ransomware except it turns on 2fa for you and doesnt give you the recovery email or codes til you pay

ransomware except it ioncube encrypts your wordpress blog and posts nothing but the most cringe, embarrasing memes from 9gag every hour til you pay

ransomware except it signs you up to every mailing list for every vendor at rsa with your personal mobile phone and resubscribes you every 24 hours using mail aliases til you pay

ransomware except it uses hacked openclaw instances and stolen elevenlabs api keys to text-to-speech all new posts on moltbook.com/m/blesstheirhearts, then call you in random intervals 1-15 mins and read them to you aloud on every platform, starting with discord, then signal, then teams then eventually going to mobile phone. then hires bike messenger types to come ring your doorbell and read them to you in person telegram style

ransomware except it just leaks the mailspools of the c suite instead of encrypting anything

ransomware except it creates an ooo responder in o365 that has a btc address in it, a link to a nonexistent onlyfans page and a footer with a lobster emoji and text that says 'sent from my openclaw'

ransomware except it targets twitter users and posts as them advertising cryptoscams, feet pics and starts flamewars with super angry political nutbags

ransomware except it does the super 2005 era shit like rotating your windows display, or changing the keyboard layout to dvorak and occasionally displaying a qr code to a btc wallet til you pay. and it pushes that shit to the c-suite and board members first

ransomware except it just reinstalls copilot back into notepad

ransomware except it just changes all the creds to all your switches, routers and firewalls

ransomware except the only thing it encrypts is that absolutely gargantuan landfill fileshare you have where everyone puts their shit and theres no permissions model and everyone can see everything, so its the companies giant junk drawer

@Viss Landfill file share. I'll have to keep that turn of phase in mind.