ok, so my mastodon instance is now throwing 500s on every page load and the logs are helpfully like

[7eb6caf9-6618-42de-b8af-3200ec95f069] method=GET path=/ format=html controller=HomeController action=index status=500 error='ActionView::Template::Error: undefined method `protocol' for nil:NilClass' duration=43.84 view=0.00 db=10.70

what the f