Aurin (ki, ki, kis)4d ago

A characteristic of abuse that I want to see more emphasised is the abuser's feeling of being entitled to dish out consequences (punishment) to others.

I say this because sometimes lists of red flags or abuser characteristics or descriptions of abusive personality traits either leave it out or throw it in as a side sentence, easily overlooked.

But that's where the line of abuse is!

Being triggered by someone wearing a green shirt? Not abusive!
Yelling at someone for wearing a green shirt? Overstepping and can be part of a pattern of abuse!

Believing that God put you on earth to teach heathens the gospel of bruschetta brunch? Not abusive!
Taking people's phones away until they learn and recite your favourite bruschetta recipe? Abusive!

Or, for a less absurd example:

Being triggered when your child doesn't obey because you have trauma around that and your nervous system turns on the alarm sirens? Not abusive!
Making your child feel guilty for not obeying or for triggering you? Abusive!

🧵

#abuse #AbuseCulture #RedFags #entitlement #MentalHealth #MentaIlness

Show thread Aurin (ki, ki, kis)4d ago

Being mentally ill, triggered, unstable, insecure, angry, hateful etc, does not make someone abusive. Abuse is when they make it someone else's problem - someone who didn't cause the actual problem and who often can't do anything about it.

When they punish their spouse, kids, employees etc for not shielding them from the bad feelings. When they don't bother making a distinction between their own issues getting triggered by other people just living their lives, versus being attacked and justified in "defending" themselves.

Edit: Plus, many abusers aren't actually triggered or struggling, they are just assholes. They may or may not use their fragility, struggles or mental illness (real, exaggerated or made up) as excuses.

Show thread Aurin (ki, ki, kis)4d ago

A big red flag is when they punish their victim further for trying to actually fix the actual cause of the problem. Like as a child, when I tried to actually fix family problems in my inofficial role as family therapist, instead of just being an emotional dumpster.

It's common for abusers to complain about a problem, or use it as an excuse for destructive behaviour (like spending money their victim can't spare), but then get mad or offended when you come up with a sensible solution or preventative action. Because they don't want the destructive behaviour to stop, they want you to suck it up and deal with the consequences so that they don't have to.

Show thread Aurin (ki, ki, kis)

Although, about the topic of being triggered and making it the problem of whoever triggered you: I have to add that actual harm is also a trigger.

So for example, someone enacting racism is triggering to people targeted by it. Those kinds of situations are where it is of course appropriate to try and make the "triggerer" stop the triggering thing and give them consequences for their actions.

Or, in other words, just because someone is triggered doesn't mean their reaction is irrational.

Mar 25 at 2:44pmWeb
Show thread Aurin (ki, ki, kis)4d ago

And also?

Many of these situations are kinda low stakes individually. It is ok to mess up. It is human to get triggered or be spiralling with your mental health and maybe lash out at someone. That is not abuse.

Abuse is a pattern. Abuse is exploiting power imbalances or creating them on purpose. Abuse is refusing to take responsibility even after you've calmed down. Abuse is when you double down.

Whereas most people will make mistakes and be able to apologise later, make up for it, accept help and genuinely try to prevent similar conflicts or harm in the future.

Show thread Aurin (ki, ki, kis)4d ago

As always, trust your instincts. If you feel that someone is crossing or blurring lines with you or is making your life smaller and smaller or is intimidating you or controlling you or taking way more than their fair share or sabotaging your freedom and happiness?

Trust your gut!

Be safe, get away temporarily if you can, get to a place where you can rest and eat and sleep and recover for a few days or weeks if possible. Then with a fresher mind and some distance, evaluate the relationship (or group, etc) and go from there. Get help, do research, do what you gotta do to take care of yourself and those who rely on you.