i worked at google in the nyc office at port authority for a while and i fucking hated it so bad i would go up to the 14th floor and hang out on the balcony after work and stare out into soho or whatever and think about flinging myself off it. according to lostallhope and the original book by geo stone that everyone cites, 14 stories is definitely plenty to smash all life out of my body unless some freak accident happens. there was only this like waist-high stone thing because google wouldnt compromise aesthetics or anything and i guess this wasn't a very popular thing to do. i wondered if the fact that i did this would show up on my like quarterly report or something but i guess google didnt really care about that.

i thought it might be funny to fling myself off of that and traumatize a ton of nerds especially because there was a ton of internal drama at google at this time. but at some other point while i was there people came in on a monday morning to discover that some guy had just like fully died while at his desk, like not violently not a suicide just like face down on the keyboard dead. we got like an email about this but nothing else happened. even in high school if some kid in a different class died in a car accident then everyone could go talk to a counselor about death if they wanted to or just go home early and process it or something but it really freaked me out that it was just like... Oops. Sorry, there was a dead body. We removed it. All obstacles overcome. Construction begins Monday.

i questioned the wisdom of turning my final act on the planet into a troll, especially a troll on a place that had already dehumanized itself and faced to bloodshed to the extent that it seemed to barely acknowledge death except if it was a body that was occupying a desk and thus preventing it from being used to produce Value, so i guess i never did this.

thats crazy dude

anyway folks im not like about to kill myself im just thinking about it again and how cool death is

i get delusions and when i start seriously contemplating my own death one of the recurring ones is that the afterlife somehow looks like "the third policeman" or some rory hayes comic or something which genuinely freaks me out

the problem is that except in certain obvious cases that guarantee eg a lifetime of chronic pain (or otherwise that you are extremely materially well-off) making these sort of 'economics of phenomenology' forecasts of your own life arent exactly rational, and additional if they could be there is in itself something depressing and alienating about that, so there's a sort of no-win situation here

if youre trying to seriously / relatively calmly approach the question 'should i kill myself' i think it ends up becoming a sort of economic analysis eg 'how much pain do i get from remaining alive' vs 'how many nice things might happen' and decide what the value is to you

despite what people tend to think, killing yourself isnt exactly easy for a number of reasons so the outlook has to be particularly dire to push you into commitment (unless you are in some total fugue state where you are able to confront these sorts of massive commitments without the reservations a human brain will naturally project onto you)

think about all my friends that chose to exit their bodies and its like damn, pretty good move all things considered

blow my brains out and preserve myself in amber as opposed to becoming more insane and being remembered as some sort of tragedy