TheOrcWhoWritesWhat are some tips to level up your social life?
Schwim DandyPerhaps stow away the things you use to ensure isolation. In my case, I wear earbuds everywhere and hum the song so those around me know I can’t hear them, ensuring no attempt at interaction will be made. I never look directly at them so they can’t wave me down or try to get my attention.
Reading this, it seems I gave a masterclass in the exact opposite of what you’re asking but it might make something click for you.
Thanks.
LibertyLizardJoin clubs.
lowspeedchaseLearning by doing - stop thinking about it and jump in the pool. I can list every boxing technique or give you a book on enterprise patterns for software development, you’re not going to read something and be good at it.
justdaveisfineTo ask a dumb question, where do you feel you’re struggling when it comes to talking to random people?
Is it striking up a conversation, maintaining a conversation, or just generally trying to be more approachable?
Being more approachable seems like the problem I am having.
AskewLordDont be afraid of silence. Very cool people will allow an silent pause and not feel the need to say anything. Awkward people get anxious about the silence and become visibly uncomfortable.
It’s cool, just eat a couple bites and take a sip, nothing wrong with not saying anything if nothing comes to mind that moment.
etherphonThe problem is I’m cool with total silence all the time and not many people are into that, people seem to like to talk.
Ha me too, and yes people like to talk so they like people who listen 😀
There is of course skill to listening and giving follow up questions, but i think the key is to he comfortable.
If you’re stressed as introvert thiking "how many people are around, i wonder anybody is looking at me, this girl is cute i wonder if she wants to hook up, and does she want to hook up with me? Oh no she knows now I’m nervous am i biting my lip again? . . . "
Then yeah it’s gonna be hard to listen and ask followup questions, but if you can relax a little it’s not too hard.
One thing for me is i am mortified at the thought of asking a personal question and getting pushback. But if you listen to someone and they say “so i had to go the doctor this morning?” Ask them “oh what did you go to the doctor for?”. They’ll usually tell you, "well my knee has been hurting and then they said . . . " If it’s something really personal they don’t want to talk about they’ll usually say “well it’s a bit oersonal but long story short . . .”
Important thing to remember is that if anyone is chatting with you in the first place, they want you to like them, and if you listen and act engaged that’s even better. People aren’t looking for ways to shit on you like it’s high school all over again, and if they do, you just walk away you don’t have to see them in school tomorrow if they were in any way unpleasant to you.
Thank you this is helpful.
starlingukCan you sing? Join a choir. Can you play an instrument? Join a band.
Book club? Boardgame club? ALL THE CLUBS.
Ask for advice or help. Then the hard part, be a good listener. Instant friend.
Don’t talk “random people in public places” — head out into the world, and and engage with the world. There will be some people in those places, and some of them might seem cool or interesting, so say hello — or do something nice for someone. If they appreciate what you said or did, they might continue to engage further. Over the course of days or months, you’ll be talking with friends in public.
The point being the goal isn’t to corner a random person like a dating match. Be organic and open, and in time you’ll end up where you wanted to be.
Organic and open seems like the key, here. Thank you for this. This is practical. I like it.
You can absolutely talk to absolute strangers.
There are two ways on how to not be a creep:
At any point you must be attentive and if they are uncomfortable immediately stop engaging.
But this is a bad way to make a friend. Those are the people you should expect to never see them again. This is just a way to make someone’s day better. This is never meany to be anything more than a casual conversation with a stranger.
I mean grain of salt because I don’t have much of one but kinda old and married. Just go do stuff. Like my library has all sorts of programs and if I would easily go to them over watching something or playing a video game if I had the time. I do go to protests and meet people also “concerned” over whats going on in the country. I don’t have the cash for cons right now but can always ghost (go to the location and hang out with folks in the common sorta public areas of the hotel).
My trick is being open, interesting, and excited. Everyone has something to say and I love being someone to hear it. Couple that with my refusal to acknowledge the social feaux pas of Turing pleasantry into conversation and the fact that I look and dress like a cartoon and it’s hard not to make friends everywhere you go.
Legitimately, the biggest thing that helped me was to join an RPG group. For me it was D&D. It made just talking to random people way easier, and I made a ton of friends throughout the years. Granted, I play exclusively online and join random games now and again, so I always have a new batch of people to talk to.
Otherwise, ask questions. Not boring, “how’s the weather” / “how are you” questions. But questions like “do you have any pets” or “do you have a favorite place/restaurant/hike/bookstore in the area”. Personal ish questions. People like to talk about their favorites or their things or their pets.
Also, mirroring questions. If someone asks you about your pets, asking them back is a good way to keep a conversation flowing, so I’ve found.
Is it unnatural to say hi and then ask “do you have any pets?”. Or am I overthinking it?
Unnatural, no.
Practice with old people.
People fifty plus grew up talking to strangers for entertainment.
The drive by flirt. If you see a pretty girl walking towards you, smile and compliment her clothing. “Great shoes’ and keep on walking. Don’t look back.
On on that note, everybody loves compliments. “Great T-shirt” will make anyone’s day.
Team shirts are are good way to get people to talk to you, especially if you live in a sports crazy town.
Also, a Superman “S” shirt will get at least one comment a day.
venusaurDo what you like/love in public or group settings. When talking to people, really listen to them and take it in. Be interested in what they’re saying and who they are.
Give people grace to be imperfect. You’re not gonna meet your bestie all the time, but you might meet people that you enjoy being around to some degree. Don’t have to agree on everything. In fact, be comfortable sharing spaces with people that you don’t agree with. Engage with people from a neutral and inquisitive perspective.
Doing what you like in public/group settings helps filter out some of the people you may not get along with.
Good luck and have fun!
Thank you. This is practical I like it.
SubArcticTundraHow does one find a collective to live in?
If you’re in the US:
- search for “co-op housing rental”. Sometimes these are suburban, but other times they’re rooms in a building
- if there’s a “food co-op” near you, then check out the bulletin board. also most food co-ops have some way to join, you can ask “by the way, do you know of any housing co-ops around here?” many/most people who work at a food co-op will be happy to point you in the right direction.
Be good looking. Everything is easier when you are goodlooking.
hobataLearn how to be honestly invested into people you talk with:
- ask them meaningful questions about them.
- aks them openended questions.
- ask them subquestions.
- find a topic they are really interested and sparks a joy in their eyes. And go deeper. Try to learn.
- ask why question. “Why do you like about this the most?”
For kids I usually go with what is your favorite school subject? Why? What is the best part? Why?.. For grownups ask about their hobbies. Why do they like them? What is the best part?
This is the single most important advice. This is about them not you. And this will forms deeper connections.
Extra: Simple smile can really make a strangers day.
This is some really good advice. People can learn more about some of these ideas by searching for conversational threading.
ask them meaningful questions about them.
This is absolutely right. To add to this, find a level at which they’re comfortable talking about themselves (i.e. don’t get TOO personal right off the start). It’ Ok to start off on some trivial small-talk, then moving up to their opinion about something, then more in-depth about why they have that opinion. Keep an eye on whether they’re starting to feel uncomfortable and back off if needed.
I had a friend who was excellent at this. I’m a loner by nature but I learned a lot by watching them just talking to people. They weren’t talking to them to get anything, they just enjoyed talking to people. That’s a great attitude to have.
The thing I’ve found best to get people talking is asking intentional questions. As in, ask a question that you expect an answer for which might allow you to deepen the conversation on the topic.
For a concrete example, imagine you meet someone taking photos in public and you talk to each other. Asking a question like “so you like photography then?” Is probably gonna get an answer like “yeah sure”, unless the other person is keen to provide you more details. Instead, asking a question like “what is your favourite photo you ever took?” Or “what kind of photos do you enjoy taking most?” Helps the other person give a concrete answer with some prompt for detail. From the answer, you can then pick what is the part you find most interesting or most likely to be able to talk about and ask another question with the same mindset.
Hopefully they’ll also ask you something in return. If they don’t, you can attempt to share something voluntarily that’s on topic, but if they don’t engage at all it may just mean they don’t want to talk to you. In which case, end the interaction on your terms while it’s still positive and count it as a win.
OriginEnergySuxThe worst thing possible: small talk