Zuri (he/him) ❌️👑 | 🕐 CET#ADHD person: "Sorry for #infodumping"
#Tolkien *having just finished the last chapter of Return of the King*: "Hold my beer"
DoomsdaysCWWell, I'm realizing that my #WIP novel has some #InfoDumping, as I tend to overdescribe things. It might only appeal to a certain audience. I have three friends reading the first few chapters, and will see what they have to say (two of them are writers/editors, and the other is an avid reader).
RebeccaMe: Sorry I'm monologuing.
My husband: It's cool, man. Riff.
Sapphire:trans_blanket::celeste_hearts_lesbian:How to Spot Manipulation Tactics
Manipulative people often use common manipulation tactics to get what they want, such as:
Guilt-tripping
Guilt-tripping is when someone tries to make you feel responsible or guilty of your actions or decisions.
Jason Drake, lead clinician and owner of Katy Teen & Family Counseling explained that guilt trips often involve using something one person did for the other as “leverage” to get what they want.
Some examples of guilt-tripping might be:
“If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have gotten through college. You owe me.”
“I’m the one who is working all the time, while you are spending time with friends. I deserve this expense.”
“If you can’t come over, then I might as well not invite anyone else that night. There’s no point then.”
Lying
People with manipulative tendencies often lie in an attempt to control or coerce others. They may also lie to avoid blame or consequences for their actions.
For example, a teenager who’s been told they are not allowed to hang out with a particular group might lie about their whereabouts. They may also lie to the other parent about being given permission to go out with their friends.
“If one parent doesn’t check in with the other parent, the teen may be given permission to go with those friends,” Drake explained.
Pathological lying may be a sign of a mental health condition.
Flattery
It can be hard to tell the difference between a compliment and flattery.
A compliment is given to sincerely point out something positive with no expectation of gain. But flattery is often used disingenuously as a tool to gain emotional leverage.
Research from 2023Trusted Source suggests that compared to flattery, genuine feedback or praise can be beneficial to the mental well-being of the person receiving the compliment. For instance, researchers found increased activity in regions of the brain’s reward system after participants received a compliment.
With flattery, there’s often an expectation of getting something in return. For instance, someone who wants a raise or promotion might regularly praise their manager’s strengths and accomplishments.
Projection
Projection happens when one person claims an emotion they’re feeling — such as jealousy — is actually being experienced by someone else.
For example, a person with manipulative tendencies might cause tension and drama, but blame someone else for creating that energy.
Maggie Holland, a licensed counselor in the state of Washington, explained that projecting aids a person who manipulates in dodging responsibility for their actions and helps them avoid changing their behaviors. “But it can also erode your trust in your own reality,” she added.
If you think you might be projecting, Holland suggested pausing and asking yourself: “Is this my stuff or their stuff?” This can be helpful for disrupting projection.
“It’s also really important that we don’t project our own values onto a manipulator, because that just sets us up for a lot of disappointment and frustration,” Holland added.
‘Moving the goalposts’
Sometimes, no matter how much you show up for someone who manipulates, they will change their expectations at the last minute to keep you constantly running toward their “goalposts.”
Someone who moves the goalposts can set you up for frustration and exhaustion.
Holland explained that with manipulative people, “you’re never going to actually reach those goalposts, and your efforts and success won’t be acknowledged if you do.”
Believing in yourself, recognizing your own needs, and disengaging can be helpful in avoiding feelings of demoralization.
Holland suggested working to understand your personal values, goals, and standards to feel like you met your own expectations.
“Remind yourself that you’re just a human being, doing the best you can, and that is enough.”
Triangulation
Triangulation can take many forms, but it often happens when a third person is brought into your communication instead of keeping the issue between the two people it impacts. It often keeps manipulative people from having to take responsibility and may protect them from feeling like they’ve lost an argument Holland explained.
For example, a couple might involve a close friend in their disagreement to choose a side. Triangulation may also involve parents displacing anger or involving their children in a conflict they shouldn’t be involved in.
According to a large study from 2021Trusted Source, triangulation is likely to occur if the following factors exist within the family dynamic:
a parent who lives with depression
adolescents living with emotional dysregulation
a lack of support and connectedness within the family
Becoming aware of triangulation can help you spot it. Try to disengage from “triangles” whenever they come up unfairly.
“This means you’re going to have to set and stick to some firm boundaries, but remember that boundaries are not meant to control people, but to ensure that you’re still able to remain in a relationship with them in a healthy way,” said Holland. “Boundaries are not heartless, they’re actually really healthy.”
Love bombing
Love bombing is manipulation through excessive attention, often showering you inappropriately with gifts, compliments, affection, and time.
These things may be wonderful, which can be confusing. However, love bombing is when this feels enrapturing, takes all your attention, and is excessive.
“It might feel great at first, but it usually leaves you isolated and makes you lose sight of who you are,” Holland explained. “Once you’re ‘swept away,’ this attention might stop, and will leave you feeling like you’re seeking it out or chasing it down again.”
If you’ve already experienced love bombing and are on the other side, give yourself patience and work to forgive yourself. “You’re not blind. A manipulative person took advantage of your normal human nature to want to feel desired and cherished,” Holland added.
Some ways to avoid love bombing include:
regularly spending time with friends and loved ones
engaging in your own interests outside of this person
checking in with yourself often to ensure that you’re aligned with your values and standards
The 4 stages of manipulation
Taylor Draughn, a licensed professional counselor, and marriage and family therapist, explained that manipulation “can be a very effective way to get what you want, but it can also be very dangerous.”
She added, “If someone can manipulate you, they can control your actions and your thoughts. It is important to be aware of the signs of manipulation so that you can protect yourself from this type of abuse.”
While manipulative tendencies are often subtle and sometimes undetectable, there are four stages of manipulation.
Flattery: The first stage is when the person with manipulative behaviors puts on a facade of being kind, caring, and helpful. “They may act like they want to help you with anything you need, but in reality, they’re just trying to get what they want from you,” Draughn explained.
Isolation: This is when the person who manipulates may start to isolate you from your friends and family. They might try to convince you that your loved ones don’t understand you or want to control you. The goal is usually to separate you from people who might spot the manipulation, Draughn explained.
Devaluing and gaslighting: During the third stage, someone who manipulates may try to make you feel guilty or confused. “They might start telling you that you’re ungrateful, or that you’re making them unhappy,” said Draughn. The purpose of this stage is to make you doubt yourself, your instincts, and your decisions. “It can be very difficult to break free from the manipulator’s control at this stage,” Draughn added.
Fear or violence: The fourth and final stage is when the person who manipulates may begin to threaten you. According to Draughn, they may threaten to leave you, hurt you, or hurt themselves as a way of keeping you under their control with fear.
#infodumping #psychology
Manipulative people often use common manipulation tactics to get what they want, such as:
Guilt-tripping
Guilt-tripping is when someone tries to make you feel responsible or guilty of your actions or decisions.
Jason Drake, lead clinician and owner of Katy Teen & Family Counseling explained that guilt trips often involve using something one person did for the other as “leverage” to get what they want.
Some examples of guilt-tripping might be:
“If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have gotten through college. You owe me.”
“I’m the one who is working all the time, while you are spending time with friends. I deserve this expense.”
“If you can’t come over, then I might as well not invite anyone else that night. There’s no point then.”
Lying
People with manipulative tendencies often lie in an attempt to control or coerce others. They may also lie to avoid blame or consequences for their actions.
For example, a teenager who’s been told they are not allowed to hang out with a particular group might lie about their whereabouts. They may also lie to the other parent about being given permission to go out with their friends.
“If one parent doesn’t check in with the other parent, the teen may be given permission to go with those friends,” Drake explained.
Pathological lying may be a sign of a mental health condition.
Flattery
It can be hard to tell the difference between a compliment and flattery.
A compliment is given to sincerely point out something positive with no expectation of gain. But flattery is often used disingenuously as a tool to gain emotional leverage.
Research from 2023Trusted Source suggests that compared to flattery, genuine feedback or praise can be beneficial to the mental well-being of the person receiving the compliment. For instance, researchers found increased activity in regions of the brain’s reward system after participants received a compliment.
With flattery, there’s often an expectation of getting something in return. For instance, someone who wants a raise or promotion might regularly praise their manager’s strengths and accomplishments.
Projection
Projection happens when one person claims an emotion they’re feeling — such as jealousy — is actually being experienced by someone else.
For example, a person with manipulative tendencies might cause tension and drama, but blame someone else for creating that energy.
Maggie Holland, a licensed counselor in the state of Washington, explained that projecting aids a person who manipulates in dodging responsibility for their actions and helps them avoid changing their behaviors. “But it can also erode your trust in your own reality,” she added.
If you think you might be projecting, Holland suggested pausing and asking yourself: “Is this my stuff or their stuff?” This can be helpful for disrupting projection.
“It’s also really important that we don’t project our own values onto a manipulator, because that just sets us up for a lot of disappointment and frustration,” Holland added.
‘Moving the goalposts’
Sometimes, no matter how much you show up for someone who manipulates, they will change their expectations at the last minute to keep you constantly running toward their “goalposts.”
Someone who moves the goalposts can set you up for frustration and exhaustion.
Holland explained that with manipulative people, “you’re never going to actually reach those goalposts, and your efforts and success won’t be acknowledged if you do.”
Believing in yourself, recognizing your own needs, and disengaging can be helpful in avoiding feelings of demoralization.
Holland suggested working to understand your personal values, goals, and standards to feel like you met your own expectations.
“Remind yourself that you’re just a human being, doing the best you can, and that is enough.”
Triangulation
Triangulation can take many forms, but it often happens when a third person is brought into your communication instead of keeping the issue between the two people it impacts. It often keeps manipulative people from having to take responsibility and may protect them from feeling like they’ve lost an argument Holland explained.
For example, a couple might involve a close friend in their disagreement to choose a side. Triangulation may also involve parents displacing anger or involving their children in a conflict they shouldn’t be involved in.
According to a large study from 2021Trusted Source, triangulation is likely to occur if the following factors exist within the family dynamic:
a parent who lives with depression
adolescents living with emotional dysregulation
a lack of support and connectedness within the family
Becoming aware of triangulation can help you spot it. Try to disengage from “triangles” whenever they come up unfairly.
“This means you’re going to have to set and stick to some firm boundaries, but remember that boundaries are not meant to control people, but to ensure that you’re still able to remain in a relationship with them in a healthy way,” said Holland. “Boundaries are not heartless, they’re actually really healthy.”
Love bombing
Love bombing is manipulation through excessive attention, often showering you inappropriately with gifts, compliments, affection, and time.
These things may be wonderful, which can be confusing. However, love bombing is when this feels enrapturing, takes all your attention, and is excessive.
“It might feel great at first, but it usually leaves you isolated and makes you lose sight of who you are,” Holland explained. “Once you’re ‘swept away,’ this attention might stop, and will leave you feeling like you’re seeking it out or chasing it down again.”
If you’ve already experienced love bombing and are on the other side, give yourself patience and work to forgive yourself. “You’re not blind. A manipulative person took advantage of your normal human nature to want to feel desired and cherished,” Holland added.
Some ways to avoid love bombing include:
regularly spending time with friends and loved ones
engaging in your own interests outside of this person
checking in with yourself often to ensure that you’re aligned with your values and standards
The 4 stages of manipulation
Taylor Draughn, a licensed professional counselor, and marriage and family therapist, explained that manipulation “can be a very effective way to get what you want, but it can also be very dangerous.”
She added, “If someone can manipulate you, they can control your actions and your thoughts. It is important to be aware of the signs of manipulation so that you can protect yourself from this type of abuse.”
While manipulative tendencies are often subtle and sometimes undetectable, there are four stages of manipulation.
Flattery: The first stage is when the person with manipulative behaviors puts on a facade of being kind, caring, and helpful. “They may act like they want to help you with anything you need, but in reality, they’re just trying to get what they want from you,” Draughn explained.
Isolation: This is when the person who manipulates may start to isolate you from your friends and family. They might try to convince you that your loved ones don’t understand you or want to control you. The goal is usually to separate you from people who might spot the manipulation, Draughn explained.
Devaluing and gaslighting: During the third stage, someone who manipulates may try to make you feel guilty or confused. “They might start telling you that you’re ungrateful, or that you’re making them unhappy,” said Draughn. The purpose of this stage is to make you doubt yourself, your instincts, and your decisions. “It can be very difficult to break free from the manipulator’s control at this stage,” Draughn added.
Fear or violence: The fourth and final stage is when the person who manipulates may begin to threaten you. According to Draughn, they may threaten to leave you, hurt you, or hurt themselves as a way of keeping you under their control with fear.
#infodumping #psychology
How to cool down quickly: 4 surprising, science-backed ways to cope with a heatwave
1. Cool your hands first, not your face
If you’re feeling the heat and somebody offers you a fan, it’s likely that you’ll try and cool your face first. However, according to Tipton, this is far from the quickest way of lowering your body temperature.
“Certainly, all that breeze on your face will simulate cold receptors there, which will give you a very powerful sensation of comfort. But actually, it’s not going to extract the heat from your body,” he says.
Instead, a better cooling strategy is to immerse your hands in cold water for 15 to 20 minutes. “Your hands have a high surface area to mass area – they have lots of blood flowing in them when you’re hot. If your core temperature is hot, your body will send blood to the extremities in order to lose heat,” explains Tipton.
“Immersing your hands in cold water won’t feel as nice, but it’ll cool you much faster than even an ice bath! It’s so important to make a distinction between things that make you feel cooler and things that actually make you cooler.”
2. Avoid cold showers
Sure, jumping into a chilly shower may seem tempting on a scorching summer’s day. However, abruptly immersing your entire body in chilly water is, as strange as it sounds, a very slow way of cooling your body during a heatwave.
“Putting one area of your body in cold water is fine, but cover too much surface in it, and your body will actually constrict the amount of blood that reaches your skin,” says Tipton. “The secret to cooling down is to deliver blood to your skin’s surface and then gently take away the heat.”
In short: skip the ice bath and opt for a tepid shower instead. The ideal temperature will depend on your body and the heat outside, but Tipton suggests that water that feels relatively warm is the best option.
“You want water that will achieve and maintain maximum skin flow,” he says. “You need to maximise the temperature difference between your body and the water without shutting down blood flow to the skin.”
3. Opt for hot drinks
Yes, the old wives' tale is true: sipping a warm drink will cool you down faster than knocking back icy water.
“It’s not about trying to cool your body directly, but activating the systems – such as sweating, moving blood to your skin – that will,” Tipton says. “Eating a hot curry will chill your body in the same way.”
This isn’t to say that you should only drink hot fluids – staying hydrated with water of any temperature helps to cool the body through perspiration and transferring heat from active tissues to the skin. Just know that gulping down that oh-so-refreshing fridge water is unlikely to douse your internal temp quickly.
“Think about it: around 60 per cent of the human body is water – that's around 40 litres. Adding one glass of cold fluids isn’t going to make much difference. It’s a drop in the ocean,” explains Tipton.
In other words, it’s time to rummage out that forgotten box of mint tea tucked away at the back of your cupboard.
4. Enhance your sweat with a breeze
We get it: ‘fan yourself when hot’ hardly seems like game-changing advice. However, it’s important you fan as wide an area of your body as possible (without getting any weird looks at the beach, of course).
Why? Well, a fan doesn’t cool your body just by displacing the warm air in contact with your skin – it helps sweat evaporate too. By only fanning your face, you are limited to enhancing evaporation in a very small portion of your body.
During an extreme heatwave, this can be a big problem. “When the temperature reaches around 35°C, the only real way to cool the body is through sweating,” says Tipton.
“This is because the evaporation of sweat isn’t actually reliant on temperature – it’s all about the water vapour pressure difference between the air and the skin. A breeze helps here.”
When possible, consider using a non-electric hand fan to generate a refreshing breeze or promote natural airflow by opening multiple windows. “Relying solely on air conditioning won't do much to mitigate climate change – it’s actually a huge part of the problem!” says Tipton.
#infodumping
The name of Bosnia and Herzegovina originates from two distinct historical regions, each with its own legacy. Bosnia takes its name from the Bosna River, which winds through the heart of the country, giving life and identity to the area. Herzegovina means “Duke’s Land,” a direct nod to the medieval Duke Stjepan Vukčić Kosača who ruled that region. This name reflects the noble heritage and historical governance distinct from Bosnia. The combined name, Bosnia and Herzegovina, acknowledges these two separate but connected territories, symbolizing a diverse heritage rooted in different histories and political influences. This duality is still felt today in the country’s cultural and political landscape, embodying unity amid diversity.
#infodumping #bosniaandherzegovina
https://smart.dhgate.com/why-is-it-called-bosnia-and-herzegovina-name-origins/
#infodumping #bosniaandherzegovina
https://smart.dhgate.com/why-is-it-called-bosnia-and-herzegovina-name-origins/
Why Is It Called Bosnia and Herzegovina? Name Origins - Smart.DHgate – Trusted Buying Guides for Global Shoppers
Discovering why Bosnia and Herzegovina bears a dual name invites you into a story rich with history and cultural depth. This country's title reflects its
A 5-Step Recipe For Opening People’s Minds
Stop debating and start dialoguing.
"Those People"
We are at a crossroads. We face many important problems in our world, in our country, and in our personal lives. And if we don’t come up with solutions soon, there will be dire consequences.
We don’t know entirely how to solve these problems, but there’s one thing we do know: it would be much easier to solve these problems if it weren't for “those people.”
Who are “those people?”
If you’re a Republican it’s the Democrats. If you’re a person of faith, it’s the atheists. If you’re blue collar, it’s the investing class. If you’re the neat roommate, it’s the messy roommate. And vice versa for all of those.
We have our opinions about how life should go, and the opinions of “those people” stand in our way. The most frustrating obstacle to a better world is that there’s simply no talking to “those people”. They don’t listen. They don’t understand. They’re hard-headed and illogical.
At least I used to think so.
Like you, when I was born, I had no opinions at all. As I grew up I acquired opinions (mostly by adopting the views of those around me). Then I learned that there were people out there who had different opinions. At some point I started engaging with “those people” and sometimes found it difficult to reason with them. I came to the conclusion that there’s just no reasoning with some people.
I’m no longer so pessimistic (for the most part). And that’s because I've learned some neat techniques for opening people’s minds. But be warned: if you use these techniques, it might just open your own mind as well.
Five Skills For Opening Minds
1. Establish your common humanity.
When I’m discussing a controversial issue with someone, and start to see that we are coming at the issue from different angles, I look for an opportunity to say something like this:
"Ah, we see things differently. This is good. You know, when we were young children, we didn't believe anything one way or another about these issues. We were each brought up by adults who told us what was good and what was bad in the world. And, as we grew up, we each held on to some of what they taught us, and changed our minds about other things . . .”
By default we tend to see a person who has different views as an opponent. And we fall into a “debate” frame with them.
The above pattern sets up what communication experts call a “dialogue frame”. It highlights the similarities we have with our discussion partner. It creates a larger context in which two souls, each of which is simply trying to make as much sense of the world as it can, come together and compare notes on an important issue.
And that leads to the second skill.
2. Start with stories, not reasons.
I might continue the above pattern this way:
. . . So I’m curious, how did you come to have your current views on this subject? I’m not asking for your reasons (we’ll get to those). I’m interested in your story.”
As the other person talks, I try to imagine what it might have been like to be in their shoes as they were growing up figuring things out. I try to understand why it makes sense for them to see things the way they do.
Once I've done this, I've earned the right to tell my story. And I tell it. And I try to tell it very factually. I try not to overstate my evidence. I just try to tell a story that explains how my views got to their present form.
And guess what. I often learn that my own views aren't as well-grounded as I thought they were. Sometimes I am the one who winds up opening his mind to new possibilities. That’s a good thing. I like having more options from which to choose.
Now, if we hope for them to change their mind, sometimes more is needed. And that’s where the next skill comes in.
3. Allow your discussion partner to feel safe changing his or her mind.
If you want the other person to open their mind, you have to make them feel safe doing so. And the best way to do that, in my experience, is to secure permission for both of you to take things back.
To that end, I’ll say something like this:
“Have you ever been in a discussion, defending a point, and suddenly realized you didn't have much confidence in your own argument? But you kept arguing anyway, because you didn't want to lose the debate? I want to avoid that if I can. If we’re going to talk about this issue further, I want to feel free to take things back if they don’t hold up. And, of course, I’ll give you permission to do that, too. Does that sound good?"
I've never had anyone refuse this request.
And notice that I don’t suggest at first that THEY need permission to take things back. I begin by asking permission for myself.
With all that said, the fourth skill is where much of the work actually gets done.
4. Validate their experience, question their interpretation.
If any mind-changing is to happen we have to challenge their opinions at some point. But nothing good comes from questioning their experience. They had their experience, and it led them to where they are today. In fact, we need to understand and validate their experience so we can understand where they’re coming from, and so that they feel understood.
That said, we can (and should) offer up alternative interpretations of their experience. Suppose, for instance, we are arguing for a universal basic income in our country, and the other person opposes it. They tell us,
“That sounds like welfare. I had a neighbor who was on welfare, and had a side business where he got paid under the table. Welfare is a waste of money because people cheat the system.”
There’s no need to challenge the experience. It likely happened. There’s no need to even challenge their emotional reaction to the experience. We can probably identify with it to some degree. We might say: “yeah, it’s frustrating when people cheat the system.”
But we can question their interpretation quite gently, with something like this:
“One possibility is that, with a basic income, lots of people will just sit around playing video games or find other ways to be unproductive. Another possibility is that only a few people will do so. How can we tell which one is actually the case?”
In general the pattern is this: “One possibility is X [their interpretation], another is Y [your interpretation], how could we tell which one, if either, is true?”
This pattern neatly brings things back to a dialogue frame where the two participants are trying to work out a problem together.
A lot of the nitty-gritty work gets done at this level. For any complex issue there are dozens of interpretive issues to work out. And to some degree you have to pick your battles and save some work for further discussions.
And those further discussions are more likely to take place if you use the fifth skill:
5. Keep focused on your goal.
As I engage with others about controversial subjects, I try to keep in this lovely question in mind:
“What are we making together?”
This question comes from W. Barnett Pearce, and I've trained myself to trigger it in my mind any time I feel any tension in the discussion. It reminds me that I want to maintain the dialogue frame so something good can come out of the discussion.
What do I want from the conversation? I want to create a bridge of understanding between us. I want us both to walk away with a better understanding of the larger issue at stake. I want us to create the basis for further dialogue. I want to change their mind perhaps just a little bit. And I’m willing to learn new things as well.
When opponents understand each other they can work together. They can find win-win deals where both sides get most of what they want instead of one side getting everything.... (word limit reached, read rest of the article from the website)
#infodumping #psychology
Stop debating and start dialoguing.
"Those People"
We are at a crossroads. We face many important problems in our world, in our country, and in our personal lives. And if we don’t come up with solutions soon, there will be dire consequences.
We don’t know entirely how to solve these problems, but there’s one thing we do know: it would be much easier to solve these problems if it weren't for “those people.”
Who are “those people?”
If you’re a Republican it’s the Democrats. If you’re a person of faith, it’s the atheists. If you’re blue collar, it’s the investing class. If you’re the neat roommate, it’s the messy roommate. And vice versa for all of those.
We have our opinions about how life should go, and the opinions of “those people” stand in our way. The most frustrating obstacle to a better world is that there’s simply no talking to “those people”. They don’t listen. They don’t understand. They’re hard-headed and illogical.
At least I used to think so.
Like you, when I was born, I had no opinions at all. As I grew up I acquired opinions (mostly by adopting the views of those around me). Then I learned that there were people out there who had different opinions. At some point I started engaging with “those people” and sometimes found it difficult to reason with them. I came to the conclusion that there’s just no reasoning with some people.
I’m no longer so pessimistic (for the most part). And that’s because I've learned some neat techniques for opening people’s minds. But be warned: if you use these techniques, it might just open your own mind as well.
Five Skills For Opening Minds
1. Establish your common humanity.
When I’m discussing a controversial issue with someone, and start to see that we are coming at the issue from different angles, I look for an opportunity to say something like this:
"Ah, we see things differently. This is good. You know, when we were young children, we didn't believe anything one way or another about these issues. We were each brought up by adults who told us what was good and what was bad in the world. And, as we grew up, we each held on to some of what they taught us, and changed our minds about other things . . .”
By default we tend to see a person who has different views as an opponent. And we fall into a “debate” frame with them.
The above pattern sets up what communication experts call a “dialogue frame”. It highlights the similarities we have with our discussion partner. It creates a larger context in which two souls, each of which is simply trying to make as much sense of the world as it can, come together and compare notes on an important issue.
And that leads to the second skill.
2. Start with stories, not reasons.
I might continue the above pattern this way:
. . . So I’m curious, how did you come to have your current views on this subject? I’m not asking for your reasons (we’ll get to those). I’m interested in your story.”
As the other person talks, I try to imagine what it might have been like to be in their shoes as they were growing up figuring things out. I try to understand why it makes sense for them to see things the way they do.
Once I've done this, I've earned the right to tell my story. And I tell it. And I try to tell it very factually. I try not to overstate my evidence. I just try to tell a story that explains how my views got to their present form.
And guess what. I often learn that my own views aren't as well-grounded as I thought they were. Sometimes I am the one who winds up opening his mind to new possibilities. That’s a good thing. I like having more options from which to choose.
Now, if we hope for them to change their mind, sometimes more is needed. And that’s where the next skill comes in.
3. Allow your discussion partner to feel safe changing his or her mind.
If you want the other person to open their mind, you have to make them feel safe doing so. And the best way to do that, in my experience, is to secure permission for both of you to take things back.
To that end, I’ll say something like this:
“Have you ever been in a discussion, defending a point, and suddenly realized you didn't have much confidence in your own argument? But you kept arguing anyway, because you didn't want to lose the debate? I want to avoid that if I can. If we’re going to talk about this issue further, I want to feel free to take things back if they don’t hold up. And, of course, I’ll give you permission to do that, too. Does that sound good?"
I've never had anyone refuse this request.
And notice that I don’t suggest at first that THEY need permission to take things back. I begin by asking permission for myself.
With all that said, the fourth skill is where much of the work actually gets done.
4. Validate their experience, question their interpretation.
If any mind-changing is to happen we have to challenge their opinions at some point. But nothing good comes from questioning their experience. They had their experience, and it led them to where they are today. In fact, we need to understand and validate their experience so we can understand where they’re coming from, and so that they feel understood.
That said, we can (and should) offer up alternative interpretations of their experience. Suppose, for instance, we are arguing for a universal basic income in our country, and the other person opposes it. They tell us,
“That sounds like welfare. I had a neighbor who was on welfare, and had a side business where he got paid under the table. Welfare is a waste of money because people cheat the system.”
There’s no need to challenge the experience. It likely happened. There’s no need to even challenge their emotional reaction to the experience. We can probably identify with it to some degree. We might say: “yeah, it’s frustrating when people cheat the system.”
But we can question their interpretation quite gently, with something like this:
“One possibility is that, with a basic income, lots of people will just sit around playing video games or find other ways to be unproductive. Another possibility is that only a few people will do so. How can we tell which one is actually the case?”
In general the pattern is this: “One possibility is X [their interpretation], another is Y [your interpretation], how could we tell which one, if either, is true?”
This pattern neatly brings things back to a dialogue frame where the two participants are trying to work out a problem together.
A lot of the nitty-gritty work gets done at this level. For any complex issue there are dozens of interpretive issues to work out. And to some degree you have to pick your battles and save some work for further discussions.
And those further discussions are more likely to take place if you use the fifth skill:
5. Keep focused on your goal.
As I engage with others about controversial subjects, I try to keep in this lovely question in mind:
“What are we making together?”
This question comes from W. Barnett Pearce, and I've trained myself to trigger it in my mind any time I feel any tension in the discussion. It reminds me that I want to maintain the dialogue frame so something good can come out of the discussion.
What do I want from the conversation? I want to create a bridge of understanding between us. I want us both to walk away with a better understanding of the larger issue at stake. I want us to create the basis for further dialogue. I want to change their mind perhaps just a little bit. And I’m willing to learn new things as well.
When opponents understand each other they can work together. They can find win-win deals where both sides get most of what they want instead of one side getting everything.... (word limit reached, read rest of the article from the website)
#infodumping #psychology
Giant prehistoric Titanoboa snake 'could return'!
The prehistoric snake Titanoboa certainly lived up to its 'titan' name when it roamed the Earth 58 million years ago.
It was 14 metres long, weighed more than a tonne and could swallow a crocodile in one go!
The discovery of the Titanoboa fossil at a coal mine in Colombia, South America, has helped reveal quite a bit about the past...
Warmer climate
Titanoboa's size is a sign that the Earth was much warmer than it is now - because snakes rely on heat from outside their bodies to survive.
"We think the Titanoboa became this large because it was much warmer on the equator after the dinosaurs died 60 million years ago," said evolution expert Dr Jonathan Bloch.
This evidence is somewhat reassuring given worries over global warming, as it shows animals and plants can cope in high temperatures. But it doesn't account for the rate of climate change.
Bigger reptiles
Experts also think that reptiles were generally much bigger than they are now.
They found turtles the size of a kitchen table and the biggest crocodile fossils ever recorded, in the same place where they discovered the Titanoboa!
"After the extinction of the dinosaurs, this animal, the Titanoboa, was the largest predator on the surface of the planet for at least 10 million years," said Dr Bloch.
A return?
As the Earth's temperatures rise, there's a possibility the Titanoboa - or something like it - could make a comeback.
But scientist Dr Carlos Jaramillo points out that it wouldn't happen quickly: "It takes geological time to develop a new species. It could take a million years - but perhaps they will!"
#infodumping #prehistoricanimals
The prehistoric snake Titanoboa certainly lived up to its 'titan' name when it roamed the Earth 58 million years ago.
It was 14 metres long, weighed more than a tonne and could swallow a crocodile in one go!
The discovery of the Titanoboa fossil at a coal mine in Colombia, South America, has helped reveal quite a bit about the past...
Warmer climate
Titanoboa's size is a sign that the Earth was much warmer than it is now - because snakes rely on heat from outside their bodies to survive.
"We think the Titanoboa became this large because it was much warmer on the equator after the dinosaurs died 60 million years ago," said evolution expert Dr Jonathan Bloch.
This evidence is somewhat reassuring given worries over global warming, as it shows animals and plants can cope in high temperatures. But it doesn't account for the rate of climate change.
Bigger reptiles
Experts also think that reptiles were generally much bigger than they are now.
They found turtles the size of a kitchen table and the biggest crocodile fossils ever recorded, in the same place where they discovered the Titanoboa!
"After the extinction of the dinosaurs, this animal, the Titanoboa, was the largest predator on the surface of the planet for at least 10 million years," said Dr Bloch.
A return?
As the Earth's temperatures rise, there's a possibility the Titanoboa - or something like it - could make a comeback.
But scientist Dr Carlos Jaramillo points out that it wouldn't happen quickly: "It takes geological time to develop a new species. It could take a million years - but perhaps they will!"
#infodumping #prehistoricanimals
Meet The Fishing Cat: The World's Most Aquatic Feline Has Evolved To Master The Wetlands
Along with vacuum cleaners and nail clippers, water is a notorious enemy of the domestic cat – but for one medium-sized feline, rivers, wetlands, and mangroves are home turf. The fishing cat has made aquatic environments its niche, earning its name from its remarkable ability to swim long distances and chase prey underwater.
A bit larger than a domestic cat, the fishing cat has evolved numerous features that help it take to the water, including a significantly chunkier build, shorter legs, a stubbier tail, and semi-webbed forepaws. Its double-layered coat helps it thrive in the water, featuring a dense undercoat that keeps it warm and dry, while a layer of long guard hairs gives the cat its coloration and distinctive spotted pattern.
Its vocalizations are just as curious as its habits, described as chuckles, gargles, barks, and even duck-like quacks. Perhaps these felines have been taking notes from their waterfowl neighbors.
Where Do Fishing Cats Live?
The fishing cat (Prionailurus viverrinus) is a species of semi-aquatic wild cat native to South and Southeast Asia, with known strongholds in Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, West Bengal in India, and the Terai-Duar belt of the Himalayan foothills in India and Nepal.
What Do Fishing Cats Eat?
Approximately three-quarters of their diet is comprised of fish, although they’re also known to dine on shellfish, birds, amphibians, small reptiles, rodents, and, in rare cases, calves.
A few other felines, such as tigers, lions, and panthers, are known to take the occasional dip, but fishing cats are true masters of the semi-aquatic wetland terrains in South and Southeast Asia. They’re renowned as highly adept swimmers, readily traveling long distances through water and even diving to chase prey beneath the surface.
However, watery landscapes are not their only domain. A 2024 study found that the species is also skilled at scaling trees, climbing up 8-meter-tall (26-foot) trees to raid the nests of waterbirds and eat their chicks. It’s believed they switch to this method of hunting during the wet seasons when intense monsoons make fishing difficult, dangerous, or impossible.
Are Fishing Cats Under Threat?
Because of their close ties to water, fishing cats are threatened by the loss of wetlands, swamps, and mangrove habitats. The IUCN Red List categorizes the species as “vulnerable” to extinction and notes their global population is declining.
They also come into direct conflict with people. Known as voracious predators that can skillfully hunt both fish and birds alike, these wild felines are often driven out or killed by communities that rely on the wetland and its fauna.
“Monitoring of media reports on human–fishing cat conflicts suggests that a fresh conflict is happening in the country every two weeks. Conservation efforts targeting fishing cats should thus be prioritized and all options for effective mitigation scientifically assessed,” Muntasir Akash, Assistant Professor at the University of Dhaka in Bangladesh and author of the 2024 study, said in a statement.
“A stable population of wetland bird colonies might be a win-win for the wetland, fishing cats, and the local people who depend on the wetlands.”
#infodumping #cats
Along with vacuum cleaners and nail clippers, water is a notorious enemy of the domestic cat – but for one medium-sized feline, rivers, wetlands, and mangroves are home turf. The fishing cat has made aquatic environments its niche, earning its name from its remarkable ability to swim long distances and chase prey underwater.
A bit larger than a domestic cat, the fishing cat has evolved numerous features that help it take to the water, including a significantly chunkier build, shorter legs, a stubbier tail, and semi-webbed forepaws. Its double-layered coat helps it thrive in the water, featuring a dense undercoat that keeps it warm and dry, while a layer of long guard hairs gives the cat its coloration and distinctive spotted pattern.
Its vocalizations are just as curious as its habits, described as chuckles, gargles, barks, and even duck-like quacks. Perhaps these felines have been taking notes from their waterfowl neighbors.
Where Do Fishing Cats Live?
The fishing cat (Prionailurus viverrinus) is a species of semi-aquatic wild cat native to South and Southeast Asia, with known strongholds in Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, West Bengal in India, and the Terai-Duar belt of the Himalayan foothills in India and Nepal.
What Do Fishing Cats Eat?
Approximately three-quarters of their diet is comprised of fish, although they’re also known to dine on shellfish, birds, amphibians, small reptiles, rodents, and, in rare cases, calves.
A few other felines, such as tigers, lions, and panthers, are known to take the occasional dip, but fishing cats are true masters of the semi-aquatic wetland terrains in South and Southeast Asia. They’re renowned as highly adept swimmers, readily traveling long distances through water and even diving to chase prey beneath the surface.
However, watery landscapes are not their only domain. A 2024 study found that the species is also skilled at scaling trees, climbing up 8-meter-tall (26-foot) trees to raid the nests of waterbirds and eat their chicks. It’s believed they switch to this method of hunting during the wet seasons when intense monsoons make fishing difficult, dangerous, or impossible.
Are Fishing Cats Under Threat?
Because of their close ties to water, fishing cats are threatened by the loss of wetlands, swamps, and mangrove habitats. The IUCN Red List categorizes the species as “vulnerable” to extinction and notes their global population is declining.
They also come into direct conflict with people. Known as voracious predators that can skillfully hunt both fish and birds alike, these wild felines are often driven out or killed by communities that rely on the wetland and its fauna.
“Monitoring of media reports on human–fishing cat conflicts suggests that a fresh conflict is happening in the country every two weeks. Conservation efforts targeting fishing cats should thus be prioritized and all options for effective mitigation scientifically assessed,” Muntasir Akash, Assistant Professor at the University of Dhaka in Bangladesh and author of the 2024 study, said in a statement.
“A stable population of wetland bird colonies might be a win-win for the wetland, fishing cats, and the local people who depend on the wetlands.”
#infodumping #cats
Compassion Is Better than Empathy
Neuroscience explains why.
Empathic people feel the pain of others acutely. Is it possible to be too empathic? Could feeling too deeply for someone else’s pain or sorrow actually hurt you?
Indeed, too much empathy can be debilitating. When we become too distressed about the suffering of others, we don’t have the cognitive and emotional resources available to do much to help them. Having compassion, a cognitive understanding of how they’re feeling, is better for our own well-being and the well-being of those in need.
The idea that there can actually be too much empathy can be traced back to early Buddhist teachings. Instead of focusing on empathy to the point of draining ourselves emotionally, Buddhism teaches the practice of compassion, called karuna. This is the idea of sharing in suffering, having concern for another, but essentially “feeling for and not feeling with the other.”
Neuroscientists Tania Singer and Olga Klimecki conducted studies comparing empathy and compassion. Two separate experiment groups were trained to practice either empathy or compassion. Their research revealed fascinating differences in the brain’s reaction to the two types of training.
First, the empathy training activated motion in the insula (linked to emotion and self-awareness) and motion in the anterior cingulate cortex (linked to emotion and consciousness), as well as pain registering. The compassion group, however, stimulated activity in the medial orbitofrontal cortex (connected to learning and reward in decision-making) as well as activity in the ventral striatum (also connected to the reward system).
Second, the two types of training led to very different emotions and attitudes toward action. The empathy-trained group actually found empathy uncomfortable and troublesome. The compassion group, on the other hand, created positivity in the minds of the group members. The compassion group ended up feeling kinder and more eager to help others than those in the empathy group.
Tips to Avoid Empathic Distress
Breathe.
When we see something distressing, it activates the fight-flight response and our breathing becomes fast and shallow, which increases our anxiety and gives our emotions momentum. Research shows that slow, steady deep breathing activates the vagus nerve which comes from the brain and controls the parasympathetic nervous system, which controls the relaxation response. A few deep breaths will help you feel calmer.
Feel your body.
When you’re witnessing strong emotions in others, intent to stay with yourself rather than getting caught up in their experience. Feel your feet on the ground and wiggle your toes. Bend your knees slightly if you are standing, and feel your butt in the chair supporting you if you’re sitting. Be aware of body sensations and imagine yourself holding the sensations and emotions as they move through your body. And, of course, keep the option open to physically remove yourself situations that become too distressing.
Tips to Cultivate Compassion
Limit exposure to negativity.
We have a perceptual bias to pay more attention to negative, potentially threatening information. It’s good to be aware of possible threats and problems. But without some perspective-taking, it can lead us to believe that the negative outweighs the positive. Be discerning about the amount of time and attention you give to distressing information on a regular basis.
Practice Loving-Kindness Meditation.
By deliberately imagining yourself, your loved ones, people you feel neutral about, and even people you dislike, experiencing happiness and freedom – you make the world a kinder place. Research in loving-kindness meditation shows it builds emotional resilience and meaningful social connections which can help you respond to challenges with compassion.
#infodumping #psychology
Neuroscience explains why.
Empathic people feel the pain of others acutely. Is it possible to be too empathic? Could feeling too deeply for someone else’s pain or sorrow actually hurt you?
Indeed, too much empathy can be debilitating. When we become too distressed about the suffering of others, we don’t have the cognitive and emotional resources available to do much to help them. Having compassion, a cognitive understanding of how they’re feeling, is better for our own well-being and the well-being of those in need.
The idea that there can actually be too much empathy can be traced back to early Buddhist teachings. Instead of focusing on empathy to the point of draining ourselves emotionally, Buddhism teaches the practice of compassion, called karuna. This is the idea of sharing in suffering, having concern for another, but essentially “feeling for and not feeling with the other.”
Neuroscientists Tania Singer and Olga Klimecki conducted studies comparing empathy and compassion. Two separate experiment groups were trained to practice either empathy or compassion. Their research revealed fascinating differences in the brain’s reaction to the two types of training.
First, the empathy training activated motion in the insula (linked to emotion and self-awareness) and motion in the anterior cingulate cortex (linked to emotion and consciousness), as well as pain registering. The compassion group, however, stimulated activity in the medial orbitofrontal cortex (connected to learning and reward in decision-making) as well as activity in the ventral striatum (also connected to the reward system).
Second, the two types of training led to very different emotions and attitudes toward action. The empathy-trained group actually found empathy uncomfortable and troublesome. The compassion group, on the other hand, created positivity in the minds of the group members. The compassion group ended up feeling kinder and more eager to help others than those in the empathy group.
Tips to Avoid Empathic Distress
Breathe.
When we see something distressing, it activates the fight-flight response and our breathing becomes fast and shallow, which increases our anxiety and gives our emotions momentum. Research shows that slow, steady deep breathing activates the vagus nerve which comes from the brain and controls the parasympathetic nervous system, which controls the relaxation response. A few deep breaths will help you feel calmer.
Feel your body.
When you’re witnessing strong emotions in others, intent to stay with yourself rather than getting caught up in their experience. Feel your feet on the ground and wiggle your toes. Bend your knees slightly if you are standing, and feel your butt in the chair supporting you if you’re sitting. Be aware of body sensations and imagine yourself holding the sensations and emotions as they move through your body. And, of course, keep the option open to physically remove yourself situations that become too distressing.
Tips to Cultivate Compassion
Limit exposure to negativity.
We have a perceptual bias to pay more attention to negative, potentially threatening information. It’s good to be aware of possible threats and problems. But without some perspective-taking, it can lead us to believe that the negative outweighs the positive. Be discerning about the amount of time and attention you give to distressing information on a regular basis.
Practice Loving-Kindness Meditation.
By deliberately imagining yourself, your loved ones, people you feel neutral about, and even people you dislike, experiencing happiness and freedom – you make the world a kinder place. Research in loving-kindness meditation shows it builds emotional resilience and meaningful social connections which can help you respond to challenges with compassion.
#infodumping #psychology
