is it fair to call this sexual abuse
My mother attempted to convince me that I was molested by my adoptive father. This started when I was 6. I experienced things like hypnosis to “recover” memories that were fed to the therapists. I have talked to therapists about this but it’s fucking useless. I don’t know how to deal with two sets of memories and I’m sick of spending $400 on “oh yeah the only thing I know how to do is CBT.”
Gum picking (gross)
I pick my gums. I usually bite a fingernail off and use it to pick with. I enjoy the sensation of pain from having a sharp thing in between my gums and my teeth immensely (not sexual, but a sensation that I cannot really compare to anything else) I have tried all sorts of solutions to try to stop this, and I’m not really wanting them right now. I have managed to stop biting my nails for a time, but this will instead be replaced with grinding my teeth/picking without biting the nail off first/flossing or tooth picking to the point of bleeding. What I would really like is harm reduction here. I don’t know what I would say to a dentist or doctor. I will wash my hands before biting my nails to at least make an effort as far as bacteria and infections. I imagine this will lead to long term damage down the road/already, but maybe there are things I can do that will at least fuck me up less in the long run.
Is it possible to “make” someone have seizures?
I stopped taking my seizure meds for a few weeks. When I was living with my ex, going off the meds resulted in seizures within the next few days. I mean grand mal, unconscious for a few minutes and post octal phase where I have zero idea what is going on (one of the most terrifying feelings you can have honestly) I’ve been living on my own for a few years now, and gradually halfed my dose for financial reasons. For the past <month I’ve been entirely off. Maybe this is weird. But at one point there was a few days where I had left my meds somewhere else after staying elsewhere a few days, and was worried about driving, and he said: “don’t worry, you aren’t going to have a seizure.”
Not yet! Don’t officially find out until the 2nd. The waiting is worse.
I really just want to die. There has never been a point in my life where I have been treated with dignity or respect. I was born in a place that didn’t want me, to a family that didn’t want me.
You are clearly under mental strain and it will be hard.
That’s the thing. I have been under hellish levels of toxic stress for three years with almost zero support. All the paperwork for things like unemployment or even just applying for jobs is overwhelming. I am thoroughly burned out, I can barely take care of myself.
There’s no help is there?
You can’t show any emotion at all about what happened to you. People don’t want you to exist. People want to say call 988 because it lets them pretend you don’t exist. All I have ever wanted is for someone to say, “yes. You were sexually abused. We stood by and did nothing. You told us. You made it clear. And instead of helping you, we let people punish you. We let your mother put you in hospitals to drug you. We let her send you to hypnotists to try to convince you you were raped by the only person who made you feel safe, because she was still angry about the divorce.” Being hurt and tortured makes you an unperson. If I do end up offing myself, everyone will pretend they cared. But they won’t help me eat today, they won’t help me find a job, they won’t give me a hug. It’s like the herd knows when a parent has rejected its offspring, and all agrees to make the same choice.
