LadyInaaFoose
juma“this was expected
what did you think would happen
when they’d up and snapped?”
Doc Edward Morbius ⭕@londubh This one's somewhat more generic, but also provides some useful advice:
"How to Comfort Someone Who Has Just Lost Everything"
https://thesurvivalmom.com/dos-donts-for-comforting-someone-who-has-just-lost-everything/
One issue is that we as a culture seem to both lack much by way of instruction in how to address grief and loss (in both others and ourselves), and had a whole slew of bad advice, much of it probably well-intentioned, often religiously-tinged (e.g., "it's God's will" or "... plan").
I find that comfort, solidarity, hearing the person out, and offering specific future-oriented assistance (as opposed to vague, past (esp. re-litigating past events), and generalities) to be most useful.
The neighbourhood organising to ensure that ready-to-heat or ready-to-eat meals appear at the back door is a powerful memory. Also helping out with specific tasks or administrivia.
I so wish that more people I'm close to, and more organisations putatively existing to help, were more aware and/or acted in far greater accord with these principles.
Nona RoseWhat you can say to / do for someone who suffers from migraines:
Do you need anything?
Is there anything I can do?
And then listen to the answer!
The person with the migraine, especially if they’ve had them for a long time, knows their body better than anyone and if they need a quiet, darkened room then that’s what they need but, alternatively, they might prefer to be out in the sunshine and listening to some music. You dont get to judge or dictate an appropriate response to their pain.
For me, soft light and heavy music is my go to. I can still look at a screen in low brightness for short periods of time.
What not to say to someone who suffers from migraines:
4. Still? Again?
Every migraine is different and everyone with migraines is different. For me, a typical migraine lasts for 3-4 days but can last up to 9 days. About half of that time will be incredible pain, the other half will be less painful but the brain gets foggy and I’m lethargic.
I get at least one migraine a month. The most I’ve had is four in a month. That’s at least half the month with a migraine. I try not to take time off work every time I have a migraine because I would be off work a lot. I’m lucky to be in a position where it’s possible to choose when I go to work because I get sick leave. Not everyone has that luxury. Not everyone is able to work through theirs.
What not to say to someone who suffers from migraines:
3. You should …
No, I shouldn’t. Your unsolicited advice, while we’ll-meaning, is often completely useless. I have had migraines since I was a teenager, I’m pushing 4 decades of doctors, medications and alternative treatments. I’ve had brain scans, I’ve done diet modification, and I’ve done trigger studies (I have so many it’s actually amazing I function at all).
Don’t tell me I need less screen time, or to get outside, or to wrap my head in cabbage (and that’s not even the most ridiculous advice I’ve had). Not every treatment works for every person.
What not to say to someone who suffers from migraines:
2. Have you tried … ?
Yes, I probably have, or whatever the equivalent is in my country. Mostly, migraine meds put me to sleep. They do nothing for my pain, they just knock me out. I used to work through migraines because I didn’t feel able to take time off. Now, I take the time and just sleep for three days.
And if you give me a suggest, you better believe I’m going to research the hell out of it before I put it anywhere near my body, so all of those quack pseudoscience treatments get ruled out pretty quickly.
What not to say to someone who suffers from migraine:
1. Oh, I get headaches, too!
No, a headache is not even remotely close to a migraine! If you can take over the counter meds and they work, you do not know what a migraine is like.
When I get a migraine, I will not be functional at all. I won’t be able to see out of one eye properly, so my depth perception goes. I will feel like my brain is being squeezed. The pain is so bad I will want to stab myself in the head because that would be a welcome relief.