Zumbador1d ago

(kind of a sub-toot, but in the context of my family drama rather than my mastodon drama)

If you have a someone who is about to die, there's no such thing as "too early" when it comes to planning for their death.

Invite the people who want to say goodbye early rather than late. If the person lives longer than you expected, all good, and they might get a chance to say goodbye twice. Don't wait till the person who is leaving has drifted so far away that you've lost that chance for connection.

Don't prevent people from talking about death and dying if that's what they need. People have the right to opt out but it's disrespectful to shut down that conversation for other people.

There is nothing wrong or weird about planning the funeral and memorial service while the person is still alive. The shock of grief does weird things to families and friends, and ideally you shouldn't be wrestling with funeral logistics while in that state.

#dying #TerminalIllness

Show threadZumbador

When collaborating with people who are conflict-averse, people pleasers, hypervigilant or are otherwise fragile, watch out for this pattern:

They will avoid making decisions, but might still have strong opinions about those decisions. While this is an attempt on their part of avoid conflict, it means conflict is inevitable as it breeds misunderstanding and resentment.

It can look like this: instead of coming out and saying "I think this should be done this way" the person will say "I think this should be done" (often with a lot of softening language) but crucially, they will leave out specific details like who should do the thing, and what the deadline is etc.

If you notice that happening, pick up that thread and pull it. Make a suggestion "I think x person should do it by y time" or ask a question "can x person do it?" Leaving it hanging is a recipe for eventual conflict. It might feel uncomfortable, but the alternative worse.

#ActuallyAutistic

Mar 25 at 2:49pmWeb
Show threadZumbador1d ago

Another thing to watch out for when collaborating with people who are conflict averse:

They struggle to tell you explicitly what they need.

They will still communicate what they need, but it will be hidden. "This should be done because it's better for this other person" or "This should be done because it's the cheapest way" or whatever.

But what they actually want to say (and deserve to say) is "because that's what I want" or "because that's what I need".

The stated reason often won't make much sense because it isn't the REAL reason. Instead of picking away at this senseless reason and arguing against it, look for the hidden "because that's what I want" and make sure that you are creating a space where people feel safe to say that. Keep in mind that *trying to imagine* what the other person wants often fails, because they have different goals and needs from you. Imagination and empathy isn't a substitute for communication.

#ActuallyAutistic

Show threadRobert Thinks You’re Great1d ago

@Zumbador This is me. I am horribly conflict-averse. And it usually ends by me reaching a breaking point and looking unreasonable. Or I’ll just remove myself from the discussion entirely.

#ActuallyAutistic

Show threadZumbador1d ago
@robertsmelser Me too. But I'm fighting my natural state now as much as I can!