There's no value in digging up the bones that could be cobbled together into a skeleton resembling a representation of my mental issues, but suffice it to say that a simple "we need to tighten up the graphics on level 3" comment on a merge request would have me looking longingly at the lucky bullet on my window sill.

For the record I fully and freely acknowledge that this is a personal problem. Nobody is responsible for my mental state except me, and as such I don't make it anyone else's problem. The gatekeeping and protectionism in specific projects is a good thing. The bigger picture, the project itself, is more important than anyone's ego. Most reasonable people would agree.

Anyway, it isn't for lack of knowledge or skill. I know what I'm talking about, and i know that I know it. I just can't ever bear the burden of convincing anyone else. I don't blame anyone, not even me. I am what I am, and it isn't compatible with collaborative efforts. I know so many things, about so many things, but I don't know when to say them. I don't want to say them. If I cause someone else to feel the way that I feel, I couldn't ever forgive myself. So, I end up not saying... anything.