Grandma Got Runover By a Reindeer
In a drunken, senile, unmedicated stupor, Grandma wanders out into the cold in the middle of the night and dies. The circumstances surrounding her death are seemingly straightforward, but Grandpa is suspiciously unbothered that his wife of many decades was found dead in a snowbank and strangely adamant that Santa Claus is both real, and responsible for her death.
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All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
My sister, Susie, is so spoiled. It’s always something new. She’s tall enough for the carousel, she goes to bed at 9, she gets the new bike. I try to get back at her, but she always sees the thistles and frogs on her chair just in the nick of time. And with all this toffee and peanut brittle around for the holidays, all I can do is watch my smug sister chow down while I wait for these two teeth to grow in. It’s so unfair!
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We Wish You a Merry Christmas
Verse one is the ruse, where we lull you away with Christmas niceties. Now, with your guard fully let down, we commence the figgy pudding heist — whereby we will insist upon trespassing on your property and wear you down with our singing of this highly repetitive song until you Bring. Us. The. Figgy. Pudding. Understand?!
Baby, It’s Cold Outside
Let it Snow, but Rated R
Category: Home Alone — Crimes committed under the cover of Christmas
Dude: It’s cold. You must stay.
Lady: I’ll be fine, I’ve got a coat.
D: My insatiable lust demands that you stay.
L: Literally all of my family members will be kicking your door in — if they find me unconscious, so help me…
D: Ok, let me go warm up the car and get you home safe… nah, just kidding. Kiss me.
L: Help.
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Let it Snow
Category: Hygge — Just Feelin’ Cozy
Wow, it’s really coming down out there. But what the heck, let’s just get snowed in together. We have popcorn and the power of love — no force of nature can destroy us. In fact, why don’t you give me one last kiss and take me defiantly out into that blizzard and if we’re not both hypothermic by the time we’re to my house, we’ll know this is meant to be.
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Jingle Bells
Category: Woo Snow! — Equally applicable on Jan 25th
Courtship for Dummies: First, find a horse. It must be fast, and it must be brown. Next, cut off its tail. Then for it to sound intimidatingly fast, attach some old bells where the tail used to be and hitch it to the sleigh. Toss your crush in the other seat and race recklessly fast against the fellas and their gals. Nevermind if you crash and toss her into a snowdrift — she’ll find it irresistible.
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Welcome to Christmas Songs Not Actually About Christmas:
A serial critical analysis of the musical traditions of Christmas and their disconnect from the actual traditions of Christmas.
Andy Griffin