Dinnertime #TOTP
The Eurythmics, melts.
Jordan Knight, didn't LFO warn us about him a few weeks ago?
Charlatans. Washing-up break.
Ann Lee, about as complex as "what do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?"
Net Aid, nebulously highlighted the Millennium Development Goals by getting pop stars to perform in Noo Joysey, Wembley, and Geneva. And it was all streamed over the internet in potato-vision! Ronan Keating in 56k dial-up gory!
"Just like Fred Astaire" - James promoting BBC4's season of classic dance movies every sunday night.
Wait, they didn't play a new B*Witched hit? Hopeless!
"Genie in a bottle" - Christina Aguilera. Even from this first single, she came across as raunchier than squeaky-clean Britney. This wasn't difficult, my washing up is not as squeaky-clean as Britney.
This edition of #TOTP comes from the week when Richard Lowe was the new editor of Smash Hits magazine, Craig Logan left Bros, and Holly Johnson had the number one album.
The world's most foul substance was developed by an American company. "Vilex" will prevent animals and children from eating things they should not. The chemical, denatonium saccharide, tasted even worse than the previous record holder, cold school custard.
Hosts are Andy Crane, genius; and debutante Jenny Powell.
"Bring me Edelweiss" - Edelweiss
Record Mirror said, "This idiotic gem should be at the top of the pop charts within days, chucking Abba, In Deep and scratching into a stew packed with E numbers."
Everything happens in these three minutes: yodelling, cowbells, lederhosen-slapping, chants, milkmaids dancing in low-cut dresses, and the titular flowers.
Song of the still-young night, surely?!
Back to something vaguely sane, and an Old Simon Mayo Record of the Week.
"Beds are burning" - Midnight Oil
The singer is in the outback, wears a big hat to keep the sun off; the rest of the band are performing in the back of a jeep while it's driving at a frightning pace. The song pulls no punches in its pursuit of justice for the Aboriginal people.
Lead singer Peter Garrett would become an MP and cabinet minister down under.
"Electric youth" - Debbie Gibson
A very energetic dance routine with a couple of male backing dancers, all wearing some very fashionable waistcoats, and they make very effective use of the small stage available.
Young Debs sings about how the future is about her generation.
Her generation - mine as well - are coming just as soon as boomers move over.
Go on, boomers, take your hands off the levers of power. Now is good.
"I'll be there for you" - Bon Jovi
No one told us rock and roll would ever be this dull.
A hairy band live life on tour, and clichés to the full.
They sing a turgid song with obvious plain rhymes,
and focus in upon the singer's swoonsomiest eyes.
"I'll be there for you", at the end of each line.
"These five words I swear to you", it's the laziest rhyme.
"I'll be there for you", just a waste of our time. [guitar riff here]
Another former Simon Mayo Record of the Week.
"The look" - Roxette
Per and Marie blast onto our screens with a clanging guitar riff, and own the stage already. Per has his hair in the short spikes of the time, Marie never bothered to change her hairstyle.
The camera plays tightly between the singers, Marie wigs out during the guitar break, and Roxette have arrived!
"Hand on your heart" - Kylie Minogue
Four gentleman dancers! A sparkly purple bra beneath a thin red shirt tied to show off her midriff! Truly, Kylie is prepared to flash a little bit of raunch.
But just a little bit: the lead single from her second album is still girl-next-door stuff, relatively innocent, a little bit girl power.
Love the structure of the song: verse-bridge-verse-bridge-chorus, we're waiting a long time for the catharsis of the chorus.
Recommended: "A Journey through Stock Aitken and Waterman", two Aussie queers look back at S/A/W's hits, misses, and snubs.
Episode 47 covers "Hand on your heart".
"Why do i always get it wrong?" - Live Report
"I would soon regret my momentary weakness," goes the lyric to this slow, plodding, synth-driven tune. Sweeties, if you want to win the Eurovision, you've gotta do better than this.
The record-buying public have this at number 147 this week. Great for snooker, rubbish for records.
The #TOTP producer holds this in such high regard that they fade it out with about 30 seconds to go. Wouldn't do that to Boy George, would ya!
In spite of being utter shite, the BBC finished second with "Why do i always get it wrong", behind "Rock me", the entry from TVZ (Croatia, representing JRT (Yugoslavia)).
"Eternal flame" - The Bangles
Lovely song, prayerful meditation, breathe and relax.
Number one in spite of being this week's second biggest-selling single. 11,000 copies of Kylie's song were not counted towards the chart, because they were cassette singles that only contain the 7-inch version of the single, and rules only allowed cassette singles that duplicate the 12-inch. The Bangles' lead was 1650 sales.
The producer was listening to Mastodon posters from the future, and closes with
"I'm every woman" - Chaka Khan
The single has had a slight remix, though not one we can detect easily. The video has also been lightly remixed, by inserting some bits from "I feel for you". Most rum.
Our first Mystery Year was 1989. More in a mo!
Our second Mystery Year saw Ian MacDonald become an unlikely star, he was the MoD's spokesman delivering grave news with precise and emotion-free enunciation.
Queues developed outside the first automated lavvy in Leicester Square, where it cost 10p to spend a penny.
"Mastermind Champions" was won by David Hunt, and BBC1 marked May Day with (er) "Bugs Bunny Hallowe'en Special".
Host for this live #TOTP is Sir Simon Bates (waves at Mariaje).
Sir Simon talks to Kevin Keegan, apparently his back is well. Frank Gray is also on the podium, but nobody talks to him.
"Mama used to say" - Junior
A very fine slice of pop. Sounds like Linx, looks like David Grant, it's almost as if they've been working together.
And this is his debut? Could see a lot more of this lad.
"The meaning of love" - Depeche Mode
Vince Clarke has left the group, there's a battery-powered bunny playing the drums, and Dave Gahan is duetting with ... himself!
As much as ver Mode's appeal is a mystery to me, gotta concede that this song is certainly worth a listen.
"England, we'll fly the flag" - England football squad
A dirge-like chant, wrapping sportsball up in the most unfortunate sort of nationalism. Don't they know there's a war on?
As well as the politics, this record fails on an artistic level. The chorus is British Airways' advertising jingle crammed in as many times as humanly possible, and then a little more.
As much as i hate to disagree with Sir Simon, this is abysmal. Can we have Live Report back?
"I won't let you down" - PhD
Somehow manages to be an absolute epic and insufferably weedy at the same time. The instrumental fanfare is a climax, but the build-up leaves me stone cold.
Back at the start of the song, we saw a couple of smartly-dressed men. One of them is HRH Bill Cotton, the deputy managing director of television. Guess he's here for the next act...
Ooh, Sir Simon's been at the Ribena again, only explanation for the purple shade.
"Fantasy island" - Tight Fit
Rejected by the TROS voters as their Song for Harrogate, because the Dutch didn't want to be Millionaires.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Xd1fwpEcKA
The three performers here gyrate in a way that we really wouldn't expect for 7.37 on a thursday evening, someone ought to ask channel controller HRH Bill Cotton to check they can broadcast this.
"Tottenham, Tottenham" - Tottenham Hotspur FC
At this point in history, it was common for football teams to make a single to "celebrate" their appearance in the Thefa Cup final, back when this was the high point of the season and not just another staging point towards the Intertoto Cup.
None of these singles were any good. None of them. Spurs made three with Chas & Dave, each worse than the last.
Some would argue that this #TOTP appearance broke the Darts' record of squeezing 11 musicians onto the main stage.
Others of us note that the mark was set by 11 musicians, and there are two musicians in Chas & Dave and the Tottenham Football Squad.
"Forget me nots" - Patrice Rushen
Patrice is on the small circular stage, surrounded by the #TOTP Cheerleaders. Patrice has a white outfit with glitterfalls in her hair. She exudes confidence: she's done this routine so many times that she doesn't have to think.
Absolute classic, and performance of the episode.
"We have a dream" - Scottish World Cup Squad
So did Gordon Brittas, and he wasn't as badly-scripted as this tosh.
John Gordon Sinclair is the "poet" who even the Vogons despise, and the bagpipe break about three hours into the track comes as a merciful release.
Joan Jett's in to record "I love rock 'n' roll", which BBC4 viewers don't see for editorial reasons.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3euirWIDR8
"Ebony and ivory" - Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder
Aaaaaaaaaargh! Can we have the "singing" footballers again?
Bill Cotton is not the most important person in the studio tonight. Now Sir Simon Bates is joined by HRH Sir Lord Paul Fab Macca Whacky Thumbs Aloft!!! McCartney of Kintyre! And Lady Linda!!
"Really saying something" - Bananarama and Fun Boy Three
They made a perfectly decent showing, and it got completely lost in the crowd shuffle. Someone spoke last week about Bananarama being a bit shambolic, and *this* is why we love them.
We did it, #TOTP folks. We survived the Worst Episode Ever.
Our second Mystery Year was 1982.
Whitney Houston night next.
BBC2 tomorrow has Simply Red night. Could be worse, could be Football "Songs" at the BBC.
Something better from the archives next week. Whatever you're doing this week, have a great one!
Our group declare to be true
Dan Hatton
Simon Cozens