The local electronics store had a wireless rainbow internet controllable 10 feet of LEDs product on sale for $15. I'm going to buy one and maybe I can detach the LED strip and replace the controller with something I can program
Update: my plans to put an #ESP32 in there were foiled by... it already having an ESP8685 (an ESP32 variant) in there! But after a few hours of poking at it with esptool, I keep getting the error "Wrong boot mode detected (0x01)." 0x01 means the pins should be in the right configuration to let me reprogram it, but I suspect the manufacturer set an internal fuse to disable reprogramming it. Shame.

Let me go ahead and replace this with an ESP32 chip I can control...

Looks like there are only two pins that are important: an input to the button on the reverse side and an output to the LEDs. There are other pins broken out to a programming header, but I don't care about wiring them up because the seeed xiao has an USB port for programming already.

The LED strip with its brains replaced works! Turns out the protocol just WS2811 so the example code worked first try! After installing ESPHome, now I have LEDs I can control from my phone. I love the future