Alright, I just unloaded all my drafts that’s aren’t just about me killing myself.

Whenever I’m not looking this little green alien sneaks up behind me and injects me with a glowing serum in the back of my leg. I keep trying to catch the thing but it’s always two steps ahead of me, today it hit me with a tractor beam to freeze me in place when it stuck me.

Cool invention ideas #44: pissable beds.

This spring, do spring cleaning by brushing your neighbors teeth, but slightly too hard, so it’s sort of uncomfortable for them.

Got fired from my job because every time I saw a dog i would put my fingers to my temples like Professor X, and strain really hard trying to make it explode with my mind; not stopping until it was out of my sight, and apparently that was scaring off customers.

I wish they would hire me into the spreading fake news industry, I would put boys in flat caps and suspenders that stand on wooden boxes, on every street corner and they would yell: “EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT!” I would be spreading misinformation by the fist full.

So I picked up a shift as a train conductor for my buddy because he’s sick, but some bandits just blew up the wooden bridge that crosses the canyon, while my train is careening towards it. And like damn what the fuck am I supposed to do here? It takes me 4 miles to break.

My hands forget themselves. They know not what they do. Are we picking up a spoon right now? No, we’re mashing the tips of my fingers into the table edge. Are we pressing the F key on my keyboard? No, we’re slamming our entire palm into everything on that half of the board.