's fine for us too. strive to be covered in soils and plants instead

@darius 1) be me 2) QED

@darius Misread instructions, replaced 30% with salt, now nobody wants to play UNO with me anymore. 3/10.

@darius thought sand was a typo. Rolled around in the snow, and didn’t get a beach body. Directions still unclear.

@darius 😂

@darius So when they say "pound sand" they mean chug it?

@darius Silly me. I thought having a beach body would involve a kidnapping

@darius And for extra realism, shriek like a seagull at random intervals.

@darius I've done the science on this. It checks out.

@darius lol

@darius no man is an island, but you could become 20-30% island

and then if you take naked pictures of yourself in this form, these are gonna be sand nudes

@darius 🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

@darius
you also need to place a heart-shaped locket underneath your ribs...

@darius finally a twitter quality insight

@darius A lot of beach sand is biological in origin so mission accomplished.

@darius I'm male, pregnant and 40 does that matter?

@darius or: 1. Have a body, 2. Go to the beach

@darius
I thought beach sandals were enough, but it seems it has to be all sand after all.

@darius I think you might need some salt

@darius
Or, much easier: You have a body, go to the beach.

@darius
If it a British Beach expect lots of sewage in your environs.

@darius technically silicon is sand, so... water cooled cyborg?

@darius Ha, ha, ha.

@darius this is the quality content i love about our instance

@darius or marry one? ha ha

Thanks for the laugh! (Actually startled the lovely person across the table...) @darius

@darius well the brain does become glass if you cook it hot enough

@darius How to have a beach body:
* Have ten legs
* Hard shell
* Be grabby

@darius Supporting the Russian Military Compost Dept.Aka..UKRAINE FERTILIZER… Decaying Russian bodies help plants grow and be released back to mother earth... 1. Nitrogen makes up 3.4 percent of human body.... 2. Phosphorus is 1.3 percent and 3. Potassium...on average there is 135 grams of potassium-potash in the human body and all given back to nature, thus so beautiful, we have the cycle of life, in Ukraine.

@darius You're now a water cooled computer.

 

@darius 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

@darius I don't like sand. It's coarse, rough, and irritating. And it gets everywhere.

@darius I'm going to opt to replace sand with salt, in which case bring on the bacon, cheese, and holiday ham

@darius hahahahaha!! They call me the Sandman!!

@darius Good tip. Soon I will be host to a rich microbiome of burrowing bivalves, seaweed and wading birds.

@darius Then go fight Spider-Man.

@darius I enjoyed this laugh!!!

@darius @HollyGoDarkly But what if I don’t like sand because it’s rough and coarse and it gets everywhere?

@darius 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

@darius @PeoriaBummer Just don’t get crabs

@darius sound logic!

@darius 

@darius is that just mummification minus the bandages?

@darius @JonBaker You've already got the crabs so...

@darius 0) carcinize

@darius This approach seem pretty hard to swallow...😂

@darius My name is mud, so …