please do not take my experience & think that I mean every marginalized person should react or handle situations the way I do b/c we all have the right to be as angry & react the way you feel the most comfortable

When I was about 18 and I finally somehow made it into college (community college; but it was in a really rich yt neighborhood so it operated like a 4 year) I was the queen of the coons. I was like ben carson/ stacey dash super saiyan

I only dated yt men, I was obsessed w/ yt acceptance & b/c of where & how I grew up I was done w/ the blacks. I was also like the amazing atheist in the sense where I left the christian religion b/c of what I'd learned in my World Civilizations class in high school the previous year so I was all types of fucking LOST lmao

So imagine little self hating me who hated being black/african trying to find myself in this all white safe haven (that's what I though lol) shit was brazy out here.

HOW I got to that point was due to growing up in the hood... legit my ass was living where bullets fly & nggas was dying left & right until I was about 13 I moved to a pretty suburban area but it bordered my old neighborhood so I had this constant battle w/ trying to fit in w/ the subirds & my friends in the old neighborhood.

ANYWAYS that's how I got to the rich yt college b/c I was running away from myself... I wanted yts to like me & I didn't want to be 'failure' esp being kenyan... my family would keep trying to tell me not to be like ~those blacks~

I used to let my yt friends say ngga around me... I used to let them comment on my hair... I used to let them treat me like a fucking black dictionary teach them all the new lingo & urban slang all types of fucked up shit. I even changed the way I spoke (y'all know code switching in order to be somewhat respected lol) and I learned to maneuver myself in yt spaces UNTIL...

I met my Women's Study's professor. She was an Afro-
Indonesian feminist who was my literal reason for not dropping out of college. I was so depressed b/c of avoiding who I was... but her class changed me.

She clocked all the yts in my class. She mentioned every thing I was going through... the internalized racism, internalized misogyny girl I was looking like https://mastodon.social/media/Hl8kLxznRbbPxSDk60I

And when we learned about gender/ sexuality - non binary people, intersex people, trans people girl a women's studies 101 class taught me the basics & a bitch was changed. Even after the class ended I would continue to meet w/ my professor & we got to know each other really well...

I started surrounding myself with the VERY few poc I did see on campus. We were kinda like a gang lmao & we would exchange experiences & talk about the way we grew up and at age 19 I had become a self identifying feminist. And my yt friends were NOT having it. When I would start to clock them on saying the n word they would ignore me call me sensitive one even called me racist lmao

Meanwhile I had a tumblr too so I would talk to other feminists online to help better myself about social justice but mainly my professor & my friends irl were my source of understanding even doing all the research myself & writing my English paper thesis on internalized racism.

soooo by the time I was about 20 or so I was sort of liberal and I was very KUMBAYAHish and believed if we all held hands & listened to one another & showed love w/ one another we would be able to coexist blah blah blah & soon I had a very RUDE awakening to how that was not true

On campus when I would see my friends try to explain to yts why certain things were racist, even in the nicest sweetest way possible they would still be extremely hostile. When I myself would explain to yts even in a way they would understand it still wasn't working. One day - cause I used to work in my campus library- a yt girl approached me & asked about my hair (it was in twists)

I smiled and said 'oh these are twists...' & she just stared at me & made this really smug smile and said, 'you mean dreads?' and I took a moment, looked at her & responded like 'no i mean twists'

she then proceeded to grab one of my twists & was like 'these are dreads I know they are!' and instinctively I slapped her hand and told her to never touch my hair. This is when I knew (obviously many instances before helped me realEYES but this was def the icing) that yts are really not shit. She started CRYING saying I assaulted her? I legit lost my job. The yt staff did not believe me when I explained, calmly, that she grabbed my hair and I swiped her hand away

I thought they would be on my side if I told the truth. But my boss looked me in the eye & said 'I expected more from you... you're so smart & ~well spoken~' I KNEW that was code for: you're the good negro'

anyways I went home & cried... I realized that it really doesn't matter how well I speak, how smart I am, how friendly and nice I am to them... they will always treat me the same... and then that ended my journey w/ yts all together. My 20-21st age I just legit stopped interacting w/ yts all together lmao

I started talking to my political science professor who was a leftist (and black & fine as hell ) & although we often butted heads on ideologies... I finally saw the light. He sent me texts of malcolm x, black panthers all types of pro-black academics

I spent those that whole year studying (oh I also dropped out for a while cause of personal shit) but I continued to keep in touch w/ my professors & by then I had become a full blown leftist

girl I even found out my grandfather (who is also a professor) was friends w/ THE Angela Davis!!! BITCH I WAS SHOOK

Most of my family is in Kenya so they have a warped view of the African-American experience & would shove all types of nonsense down my throat but my grandfather was siting here a whole commie & never saying shit about it.. so we began to talk even more about communism & socialism

fast forward to NOW and I in just about 5 years? became a COMPLETELY different person. I've seen people change in less. Basically I made this to say that i ease up on some of us. Some of us really going through it we lost in the sauce and meeting the right people can change your whole perspective in life

I was SO lucky I met my professors and learned so much about my grandfather & his affiliation w/ the black panthers. I am NOT perfect and I am not where I want to be yet I have a lot to learn but I no longer feel so damn lost & out of it. This is just MY experience & I'm still evolving and changing.

Basically if you're new to all of this you're okay. I'm here with you. It's fucked up esp learning from the beginning that every fucking thing you know is some BS but I'm with you. You don't gotta be squeaky clean you're gonna fuck up & say prejudice things but you know what as long as you clock yourself apologize & make sure you don't do it again you good. We all out here learning lol