Lol I've gotten to the point where I'm just sitting rough drafts in my head to work on after the computer finishes updating (windows 11 downloaded but doesn't seem like it will install. Can't figure out why).
Like for sure picking up my first hrt prescription is going to be an animated story thing.
But it will be 2 parts. 1 that focuses on the main story. And a second one where I have a complete breakdown in the middle of telling that story and explain the context for that particular issue
I've let autogynephilia rule my life for too long.
I've only kept these annoying obnoxious boobs around because I like to look at and touch them plus phobic of surgery and change.
But I can't exercise. I can hardly move my body. I can barely even sleep. And finding clothes I like and want to wear everyday is so hard because just having boobs has gotten me creeped on since I was 13.
I don't actually like or want them as part of my own body. So one day I'll get em removed tbh
Now that I'm feeling more myself and less in a depressed fog of complacency.
My fuck you energy is back and stronger than ever.
Not getting into all the reasons *why* she was wrong even about the early version of my book.
But suffice it to say. She kicked lime salt into a very fresh wound with such intensity that I did callus over and abandon art entirely for years. Including 6 instruments that I played.
Because I couldn't handle what I was doing through and judgements from teachers or on my art all at once. So I cut the thing that could be cut to save the rest of myself
I had an art teacher once.
She discouraged me and told me I wasn't even trying. Claimed my children's book wasn't really personal and couldn't be shared with kids. (It was basically the ugly duckling except about a caterpillar)
I'll show her. And I'll add her in as a villain. The parasitoid wasp that destroys young caterpillars to make more of themselves.
And I'll even get it published with an extra special fuck you included just for her
(go the fuck to sleep is published and sold, so yeah)
Well. I guess you don't make mad liberation your main political focus unless you're at least moderately insane to begin with.
A little schitzoposting is probably expected from me actually.
Still. It's frustrating.
Falling back into the habit of posting into the void to sort out my thoughts. Wish I could just stop TBH.
(This post is half self aware half I really just can't stop when the tulpas start going at it so can't be bothered with self awareness lol)
But in other news. Just started hrt today. So that may either help stabilize my moods or make them worse/highlight the need for proper mood stabilizers maybe.
(I know anti depressants are bad for me and anti anxiety meds do very little outside of ones to take acutely which do work in the moment. But seem to be the kind most likely to lead to addiction which gives me a greater baseline anxiety level about it and thus more panic attacks in general. So kinda just better to avoid lol)