Sometimes I get The Sound of Music and Inglourious Basterds confused. I think it's the grassy hills.

How do the insides of my glasses lenses get smudgy? I am not touching them with my hands. Are my eyeballs touching them? I think I would know if they were!

I am not a complainer. I am a problem identification specialist.

*cries Jewishly*

“I didn’t ask you to correct my spelling.” No, but you inferred it.

I would rather chomp down on a raw onion with the full force of my teeth than eat a red delicious apple.

One time in Florida my wife and I stayed at a hotel that was so bad we later realized it would have been more pleasant to sleep at the Tampa airport.

Well thank goodness we changed “being homeless” to “experiencing homelessness.” That sure fixed it.

me, a gamer who is bad at fighting games: What do you mean I have to use special moves??

me failing out of engineering college in 1996: Why have you forsaken me… Joe Biden?