1 May
Happy new month! How is it going for you?

I'm feeling sad and I'm not sure why. It could be something to do with starting some tidying and decluttering yesterday.

Or maybe the doctor. I was thrown because it was a different one who didn't seem interested in talking about the things that matter.
The immediate issue seems far from resolved, but I didn't get much explanation.
I do not feel the communication passport thing has been helpful, or worth the effort, or taken seriously. Now I feel let down but like it's my own fault.

This morning I felt bad that I wasn't up to going out and wasn't ready for dropping my husband at the station but that was harder to refuse. Had to dash back for something forgotten too. Got back home about 10:30 ish, but it's taken me until 12:20 something to get this far. I don't understand how this took so long. All I've done is to catch up here.

2 May
How are you all doing? What's going on in your Saturday?

I have been having some big things going round in my head which I will share when I've finished working through them.

I started off today very sad because I sent something off to auction that I just didn't want to part with. I do think it's the right thing to do, though and I am quite optimistic that this might be the start of a healthy streak of decluttering.

3 May
Hello! How are you doing? Is your Sunday being kind?

I am very behind and not having much fun trying to catch up. My sleep was not very good and I woke up early. Fatigue is beating me. Just had a coffee.

Had dinner with friends last night and that was quite challenging in several ways, although there were good bits. It always amazes me that I seem to be good company sometimes, especially when with friends that I've not seen for years (that is such a worry that I'm exhausted from the beginning).

Will try to have a nice cosy afternoon.

4 May
How's everybody doing?

It's grey and dull here. I've done some washing and hung it out but wouldn't be surprised if it rains. I can't push through a feeling of being stuck today. I seem to have become more drained as the day has gone on.

I've been thinking about fatigue and the confusion with the way it is misunderstood. I think when I was diagnosed with ME/CFS (2000) I believed it meant that I didn't have fatigue before the identified onset. Something about that didn't make sense but I hadn't yet learned to question what doctors told me.

There is probably a lot in my childhood that could have been related to fatigue. I had no clue there was possibly something disabling me and even if I had, I would have been far too afraid to speak up about it. It's just sunk in that I could have done so much better if I'd only known that I was deserving of reasonable adjustments.

6 May
Hello, how's your Wednesday working out?

We've been out for a few things including a little walk. I've had yet another different prescription item turn out to be in short supply so now I'll have play chase the meds again.

I was pleased yesterday that I got another card made to post today and a load of washing that I could have easily pretended didn't have to be done.

7 May
Happy Thursday all. Hope you've managed to vote if it's happening where you are. We've done a postal vote.

Yesterday I did a small repair job using a tool I've never tried before (but had for years). Very pleased with myself. Later did a bit more on my craft project. Other good news is that I've had an email from someone doing a survey I've completed about the experience of ND life in my county. Looking forward to hearing more about that.

I woke up about an hour early and didn't get back off to sleep. Since I've been up I seem to have drastically slowed down. It's like being in a living nightmare and I'm struggling so much. My husband has gone out for the day so I don't have the comfort of his company.

8 May
Good afternoon everybody, how are you doing today?

So sorry for not chatting with anyone so far today. I've had a 2 hour phone call with a lovely person doing a survey of the experience of ND life in our county. It was a conversation I actually really enjoyed. He's very committed to the plan and intends to use our input (with consent) to inform local services and authorities of the reality behind the label. Not sure if that is actually possible, but I appreciate his efforts.

Going out for a little walk next. I wonder what's going on in Tales of the Riverbank today. I haven't seen the swan family for a long time, but the muntjacs are very lively. We once saw a kingfisher in a tree when the flood plane was up, which I found so exciting.

9 May
Morning everybody, what's happening in your weekends?

If anyone is interested, on our walk yesterday we said hello to a family of squirrels, saw bubbles and clouds indicating fish digging in the mud, and I was landed on by a couple of mayflies. I've never met mayflies before so that was educational.

Our council vote and most of the surrounding ones have gone Reform. We border on the lone Green patch.

Trying to prove to myself that I can still do this in the morning and that I'm not declining so far that there's no point. It's getting harder for me to reply to morning posts because on top of struggling with waking up, it seems I'm also struggling to feel actually alive 😔 WTF is going on with that?

10 May
Hello, how's everyone doing this Sunday?

So I was quite down yesterday when I wrote my update. I was tempted to do some gardening.
I've not done any for years because it upsets me so much I fear it would cause a meltdown. Somehow, I was able to cope yesterday and I didn't feel all the horrible things I was afraid of. I got a good bit of weeding done and felt like I was moving more easily than expected. I thought my hip would protest after the pain it's given me recently.

I carried on for several hours and it was really quite uplifting. Maybe it's a sign of things starting to fall into place for me. I was completely exhausted afterwards, but I hope the bit of EMDR I've started is freeing up some headspace.

11 May
Hello lovely people, how's your Monday going?

I've started doing a couple of puzzles recently which is quite unusual. I like puzzles but for years I've felt too much like I don't have time because I couldn't manage doing the basics and general life stuff as well. Maybe this is (like the gardening on Saturday) something shifting to free up more space in my head. I do hope so.

Whatever that might be, I am having new difficulty with my routine of doing daily posts here and chatting to people I follow. I know nobody minds too much, but it feels like I'm missing out on the little bit of connection that is so good for me. It could be simply that the fatigue is ramping up but I have no idea how to cope with it.

12 May
Morning everybody, I hope you have some brightness in your day.

I had a call with the psychologist yesterday and also saw the osteopath. Both were helpful and felt positive.

Today I'm doing a family visit. Hope it doesn't end with nasty pain like last time. As I've been seen by the osteopath I should be alright.

13 May
Hello everybody, how are you doing today?
It's been very showery here. Grey and not fun but you can't complain about the rain when the ground is so dry.

I've had a good phone call with a wonderful friend and it felt really special. Having a call is fine when it's someone I want to talk to, but I wish the decision part wasn't so hard.

I've done some catching up here which was good, but seems so inadequate as the only thing I've done besides the phone call. We did have stuff going on in the morning and I was a bit distracted, I suppose.

14 May
Hello all, how has your Thursday been?
Sorry I've not managed to chat with more people today.

We've had more work being done here today. It was a bit noisy and distracting but I've managed to get a few things done, including a birthday card with some of my new paints.

Now I'm rather wiped out. I felt like going for a walk earlier but there was a lot of rain and we needed to be here for the work happening. Maybe if I'd got out I would have been a bit more lively.

16 May
Have a good Saturday everyone.

We have plans to go out today so I can't take my time and hang around here too long.

We are going to the auction viewing including some of my childhood items I've convinced myself it's time to move on. I don't know if I'm going to get upset, or if I'll be so interested in the other lots that I don't notice too much.

17 May
How's everyone doing? OK Sunday?

Today I have mostly been making my craft room and the spare room look like a bomb site (that is, worse than they were already) before hurriedly trying to get them back into some kind of order.
It has been hard work but I feel better for it.

On the bright side I seem to have stopped accumulating stuff that I don't have time for (not that I'm getting through what's already there).

There's a ridiculous amount of stuff for me to get under control. I'm not sure it's remotely possible.

18 May
How's it going this Monday?

I've had a big day. Autistic adults meeting was nice. Different people. All into Comicon. One of them said I look much younger than my age. A group leader complemented me on looking better than last time she saw me. I do honestly feel a little better and I wondered if I could be turning a corner.

Had a lovely lunch in the vegan cafe then walked home mostly along the riverside. Saw the muntjacs again, even closer to the houses this time.

I bathed and got changed before my osteopath appointment. That seemed to go well.
Just been catching up here. It's been a good day.

19 May
Morning everybody, how are you doing?

I'm not quite caught up from yesterday. It was a good day but now I'm back down to earth, I haven't quite found my feet again. Actually, still wondering how to process positivity after such a long dry spell with hardly any.

Two different people coming to the house today making me a bit on edge (at least they are the more friendly ones). Lots for me to do. It will be a struggle and I'm feeling hungry a couple of hours after breakfast. That may be a sign of low spoons, so forgive me not managing any individual chats. I have been reading as much as I can.

20 May
Hope Wednesday is behaving itself with you.

I think a good word for me today is befuddled. I forgot the time and (luckily my meeting was at home) people arrived while I was in a total daydream.

After that there was some excitement which I still haven't processed. I will try to unfuddle my poor old brain and hopefully get something done. After that I might feel I can share what happened.

21 May
How's your Thursday going lovely people?

I seem to have crashed, which is unexpected but maybe that's because of the unusual excitement yesterday? I think I woke up very early and didn't get back to sleep. I've put some washing out on the line and that might be all I've got in me for today (apart from maybe a snooze).

I have a big weekend with friends ahead and it will be lovely but I'm not at all ready.

22 May
How's it going with you today?

I was up early and got ready in time for our trip without too much stress. Had to adjust to a change of plan with very little notice. Not sure what the event is we're going to but it's something art or craft related.

Maybe I can just snooze for the rest of the journey?

26 May
Hello everybody, how are you doing today?

We've been out and got back home before the heat became too distressing. Things needed collecting from a few places and we popped into a nearby Lidl.

I am still feeling dreadfully lifeless and panicking that it will never end.

27 May
Hope your Wednesday is going OK.

I am a bit cooler but still feeling pretty rubbish.

I have a phone call booked with a GP for tomorrow morning. So getting a call at 11am today from a different GP (who I've had a bad experience with) made me really annoyed. I stayed calm and polite though.

I was determined to get him to do something helpful, so I asked about an issue still not resolved from my last appointment. I think he tried to imply I should have known I have to speak to the same doctor as before. In that case why do they refuse to give me the same doctor? That's kind of why I have a problem with him. He makes feeble excuses for not wanting to listen to womens' stuff.

He did give me an in person appointment to see the same one as last time, which I'm not sure if I'll keep, because she completely ignored my concerns about pain with the biopsy I had.

28 May
Morning, how's it going? I hope you're coping with the weather.

I'm not too hot at this moment, but it does creep up on me when I think I'm OK. Which is what happened yesterday. My mood was low to start with and I'd hardly picked myself up when I started to feel like I couldn't manage things I needed to do. After several hours of doing nothing very much I put some washing in the machine and fell asleep. Not good.

Today I've got washing done a lot sooner and hopefully this post will be finished before mid day, so fingers crossed I'm doing a little better.
Trying really hard to find something creative I can get stuck into after I hang the washing rather than sliding into a hole.

29 May
Hope Friday is a good day for you all. What's happening for you?

I have prescriptions to collect. The ordering has been stressful again. We also have 16 bags of flour to buy (not for me).

30 May
Morning everyone, how are you doing?

Just realised I'm out before coffee (did have tea and breakfast). It's unusual for me to have my own ideas so that's refreshing and fun. Very lucky that my husband can drive me while he does his own thing.

I'm so out of practice with meeting new people, I find myself over thinking the reasons for that. There's so much to process. I'll just leave that for later and try to have a nice day 😊

31 May
Morning everyone, is Sunday being kind to you?

I got up too early (which is very unusual for me - I misread my watch). I went back to bed and snoozed a little bit.

Husband has gone out on his motorbike. I went outside to see him off and the temperature felt very comfortable for a change yay!

Been failing for a week or so to do my (supposedly daily) creative activity and I am concerned I must not keep getting distracted. I have been researching sashiko, though, so was still thinking about it. Decided to start with a kit which I hope to receive in a couple of weeks.

1 June
Morning all, please avoid Monday if at all possible. It is not what anyone needs. And I don't approve of a new month and the summer creeping up on me either.

I think I might be having some PEM after being a bit active on Friday and going out and enjoying myself on Saturday. I was very tired yesterday, then by the evening I was suddenly dropping right off to sleep in a couple of seconds.

I have somebody here working on the garden right now (which is a bit out of control) and husband has gone back to the auction house with some more items I want to find good homes for. They were treasured by various family members no longer living, but not overly interesting, so I can't find anyone to gift it to. I feel it's worthy of a sale where it could appeal to collectors.

3 June
My brain is hiding in the fog today. I sometimes get very foggy if I sleep a bit late. I stayed in bed an extra half hour but didn't sleep. Maybe that was it?
Our visitor has gone. I've been filling in a form relating to a financial thing. Very confusing.
I am getting concerned about myself.
Apologies if I'm not making much sense.

What's been happening with everyone else?

4 June
Morning everyone. How's your Thursday going? What's happening with you?

Until that hot spell, I'd been doing pretty well. My therapy with the psychologist was actually making a difference, but I think the heat has set me back again. There's been an extended gap between my sessions, because of the bank holiday, which has left me a bit lacking. I'm sure it can be remedied, but I am concerned that I can't realistically expect to always have that support.

I had just been starting to feel that finally I'd found something that was working for me. Now I'm really down and can't pull myself back up. Next appointment is Monday.

Husband is working on something with a friend today. It is taking a lot of effort. That means I can do my own thing, which is good, except my own thing feels like a pointless shambles.

We have plans to meet someone for dinner at the same time as delivering stuff to them that had been adding to the clutter in my loft. Determined to go ahead with it, but I'm so exhausted I can't feel enthusiastic about very much. I will have to make myself look a bit presentable too.

5 June
Hope everybody is having a reasonable Friday! Dare I put some washing out to dry or will it rain, do you think?

The dinner was OK last night, but involved people who spoke about where I used to work and it stirred up some of the associated nightmarish feelings.

I am trying to limit my activity today because of an early start tomorrow (and possible running around both Saturday and Sunday). Husband and friend are having their first attempt at being street food vendors at a local food fair.

If it goes well, it may become their retirement plan. This is what the 16 bags of flour was for. They are making fresh warm Stroopwafel and call themselves Dutch Uncles. It looks rather terrifying to me, with very sharp knives and precise techniques. Then there's putting themselves out in public. I'm finding it very stressful without even having to do any of it.

7 June
How are you all getting on? Is today vaguely OK?

I should be having a quiet, peaceful day, but I think I've passed the point where that is possible for me. I've promised to do some kitchen tasks, I have to clean my CPAP machine, I have to prepare for tomorrow's GP and psych appointments (which might be a nightmare itsel). I never have time to just chill - please don't point out that I'm not prioritising well enough.

Yesterday was reasonably successful for Dutch Uncles considering it was a first attempt in a lot of rain. Today will probably be better.

@autoperipatetikos

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On account.