It's been nearly 6 months since our awakening. It's like I had never truly been able to observe myself before that. I'd had glimpses of this view of myself, but now it feels like I am the narrator of my own life.

A new relationship wasn't going how I hoped. Or, at least, I observed that there was something missing. I wanted a closer friendship with them than I was feeling. I had started trying to figure out if they wanted friendship, or just sex.

When they unexpectedly out the brakes on the sexual part of our relationship and asked for friendship, I was a bit surprised. My initial reaction was even more surprising, though.

I had a whole menu of explanations for what was behind this change. The old me would have spun for a long time, to figure out why and how I wasn't enough. And let me tell you, the idea that I'm not man enough in bed had lots of details to grasp onto, that could have reaffirmed this nightmare.

Instead, I chose the option that they meant what they'd said. And accepted the offer of friendship. I want a sexual relationship with them and my imagination tells me that the sex part is a future possibility. We had a great friend date last week, and they're sharing music, including their unpublished podcast. It's obvious I wasn't being blown off, and that The Universe is giving me exactly what I want.

So now, I'm sitting here, feeling happy that I got my way, that there is a friendship bond with them. And here come all of these thoughts floating through my mind - giving me messages that I'm not really wanted, in a thousand different ways. I could choose any of them. I could deeply hurt my own feelings, if that's what I wanted to do.

I let them float through, without grabbing any of them. If I give those thoughts attention, my imagination has the power to make them come true.

Even as I narrate my experience inside of my head, I feel those negative vibes floating by, and I want nothing to do with them. They can make me feel... But they make me feel bad, and I have zero desire for that. Not anymore.

When I focus on the friendship, it feels good inside. Not just good, but whole. All of me is happy here. Excited, curious, and feeling happy with possibilities ahead of us. Right now, in this place, I am able to see that there are endless possibilities for how this relationship might grow, and a sexual relationship might be part of that. It's not often that I get to develop a close friendship deliberately. At least, I've always just stumbled onto my closest friendships.

So, here's The Universe gifting me exactly what I asked for, and I have a responsibility to myself. I will accept this gift from The Universe, of friendship with someone I care for. I won't be indulging the nightmares, and instead I will indulge my dreams.

It's always a choice. And hey, if it doesn't work out, I still have a giant vat of those feelings I could decide to stew in. My decision is to marinate in the good feelings. I know there's not a reason to feel bad, and that I'm not being rejected.

Each time these feelings surface, I recognize them for the old, reactive me trying to figure out what to expect. And having expectations of a develop relationship is a ridiculous endeavor to take up. My imagination hadn't predicted this outcome. Which means this relationship is meant to be experienced, and I get to FAFO. We already Fucked Around, and now we get to Find Out. (And hope for more fucking around, later.)

When I use my imagination to think about the future of this relationship, there are endless possibilities that feel wonderful inside of me.

My choice is to follow my dreams and thank The Universe for showing me the path to attain them. Before our awakening 6 months ago, I didn't have this Power of Observation, and fuqing hell am I ever grateful for that gift now!

🙏🥰✌️