Back when I hung out on the polyamory subreddit, it felt like nearly 1/3 of the posts were people saying "I'm new to poly but my partner wants me to open the relationship. Am I horrible & closed-minded for not wanting to do that?"
The thing I appreciated is that the community would rush in to be like "oh, baby, no! Do not be pressured into this. It sounds like you're being guilted into something you're not comfortable with & makes you unhappy."
But that's what kind of sucks about poly: you have to defend your community from abusive people who use the idea of being "open-minded" to control the people in their lives.
You have to look out for people who are NOT having their consent, boundaries, needs, & wishes respected & let them know when something doesn't seem right. Otherwise some asshole will point at your happy, consensual relationships to try to convince someone they are a bad person for wanting a relationship that suits them.
Spouse knew I was non-monogamous & initially told me he wasn't interested in it, to which I said "That's fine. I wanna be with you."
His concern was based on baggage from a past relationship where he was taken advantage of under the guise of "polyamory". Once our relationship was firmly established, it was clear to us both that monogamy just doesn't really sit with how we approach relationships. We just feel like it's perfectly normal for people to have multiple sexual/romantic connections.
So that's cool & fun, & it fits with my view of life in general, which is that we should not live our lives or build our relationships based on someone else's rules.
It's still obeying someone else's rules if you're being told that you have to be ok with your partner having multiple sexual/romantic partners. If that ISN'T how you want to live your life, then something which is freeing for me (non-monogamy) could become a prison for you. That's not right.
Don't slut shame & don't go around telling people that all polyamorous/non-monogamous relationships are dysfunctional or coercive.
That shit's really hurtful & not fucking true.
BUT
You choose what your relationships look like.
Sometimes that will mean not being compatible with someone if you want different things, but it's better to leave a relationship because of your boundaries & preferences than to live in a situation where your consent is effectively ignored.
The core of my relationships is not non-monogamy: it is consent.
I think non-monogamy makes a lot of sense when you are sex-positive & have no interest in living a traditional life, but it should never be mandatory.
The whole goddamn point is that we all get to decide for ourselves what is good for us AND we are all responsible to look out for the people we are with to make sure it's good for them too.
Artemis
Silly Fae Squiggles