Self driving cars? What’s next? Self HELP?
*therapist gently pats me on the shoulder and nods*

inside you are two wolves - one thinks that "sommersby" was the movie you're thinking of and the other thinks it's "cold mountain" and they are both wrong and neither of them are wolves

DON'T TELL ME TO STAY HYDRATED. YOU FUCKING STAY HYDRATED. WATER IS LEAVING MY BODY FROM EVERY PORE AND ORIFICE AT AN ALARMING RATE. IT IS A THING. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

I'm listening to an ancient audiobook on physical media and it's read by a white guy who does accents for all the nonwhite characters and I think I might need to call the cops on myself now

my grandmother wears a lifeline alert lanyard in case she slips and falls and an enchanted amulet in case she slips and falls into the dark maw of the infernal nether realm

Firing yourself out of a large caliber instrument of war is a cannon event.

People who place an order just below the amount needed to get free shipping are serial killers.

Why do they make crayons so many different colours when they all taste the same?