Scientists warn that if we don't act now future generations won't know to respond to "guess what" with "chicken butt"

I wonder if Rick Astley struggles with Lent.

I'm usually not in a hurry and I'm super patient, so the few times I do want people to hurry the fuck up, they should know I've been patient all those times and give me credit for that

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees three idiots standing on the track.

My talking T-shirt that experiences time in reverse has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

Everyone has a birdhouse-shaped hole in their soul

"May you live in interesting times" is such an overkill curse tbh. "Fuck you, and anyone existing at the same time as you"

Awwww. Sans-serif confusion between a capital comes-after-h and a lowercase comes-after-k made me think this story was going to be much more interesting than it actually was.

My wife couldn't remember Benedict Cumberbatch's name and called him "scumbly numfkins" and I'm sorry but that's his name now

Rattlesnakes are venomous, not poisonous. If they bite you, you have a problem. But if you bite them, well you have a different problem and it's related to how mean you are to snakes