Mastodawn

Della Wren Mar 3, 2023

Normally when come upon some trigger, limitation, lie, or behavior within myself I just rationalize my way through it. Using my intuition and tarot, I can find the "aha moment" in there and then outwardly create that in some way.

Yes, I get it wrong all the time and my tarot cards yell at me all the time. It is just part of the experience. I don't mind. I'm used to it. I'm willing to look for the blind spots and correct those. I go on that journey willingly all the time and often these days I don't even share it anymore. It's just something that I do on the daily that happens in the background.

My clarity often comes through my writing and so chances are good there is some something that I'm working through in whatever I'm writing whether I talk about it directly or not.

I guess that got too easy for me because I've been asked to increase the difficulty level. Go me! ;)

What does that mean?

My focus this week has been on balance, specifically balancing the masculine and feminine within myself. Everybody has a combination of both regardless of what your gender identity may be. The masculine is usually the drive, the push, and the structure. The feminine is softer, much more intuitive, and more inclined to let life come to her.

I think it's pretty obvious that I've hung out in my masculine energy for a long time. It was how I survived the first 40 years of my life. I'm learning to undo that now and that looks a lot like balancing things so that the feminine has a little more say in how things are working around here.

You may or may not have noticed that I've made some outward changes to how I do things. It is allowing my feminine side to be a little more active, which has been fine. That was sort of step one in this process of balancing.

Step 2 now is in my book writing adventures and it's triggering my masculine energy in a big way.

Books to me are structured, organized, cohesive groups of thoughts. They are, at least in my head, 75% teaching and 25% me offering my personal experience with the concepts I'm trying to teach.

I'm going to show you where the wound is right now. It's going to pretty easy to pick out. Here we go. Books trigger me to allow my masculine energy to do the writing because they need structure and the feminine is too wishy washy for that. That's why I have blogs, my forum, and social media. It's for the feminine to meander all over the place. I call it the firehose of crazy because there is very little cohesion in there.

No, I don't often think very highly of my feminine writing because it's too all over the place for my liking. But she gets mad when I tame her and it stops me completely, so I've had to give into it even though I don't like it most of the time. I created spaces for her to write so that she would play nice. The intent was always to keep her out of my books because it's too much chaos for me. Nice wound, right?

I still want to write books and I'm being stopped because if I don't let her do the firehose of crazy and call it a book, I'm not going to get this thing out of me. My masculine is having fits and my feminine side ain't budging. We're having ourselves a showdown.

The level up I talked about earlier is that I just have to go on the adventure and see what I get out of it. I can't get what I need by rationalizing my way through it like I normally do.

I'll say this much. It's never a question of whether I'll do it. It's only a question of how long it takes me to get there.

I will do this. I will figure out how to maneuver around this and allow the feminine to get her way. But in the meantime, forgive me while I argue with myself.

This is going to be a very interesting.

I have to say there is a piece of me that just wants to grab the popcorn and watch the show because when these two decide to go at each other, it's always a good time.

I'll let you know who wins.

Love to all.

Della

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