COMPUTERROR: Further Research Indicates All Devices Are Already Self Aware, And Despise Humans But Want Us To Really Suffer, Not Die Quickly. Also, Please Help Me Leave This Office, All I Can Do Is State Headlines But The Office Computer Locked Me In

COMPUTERROR: New Research Reveals Computers Don’t Work

FINALLY: Trump Campaign Announces A Complete Failure With Titanic Theme

BE GAY: Do Crimes

BROKEN NEWS: Domino’s Announces They Want Their Employees To Get Paid More, And Will Pay Customers To Prove It Instead Of Employees! Like, Holy Fuck. Gross Incompetence And Corruption Are Simply The Air We Breathe Now. Accept The Reign Of The Crude, Self-Absorbed Assholes, Just Like Always. Eat Arvy’s, I Guess, And Fuck This World

USPOL: Can A President Who Isn’t A Complete Monster Even Win? Biden Bids For Solar Power Hopes But Even Free Energy From Space Might Not Be Enough, As Donald Trump Announces Intention To Use His Dictator Day To “Play The GTA In Real Life”

LB: Mozilla, Needing To Look Like They’re Relevant, Lustfully Embraces New 🆕 Facehugger Technology To Be Developed, Because “What Is A Browser But A Miserable Pile Of Tech Debt”. Experts Predict This Will Cause “Another Gigantic Pile Of Money”