♡ mu Can I be honest? Please forgive me because I do not have the academic range for this conversation - but I really would like to talk about MY journey in what's the word? social awakening? idk sounds corny tho lol
please do not take my experience & think that I mean every marginalized person should react or handle situations the way I do b/c we all have the right to be as angry & react the way you feel the most comfortable
When I was about 18 and I finally somehow made it into college (community college; but it was in a really rich yt neighborhood so it operated like a 4 year) I was the queen of the coons. I was like ben carson/ stacey dash super saiyan
I only dated yt men, I was obsessed w/ yt acceptance & b/c of where & how I grew up I was done w/ the blacks. I was also like the amazing atheist in the sense where I left the christian religion b/c of what I'd learned in my World Civilizations class in high school the previous year so I was all types of fucking LOST lmao
So imagine little self hating me who hated being black/african trying to find myself in this all white safe haven (that's what I though lol) shit was brazy out here.
HOW I got to that point was due to growing up in the hood... legit my ass was living where bullets fly & nggas was dying left & right until I was about 13 I moved to a pretty suburban area but it bordered my old neighborhood so I had this constant battle w/ trying to fit in w/ the subirds & my friends in the old neighborhood.
ANYWAYS that's how I got to the rich yt college b/c I was running away from myself... I wanted yts to like me & I didn't want to be 'failure' esp being kenyan... my family would keep trying to tell me not to be like ~those blacks~
I used to let my yt friends say ngga around me... I used to let them comment on my hair... I used to let them treat me like a fucking black dictionary teach them all the new lingo & urban slang all types of fucked up shit. I even changed the way I spoke (y'all know code switching in order to be somewhat respected lol) and I learned to maneuver myself in yt spaces UNTIL...
I met my Women's Study's professor. She was an Afro-
Indonesian feminist who was my literal reason for not dropping out of college. I was so depressed b/c of avoiding who I was... but her class changed me.
Indonesian feminist who was my literal reason for not dropping out of college. I was so depressed b/c of avoiding who I was... but her class changed me.
She clocked all the yts in my class. She mentioned every thing I was going through... the internalized racism, internalized misogyny girl I was looking like https://mastodon.social/media/Hl8kLxznRbbPxSDk60I
And when we learned about gender/ sexuality - non binary people, intersex people, trans people girl a women's studies 101 class taught me the basics & a bitch was changed. Even after the class ended I would continue to meet w/ my professor & we got to know each other really well...
I started surrounding myself with the VERY few poc I did see on campus. We were kinda like a gang lmao & we would exchange experiences & talk about the way we grew up and at age 19 I had become a self identifying feminist. And my yt friends were NOT having it. When I would start to clock them on saying the n word they would ignore me call me sensitive one even called me racist lmao
Meanwhile I had a tumblr too so I would talk to other feminists online to help better myself about social justice but mainly my professor & my friends irl were my source of understanding even doing all the research myself & writing my English paper thesis on internalized racism.
soooo by the time I was about 20 or so I was sort of liberal and I was very KUMBAYAHish and believed if we all held hands & listened to one another & showed love w/ one another we would be able to coexist blah blah blah & soon I had a very RUDE awakening to how that was not true
On campus when I would see my friends try to explain to yts why certain things were racist, even in the nicest sweetest way possible they would still be extremely hostile. When I myself would explain to yts even in a way they would understand it still wasn't working. One day - cause I used to work in my campus library- a yt girl approached me & asked about my hair (it was in twists)
I smiled and said 'oh these are twists...' & she just stared at me & made this really smug smile and said, 'you mean dreads?' and I took a moment, looked at her & responded like 'no i mean twists'
she then proceeded to grab one of my twists & was like 'these are dreads I know they are!' and instinctively I slapped her hand and told her to never touch my hair. This is when I knew (obviously many instances before helped me realEYES but this was def the icing) that yts are really not shit. She started CRYING saying I assaulted her? I legit lost my job. The yt staff did not believe me when I explained, calmly, that she grabbed my hair and I swiped her hand away
I thought they would be on my side if I told the truth. But my boss looked me in the eye & said 'I expected more from you... you're so smart & ~well spoken~' I KNEW that was code for: you're the good negro'
anyways I went home & cried... I realized that it really doesn't matter how well I speak, how smart I am, how friendly and nice I am to them... they will always treat me the same... and then that ended my journey w/ yts all together. My 20-21st age I just legit stopped interacting w/ yts all together lmao
I started talking to my political science professor who was a leftist (and black & fine as hell ) & although we often butted heads on ideologies... I finally saw the light. He sent me texts of malcolm x, black panthers all types of pro-black academics
I spent those that whole year studying (oh I also dropped out for a while cause of personal shit) but I continued to keep in touch w/ my professors & by then I had become a full blown leftist
girl I even found out my grandfather (who is also a professor) was friends w/ THE Angela Davis!!! BITCH I WAS SHOOK
Most of my family is in Kenya so they have a warped view of the African-American experience & would shove all types of nonsense down my throat but my grandfather was siting here a whole commie & never saying shit about it.. so we began to talk even more about communism & socialism
bry@blushbabe how is SHE gonna tell you what's on ur head
@blackyute miss Sarah Belle had me all the way fucked up tbh