Erin Reed

Trans allies: avoiding pronouns will NEVER make it easier to learn a trans person's new name/pronouns.

There's a way to fix that. OVERUSE of pronouns/names instead. It may sound ridiculous but it works.

Here's how it works.
Don't forget to subscribe.

https://erininthemorn.substack.com/p/stop-doing-the-pronoun-dance-how

Stop Doing The Pronoun Dance: How To Remember Your Trans Friends Names/Pronouns

Many allies think that by avoiding pronouns and names, they are going to prevent themselves from "slipping up." This actually hurts your ability to memorize new names and pronouns. Try this instead.

Erin In The Morning
Dec 17, 2022 at 3:47pmWeb
Show threadErin ReedDec 17, 2022

Believe it or not, a lot of trans people struggle with misgendering and deadnaming others, and even ourselves, often.

And wanna know something cool?

This trick works for us as well!

Show threadErin ReedDec 17, 2022

Here's a great example, if you were for instance my mom struggling to learn my pronouns when I was early in transition:

"ERIN was driving to the store to pick up stuff off of ERIN's list so that when SHE came home SHE would be prepared for the week, right ERIN?"

Show threadErin ReedDec 17, 2022

It's gonna sound dumb and silly at first but god it works. I have yet to meet any cis ally that does this that can't remember someone's pronouns.

"It's hard" isn't an excuse anymore. There are ways to remember.

Show threadthat weird queer (they/them)Dec 17, 2022
@ErinInTheMorn — people forget that language is partially muscle memory and the more you practice the easier it is.
Show threadMy Emu Is EmoDec 17, 2022

@ErinInTheMorn This is literally what I did when one of my musician acquaintances back east came out as trans. I was used to seeing content released with her former identity, so every time I saw a new IG from her, I’d practice. “SHE is such a brilliant lyricist. SHE has such fascinating side projects. Isn’t SHE amazing?”

Worked perfectly.

Show threadViolinknitterDec 17, 2022
@myemuisemo @ErinInTheMorn Yes, I’ve done this too! As I’m going about my day (in the car, doing the dishes), I’ll talk out loud to myself about the friend who is transitioning and practice their name and pronouns. I still slip up occasionally, but it makes it a lot easier! Just building those new neural pathways and using them frequently so they become the brain’s default.
Show threadTsumami Dec 17, 2022
@ErinInTheMorn I feel like it’s never been difficult for me because I’ve always went out of my way to use they or them in place of “he” in so many areas of regular language where masculinity is dominant.
Show threadShady JadeDec 17, 2022

@ErinInTheMorn Honestly, even a couple of years in, I brought this trick to bear on the last bastion of self-deadnaming, the *self-curse*.

When you do something bad, and say "Dammit, ____", deadname flows so freely, and you just have to do it more, properly, and it works!

💪

Show threadSerenaDec 19, 2022
@lampjaded @ErinInTheMorn This is so true! I do that all the time, and then I feel guilty/spiral into imposter syndrome. I should try practicing like this, too.
Show threadShady JadeDec 19, 2022

@Serena @ErinInTheMorn My best ally at work deadnamed me two months ago with the set phrase, "Dammit, ____".

He was *mortified*.

I told him he just needed some practice.

And I made SURE he got a LOT of "Dammit, Jade" practice in! 😅😅😅

Definitely practice your self-talk and you WILL get over it, and that will help ameliorate the *##^$& impostor syndrome ❤

Show threadpheebsDec 18, 2022
@ErinInTheMorn ERINS HERE 
Show threadAstridBearsDec 17, 2022

@ErinInTheMorn

During early transition is hard for the person, too! My kid has a friend who first thought they were NB, then trans girl (and picked a girl name), then NB again and picked a NB name.

Unfortunately my kid isn’t keeping me updated so I was using the girl name after they switched to the NB name…

It’s a process!

Show threadluneellise21 (xe/xer)Dec 17, 2022
@ErinInTheMorn finally someone said it! I often find myself feeling guilty that I sometimes use my previous pronouns when I write about my bio. I keep on thinking, maybe I'm fake ='( ...
Show threadChris DownieDec 17, 2022
@ErinInTheMorn I appreciate you saying this. I def find I misgender myself occasionally, especially when stressed or tired. Glad I’m not the only one.
Show threadKatieDec 17, 2022
@ErinInTheMorn I just read this, and it’s great. Thanks for putting it together!
Show threadKootenayGirlDec 17, 2022
@ErinInTheMorn this is so true. I made mistakes several times with my Trans friend but everytime I apologized and focused on using the right name and pronouns so it got easier. Practice makes perfect after all.
Show threadJohn C Dec 18, 2022
@ErinInTheMorn i need this but for cis people. I forget everyone’s names
Show threadMFKMikeDec 18, 2022
@ErinInTheMorn Not only has this helped me be a better supporter of my Trans associates, but I have ALSO adopted this with EVERYONE because I am so BAD with names and this works so well.
Show threadOliDec 19, 2022

@ErinInTheMorn

Its a great strategy, using they/their does cause me to occasionally um and er ...though i am getting better
Great strategy, thank you