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It wasn't because I didn't' have a job after all. Nor because I didn't do anything around the house.

https://lemmy.world/post/35142033

It wasn't because I didn't' have a job after all. Nor because I didn't do anything around the house. - Lemmy.World

Saw my ex had repaired the fence, joyously. Plus, all the house cleaning she’s been doing, happily, and I realize, it was never because I didn’t clean. It wasn’t because I didn’t have a job. It was just because I came home in pain in 2000, and got worse. I was weak. Fuck! Fucking hell, that hurts. 25 years she basically strung me along, then made me leave when my pains and health were so much worse that I really can’t just get a job and work…Fuck! Well, to be fair, it’s my fault. When her anger kept up while I was working, and when she wouldn’t let me save money for a doctor, and when she wouldn’t give me time to learn an easier career…I should have bailed while I could at least work part time…So so so so many years ago…I am so screwed. And my mental health is trashed right now…Come on spine, knee, stop it…Pretty please? Let me have a little free time? Please? Pretty please?

Not a clue. The doctor & mri doctors didn’t see anything besides a few minor problems that don’t explain it. Though, I know what I did that started them, furniture delivery. They just got worse with every job, chore, I did over these 25 years.

I really don't think I'm going to make it. Oof!

https://lemmy.world/post/34757996

I really don't think I'm going to make it. Oof! - Lemmy.World

After my wife made me leave home, the first few days went well enough. Almost got a job once, but then, the pain started up, and just kept up. One gal at the Kansasworks place saw how bad it got, and just told me straight up that I should go back to my home town and keep working with the group that’s trying to help me. From the NSAIDs that I took in 21, plus my 51 years, I’m not a safe driver any more. Also, I have a fear of women. When I talk to those gals who are trying to help me, I get so freaked out. Sitting, standing, walking, it doesn’t fucking matter. It all hurts so much. So much that I can’t think, nor concentrate. How the hell am I going to learn a new kind of job if I can’t think? I drop things. I forget things. I can’t concentrate…Shit! And to make matters worse, the fucking MRI, that I’ve been trying to get for so many years, that my ex just would not let me save money for, showed fucking nothing,. AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaargh! Eh, my NSAID stomach issues let me drink a little drink, so I’m kind of tipsy right now. Living in my little niece’s house…Fuck me! So sore…So tired…Fucking hell. Eh, I got a meeting coming up with voc rehab at the social security place on Friday, so fingers crossed…I can find a way to live like this…Because if I can’t cook, and I can’t clean…I am going to go absolutely batshit insane. End really really really piss poor rant, heh. This would be so fucking long if I were to get any more detailed…O_o.

Pains have me burnt out

https://lemmy.world/post/33334590

Pains have me burnt out - Lemmy.World

Oof! Finally have a career I want to try for, case worker for chronic illness sufferers and abuse victims, but yeesh my pains have drug me down quite a ways. It looks like the larger cities I’ll need to volunteer for, which I presumed that I’d need to start out that way, but getting a place to stay for that time is not going as smoothly as it has been in my smaller (not-so-) home town. The job hunt for something that won’t cause my pains to push my mental state over the edge isn’t going as well either. Lots of options for remote work, buuuut no reliable internet, or no reliable mental state (no way in hell could I think clearly enough living with my ex…I have found I have a lot more PTSD like symptoms than I thought…plus, it happens with every one of my family, not just with my ex-wife, FFS). OOOOOOOOOOoooouch! I hurt so bloody much.

My margin for error is a lot higher than I though.

https://lemmy.world/post/32236926

My margin for error is a lot higher than I though. - Lemmy.World

Been experimenting with my pains and the dizzy spells, (as I need to move out as soon as possible), and it turns out how many mistakes I make when the pains and dizziness hit is pretty damn high. It doesn’t matter what I do…well, it is definitely worsened if I bend over. Which can be about two days worth of work or just once. Very very erratic. Anyway, when the pains hit, speaking will become incoherent. I’ll drop things regularly. I’ll definitely forget cleanliness, safety measures, and necessary conversation skills that’d be required for any kind of work. Oof! This doesn’t look good, but my wife is really getting pissed that I’m still here. I really wish I would have thought of affordable apartments back in 2017. I was still in a lot of pain back then, but not this much. Son of a @!#$…🙄

Health is on a downward spiral.

https://lemmy.world/post/31787764

Health is on a downward spiral. - Lemmy.World

As in another post a few days ago, I had mentioned that my wife was kicking me out, now it’s wanting me gone, but I can stay a while longer. Anyway, my health is on its way down again, as it does. A couple pains really sore, a few more highly exhausting, and the NSAID GERD is making me terribly dizzy. Oof! anyhoo, starting to forget things which means she’s getting a little more harsh. So far it’s a joking kind of anger, so not too bad, but I’m afraid it’s coming, O_o. Yesterday I left a wrapper on her computer, and had set out a couple old computers for a nephew to pick up. Today it was leaving a curtain open and I don’t remember moving the couch out a few inches either, o_O. Oof! Ringing in my ear is pretty loud, too. Oh, so dizzy.

Somewhere in the OP you mentioned NSAID’s which are what I get prescribed - the one I have is called diclofenac and it’s stronger than ibuprofen but there are even stronger ones too.

Oh, no no no no! I was prescribed two NSAIDs back in Oct of 21, and only took them for two weeks. The issues I got from them haven’t stopped since. High blood pressure, difficulty breathing (They’ve at least added almost the same amount if not more issues as my smoking had up to that time. Constantly coughing up sugary, salty phlegm), and about a year ago an off-and-on pain just below my front ribs (All across), oh, and dizziness…really really really bad dizziness…Used to be worse than my pains, but I think that’s changing.

Oh, and a doctor prescribed omeprozole to help with the stomach and lungs in February of 22, and I gained almost 20 pounds in one month…I have only gained that much weight that fast once in my lifetime, and that’s when I attempted to quit smoking in 99 or 98. Only recently have I finally gone under 200 lbs, but I’m still 5 away from my heaviest, and 10 from my weight before I took the omeprozole.

Which is one thing I’m seriously worried about, the first two years my lungs would clear up once in a while, and I could breathe normally, but about mid to late 2023 they have not gone back to being that good at all. No matter how I feel. I really need to get screened, but of course, I finally get the nerve to stand up for myself and setup a doctors appointment, now I have to find a whole new way to live, yeesh!

Don’t know. Every time I tried saving money for the mri, I’d get snapped at about not helping out, to which I’d cave and blow what I’d save. But I know what caused most of them, Furniture Delivery. Tore a muscle or tendon in my left arm, meniscus tear in my left knee. At least two or three parts of my back are from that, too. The worst spot in my upper spine is the only odd one out. Probably caused from carrying backpacks of books from my youth.

This morning almost my whole back feels like it’s on fire, and my upper spine hurts like hell. Oof, and I think my knee and arm hurt a bit, but are drowned out by my back.

Alrighty, I finally told her I know. So now maybe she’ll stop getting so angry, and I can keep focusing on trying to find a job, and making my resume better. I really screwed up giving up so often trying to please her, as I’ve got diddly squat for skills (for non-physical labor), so this is going to be hell. O_o.

Unless I can find a botanical garden that needs someone without skills that knows a lot about ferns, 🤣 .

Man, I have a lot of knowledge in my head, assembly & c programming, wiring up houses, woodworking (carpentry, design, etc), hell I bet I could have learned cad in just a few months, but alas, NOOOOOOO! I’m 50 now, me brain no learn well any more, and I’m in too much pain to be able to do much for the 8 hours needed. FFS! 😠

Nope. I realized back in 2018 that she really doesn’t know me. She’s never seen that I like to clean, and that throughout my life with these pains I’ve tried so hard to find ways to keep the house clean, and she’d always get mad at me for it (Justifiably and not at the same time).

Which, unfortunately, giving up so often has really caused a huge problem, learned behavior is going to be troubling to deal with. Meh, if I don’t get something done with my pains (Or a safer job found) and the issues solved from the NSAIDs, the “bad learned behavior” is going to be the least of my problems.