Mastodawn

Flip Spicerack

61 Followers

142 Following

354 Posts

Beer, Boobs, Baseball, and Tacos too.

Do you ever wonder how many people on the planet have fantasized about having the sexxy-sex with you?

I bet it's at least three people.

It’s about time we had more [uncountable noun][body part] ailments along the lines of glue ear.

Gas ankle.
Money face.
Software ribs.

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely schedule more cheese

What if each of your teeth had a different pitch and you had to communicate by hitting them with a tuning fork?

Take your childhood fear to work day. What to pick... snakes or clowns

[first day as a police detective]

me: *extremely gravelly voice* there’s no such thing as a free hunch

chief: you’re fired

Do monks call each other “Bruh”?

I no longer compare women to anything made by man or God after I went too far with an unfortunate avocado metaphor.

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

I'm off to the library, while we're still allowed to read whatever we want.