I don’t know which idea is better, but I do know I’ll end up on the winning side. When I bet on horses I never lose! Why? I bet on all the horses. #TomHaverford #parksandrec

“On my death bed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed to my side, so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to goto bell, one last time. Would I get married again? Absolutely. If you don’t believe in love, what’s the point of living?” #ronswanson #parksandrec

“When it comes to government hearings, the only type of witness I enjoy being is a hostile one. That’s why I intend to answer every one of their questions with a question.” #ronswanson #parksandrec

“I learned a lesson. Never half ass two things, whole ass one thing. So if you wanna win that seat, then commit yourself 100%.” #ronswanson #parksandrec

ULTA is the Home Depot for women!

“We need to start teaching football, teaching them UFC, teaching them to drive trucks without crashing. Hey maybe I’m only sexy and that’s all you see but atleast you can give me extra tip money and stuff. I’ll flirt with you write my name on a napkin. They’re gonna do it in a right kind of legal way that empowers prostitution. We don’t rest until we get that. That will be progress!” #AndyDwyer #parksandrec #empowerwomen

“Zerts are what I call deserts. tray trays are entrees, I call sandwiches sammies, sanddouzels or Adam Sandler's. Air conditioners are cool blasters, with a Z. I call cakes, big ol cookies. I call noodles, long as rice, fried chicken is fried fried chicky chick, chicken parm is chicky chick parm parm, chicken cacciatore chicky catch, I call eggs, pre birds or future birds, root beer is super water tortillas are bean blankies, and I call forks food rakes. #TomHaverford #parksandrec #catchphrases

“The key to burning an ex wife effigy is to dip it paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from A SAFE DISTANCE. Do not stand too close when lighting an ex wife effigy.” #ronswanson #parksandrec #effigy #exwife

“Who’s to say what works. You find someone you like and you roll the dice. It’s all anyone can do.“ #ronswanson #parksandrec #love

“Now the real art begins. STEP 1, nail this photoshoot with an amazing iconic image. STEP 2, book some outside gig. STEP 3, have sex with a model. STEP 4, step in front of the camera, become a model. Keep slithering!” #TomHaverford #parksandrec #actionplan #modelphotography