My therapist is trying to convince me that people aren’t judging me as much as I think they are, and I’m like, ok, well I’m definitely judging them more than they think I am, so explain that, master’s degree

A Hallmark movie where a successful woman from the big city returns home and falls for a small town hunk, only to be visited by three ghosts later that night who grant her the clarity needed to drive back to civilization and get a fucking grip

If I win the lottery, I’m not telling anybody - not because I’m worried about people asking for money, but because “I’m poor” is way too convenient of an excuse to avoid certain things. I don’t care if I’m a billionaire; I still don’t want to go to your destination wedding, Grant

If the Grinch hates Christmas so much, why would he steal it? Really makes you think

Therapist: I was with another client. Why did you say this was an emergency?

Me, explaining to my pants why they’re getting unbuttoned at the table today

Pre-Thanksgiving reminder that the kids’ table is actually the best. No one at the adult table has ever asked how fast I can run or what the best lizard is

In case you’re wondering, yes, we can absolutely reschedule. I don’t care who you are or what we were planning on doing, I am 100% okay with not doing that thing at this time.

Just found out Gen Z kids are calling the 90s “the late 1900s” and I feel like I just drank from the wrong grail in Indiana Jones