All I’m saying is we moved into a new apartment and John McCain died. Excited to see what happens to Kissinger when I buy a new car next week.

ruining my phone’s battery life by furiously unplugging it from the charger every time it hits 69%

okay wait should I be on bofa or social I’m fucking confused

Just found out vape losers call cigarettes analog vaping and I want to go on the record saying they should be fired from a cannon into a rock formation

pretty upset with my low toot engagement

just woke up from a dream in which John Green showed up to a jiujitsu tournament in a wrinkled button down shirt and I arm-barred him for writing The Fault In Our Stars

I don’t know what hockey is and at this point I am afraid to ask.

“Hey, Taylor, did you throw a big rager or something?”
nope just cleaning out my normal girlfriend’s regular cabinets

remember when kid rock rhymed “things” with “things”

You, dumb, smoking Marlboro Reds: This is nice.
Me, a genius, mouth crammed full of American Spirits: Hey man those things will kill you.