Professional MoronAgony Aunt: “Boyfriend listens to TECHNO music for sleep!” 📻
When one is about to go to sleep, one may choose to listen to relaxing noises such as whale song, rainfall, birds chirping, working class geezers belching, and TECHNO, TECHNO, TECHNO.
As there’s no limit. There’s no limit, we’ll reach for the sky, no valley too deep, no mountain too high. No, no limits etc. Unless of course you’re like today’s human female, who can’t fall asleep due to her human male husband’s noise related sleeping process.
Techno Music as a Sleep Assistant
Dear agony aunt,
I have not slept properly since November 2025. My husband… sorry, boyfriend, we’re not married… my boyfriend got a ghetto blaster for his birthday from his mates. Him and his mates have got into this trend called Techno Sleeping where they go to bed and fall asleep to the pelting sounds of techno music blasting at full volume. My boyfriend has dedicated his bedtime routine to this for six months now. Here’s the problem:
- He does not get any sleep
- I do not get any sleep
- Our neighbours do not get any sleep
- The local council has just issued us with a £5,000 fine for repeated noise disturbances
My boyfriend? He’s so dedicated to this Techno Sleeping thing and blasting out 2 Unlimited’s 1993 techno hit No Limit. He’s worried his mates think he’s “not cool” if he stops. So it’s No Limit on repeat all night from 10pm until 7am and I’m genuinely amazed I haven’t smashed his brains in with a sledgehammer or something.
And I even bought a sledgehammer for that exact purpose! I just also realised it’s murder and all that, so stopped myself. But one more night of this… ONE MORE NIGHT OF NO NO, NO NO NO NO, NO NO THERE’S NO LIMIT. There is a limit FFS and I’m one step away from it!
The submission abruptly ended there, but the women contacted us again this morning with the below update.
Well I went and did it. I got the sledgehammer. In a rage. In a sleep deprivation rage! While I was screaming like that bit in The Exorcist when her head twists around. Then I did it! I went and SMASHED his goddamn ghetto blaster! I smashed the fucker to smithereens in a rage, dragged the debris outside into the street, and BURNED the debris into the ground!!!!!!!
My boyfriend has since entered a state of shock and is now in what’s called a “fugue” dissociative state. His hair has turned white and he then entered a coma. Doctors at the hospital told me it’s acute, horrific trauma caused by me destroying his ghetto blaster in a rage.
If he cops it, they’ve told me I’ll get a manslaughter charge.
Struggling with insomnia, I remembered that bit from the Naked Gun reboot with Liam Neeson and said, “Man’s laughter?! Must have been quite the joke!” The police officers did not appreciate that joke. They all gave me stony stares and my flat is now under 24/7 surveillance to ensure I don’t destroy any other ghetto blasters.
Advice?
Thanks, Abbie
Hi there, Abbie! Well, that’s quite the pickle you’re in there. We can’t say we’ve had to deal with any specific situations like this before, you’re a true one off.
However, our learned agony aunt genius (we’re winners of Worst Agony of the Year Award in 2016, 2017, 2019, 2022, 2023, and a projected win for 2029) tells us the obvious answer. And it is this…
Don’t destroy anymore ghetto blasters.
That should do the trick, love! Unless you get his with a manslaughter charge. Maybe then you could try that Naked Gun joke on a judge and hope he has a better sense of humour than those coppers. 👍
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