The deeper I go into connecting w who I really am, the more refined my system gets, and the more important it is for me discern what I’m prioritizing/making important.
I like how easy this one makes it.
Sometimes i forget how working at home has shaped me in my liberatory journey.
Working at home is such a privledge, in so many ways, but today i’m thinking about it wrt the gaze
Working at home, i don’t have to participate with the gaze of culture. I honestly forget, sometimes, how this has contributed to my growth in this life journey as trans.
I am grateful that in my days, the gaze from others isn’t in my attention, and doesn’t have to be in my attention, because people only see me from my upper chest upwards.
I am grateful to have the privledge to wear dresses and not get shit about it. I am grateful to not get shit about my tits, that don’t match cultures expected gaze.
I am grateful to not have to care about how my tits look, or more specifically, my nipples.
I am grateful to dress in any way i want, to not “pass” one way or another, with regards to the gaze of culture, who has dictated what a “woman” looks like or what a “man” looks like.
I have so much choice, working at home.
I notice the difference, when a client comes in my house, and i dress differently to hide my chest, because i know how much importance the gaze has in this culture, and is tied to capitalism (earning money).
When i go out into the world, i notice a difference. A placating to the gaze. And, that can be fun, when i am in choice about it.
And, i have immense privilege, because these days i mostly feel in choice about it, as i am in spaces and places with people who honor bodies and expressions, not tied to identity.
and of course, phew, i am so privileged to pass, with just small adjustments from me, in the way that culture accepts me, and i have to name that.
I'm in a writing org, that is very cis hetro. We were all to respond to a written response. of what our gifts are. Here's my fast write to them...
When I was contemplating the gifts i offer I thought about how I am often able to be amidst conflict, and still be able to be grounded and open hearted. I thought about how, yes, this is literally at the center of my job/my business, and it perhaps what allows me be of service in the world, while also providing me with financial resources. This all felt good. When I sat with it further, I felt something deeper, something that connected me to grief. I thought about the people and organizations where I spend most of my time, and I realized that these groups are BIPOC and queer run groups, and we are walking conflicts. We are so used to being in convlict.
Being gender fluid, sexually fluid, and neurodivergent in a cis hetro normative culture literally makes me a walking conflict. And for my siblings who are BIPOC, they have an added layer of that I will never understand. There was something important about naming this, that helped me to understand why certain spaces are safer for me to be in, and why other spaces require so much emotional labor. It was helpful for me to name an elephant in my own room of understanding, how much work it takes to fully be who I am, to be in a body that this culture does not validate, understand, give worth to, wants to turn away from, or, even eradicate. I was talking with some folks about this yesterday- the more real we are with who we truly are, in all the ways, the less safe we are in this culture, and the more labor it requires for us to be in cis hetro normative spaces. We were slow and grounded and open in love, in this naming. It felt powerful to name this with out shame, without blame, without victimization- in any direction. It was important to name these simple truths.
Question for white lgbtqia folks only:
Why don't you explore anti racism? (in yourself and/or in culture)
What kept you from doing anti racist work earlier in your life?
What led you to going down the anti racist habit hole?
I am genuinely curious. On a more personal note I heard from an old gf recently and she's done no anti racist exploring, and so i'm feeling some feels on all this.
Bellison22