I'm losing a lot of followers on Twitter once the location feature showed I was living in a dumpster behind an Arby's

I know I missed #caturday but I wanted to give a shout out to Oliver, the office park cat. I don't know what this little monster eats or how she has survived 4 summers in Phoenix in this office park with no grass or water, but I would take a bullet for her

Getting escorted out of another Arby's because the manager won't let me in the slick meat speakeasy. I know it's back there.

RFK dipped out of that room so fast because he knows he's the one that let that guy take a pull off his whale chode jerky

He cast his sandwich into the void, and the void responded "not guilty"

I always make sure there's an extra blank three pages at the end of one of my reports so that you can wrap up your leftover sandwich if you need to

Me in a Teams meeting: Sorry, could you repeat the question, I've just been staring at myself for no reason whatsoever for the last 20 minutes