A supervillain whose deal is that he sneaks into people's houses and scares them when they're about to fall asleep.
His name?
The Hypnic Jerk.

When you hear someone using the 'it's a dog!' voice, and you look up to see the dog, but it's a baby instead.

I have the sudden urge to run away and raise chickens.

From now on, the only man allowed to draw women like they have no internal organs is Perry Dixon Maple, because he also draws men like they have no internal organs.

Just caught myself pressing the pause button on my headphones to try and pause my thoughts.

I made so much money at my show, and now I'm drunk with power.
Someone please stop me from buying a roomba.

Do you think dogs have a sense of perspective, or do they just think things that are far away are really small?

Just figured out that you can only find next year's housing application on my school's website if you're logged out.
Pretty sure that when I die and go to Hell, I will be forced to navigate this website for eternity.