I'm on a slightly higher dose of Concerta now, & it does seem to be helping with my problem where I get nothing done at work. So that's probably good.
It's not a huge change but I certainly felt it wear off more dramatically last night. Which isn't all bad. It's just a little weird to have a point in the evening where your brain suddenly switches what it even means to focus on something.
Suddenly last night I had several trains of thought going instead of one.
It's so funny because I worry about asking for higher dose ADHD meds because I could be perceived as "drug seeking", but after literally 8 years or something of seeing the same psychiatrist & usually agreeing during my check-ups "yeah, no reason to change the meds" (because for long stretches of time there isn't any reason), I doubt my psychiatrist is going to perceive me that way.
It sucks though that one of my meds is a controlled substance where people might think that you want it too much.
In any case, I think this med change is going to work for me for now.
I sometimes have mixed feelings about medicating ADHD, but at least it's a medication that you can choose *not* to take on any given day if you might feel inhibited from your natural self.
I frequently skip it on the weekends for that reason, but I'll probably take it tomorrow because my spouse & I want to work on the house & yard, so better energy & focus will result in a much better day for me.
I think my mixed feelings about stimulant meds for ADHD can basically be summarized thus:
- it sucks that I have to take medication that alters how my brain functions so that I can survive in a capitalist hellscape that is ableist by design
- it is awesome that I can take medication that enables me to accomplish things & participate in more activities
I hate it when I see people fully discourage others from even considering psychiatric meds because my meds have given me so much more stability than I would otherwise have.
I should have gotten medical intervention for my mental health LONG before I did (I didn't start antidepressants until I was hospitalized for being suicidal).
But you can't ignore the massive harm that psychiatry as an industry/institution has done/continues to do to the most vulnerable people. What to even say?
The history of psychiatry is so fucking gnarly. Uglier than even a lot of other colonialist institutions.
And it would be absurd to pretend all of that is in the PAST. Oh no, no, no. They do horrible things to the MOST vulnerable people there are.
So yeah, I can get the help that I need, & I deeply appreciate both my psychiatrist & my therapist, but I still remain very wary because accessing mental healthcare can be downright *dangerous*.
I was voluntarily hospitalized for my depression, & it was life-saving/-changing, but even by voluntarily admitting myself I lost a lot of control/dignity for that week of my life. I mean, I was fucking LOCKED IN THERE. I didn't even have shoes...just hospital socks.
So, yeah, you can imagine how bad that can go when someone is given NO choice in the matter.
On balance, medication should mean better function in all areas of one's life, not just "work", when it's right.
Psych likes to gobble up all patient agency in an attempt to "keep people on their meds", but just like other chronic illnesses the path forward is to use spoons you do not have to become educated enough to medicate with their *advice*, not their *permission*
"Train your doctors" is the key lesson I've learned after 20 years of treating chronic illness 😂
Of all the reasons to eliminate the state, the US healthcare system stands front and center. Fuck all these people.
Artemis
ineffective altruist
Sean
John
Fluffy Kitty Cat
Daniel Lakeland