🌙The life that goes nowhere
Welcome or welcome back reader. Here we are again…. Me and my nonstop yapping about my misery.
I realized something just now. my life is going nowhere. like literally. I was laying on the couch while my guy doing his stupid game developing next me and I was thinking…. “I hope he finish the game someday then it will be my time to shine”… So i said it out loud: “I cant wait when the game is done so you can put this much time and effort to be with me”. his reaction of course “uhum”… and that he want to do something with his life… well no shit Sherlock… I would want too but Im here waiting for you to change, to finally make me feel like a partner, or for maybe get married finally after 5 years… He engaged me 3 times and in the end we never got married and if I bring up the topic of Im being miserable, I dont want to wast more time here waiting, or just he should act more like a partner he shuts me down. the other day midsummer night we was out just driving around, I randomly bring up the topic and his reaction was: ” it was such a nice midsummer why have to ruin it?”… Well Im very sorry that I want to move forward too and not just being in a pause bc you cant decide if you want to be with me or not. It sucks bc I gave up my home and my heritage for this guy… and all I got is this… misery… You can say Im needy or whatever… but I dont think the bare minimum is needy here. I just want to belong, or be treated like I matter, or as a partner, or a person at least. I dont want fancy stuff, but at least sometimes a cuddle? or a proper kiss not just stupid pecks on lips…. maybe something physical??? It sucks….I feel miserable, disgusting and worthless… Im absolutely unmotivated to study his language, to live in his country, or to even stay alive… I dont think thats the right direction, but also…. Im too faithful to go on dating sites or leave bc I seen he can be caring… or at least he faked it well in the beginning. It hurts… I feel scammed and trapped. I have nowhere to go, I have no money to leave bc I try to be useful and give to him all I have, and I have nobody to ask advice from… I wish I met him some other times of my life. When I still had self confidence and knew my self worth… I would have probably already walked away then…. But now … He knows I cant do that so he dont even care about this relationship. I used to write journal, and already 4 years go I was writing about how unhappy I am with him… Even showed it to him… but no reaction. always just the promises of yes yes I will do better… or shut me down. Recently I noticed that I not even act myself anymore. I noticed that showing a slight of personality just made me feel uncomfortable bc of his reactions, so I shut myself down. COMPLETELY! Im an empty sad shell waiting to live again… and I fill the emptiness with anxiety, fear, sadness and unnecessary amount of snacks so at least I keep gaining weight too… thats it… thats me.
Alright he came in to the studio and gave a short shoulder massage bc my back is so messed up from stress. yes Im stupid enough to take this as something awesome and kind feel like I forgive all the misery… but still It will be gone soon so I will be back sinking in my life that goes nowhere…
#blog #diary #finlsnd #happiness #help #helpme #life #love #mentalHealth #misery #relationship #saveme #struggles #suomi #writing
Kathrin