Night fell like a herd of drama llamas jousting each other on pogo sticks at a hockey rink—basically it’s a metaphor for the current administration, but carefully veiled.

#BadNoir

Morning arrived like a brick of platonium, the only radioactive elements guaranteed not to react with biological material. Ain’t nothing happening here and you can just forget that whole breeder reactor, the idea is just gross!

#BadNoirClassic

Morning arrived like a hammock full of sleeping bees. Which would be fine if I hadn’t arrived first.

♫ Stay asleep little bees,
♫ Won’t you please…
♫ All abuzz,
♫ Soft as fuzz…
♫ Gotta sneeze…
…
…
Fuck
ACHOOOO

*angry buzzing*

AIEEE!

*and, curtain*

#BadNoirClassic

Morning arrived like a freshly fallen blanket of sn…wait, why is it yellow? Is that pollen? Aieeee, my allergies!

*catastrophic sneezing noises that come faster and faster until they blend into a roar like a rocket that fades slowly into the sky above*

#BadNoirClassic

Morning arrived like the Dance of the Ours: Mine?! Mine?! Mine?! Or, as we refer to it here, Cat and Monkey argue over the yogurt tub. This detective ain’t hard-boiled, he’s carefully cultured and low-fat.

#BadNoirClassic

Morning arrived like the crushing weight of your favorite teacher’s expectations for your great success in their personal field. That or a steamroller…sometimes I get them confused.

#BadNoir

Morning arrived like the realization that everything is sheepshape, and not your post shearing sheep either. We are talking maximum floof with extra lanolin and so many twigs and bits of unidentifiable brown stuff that it makes your follicles weep. It’s a Scottish wake up.

#BadNoirClassic

Morning arrived like a deep fried cheese turd. What worries me more than the idea of cheese eating is what it looks like it’s been eating…is that a mouse skull?

#BadNoirClassic

Morning arrived like Sauron’s big number for LOTR, The Musical: If You Want It You Damn Well Put A Ring On It!

“All the mortal men, all the mortal men. All the dwarven lords…”

It’s the nine fingered armored gloves in the dance routine that really sells it.

#BadNoirClassic