levampyre

@Ferrous I watched your lecture on "Monotropism & Wellbeing" on YT today and you said something that resonated with me intensely: "We've been traumatized out of trust in the flow state." (As monotropistic adults who have experienced and frustrated over constant interruptions.) I feel that with so much pain and regret.

Ever since I became a responsible adult with dependencies I have not really allowed myself to enter a deep flow state over passionate intellectual topics. 1/ #actuallyAutistc

Mar 20 at 8:51pmWeb
Show threadlevampyre3d ago
@Ferrous I feared it would interfere too much with my responsibilities. I cannot allow me to loose myself in my inner mindfields, b/c I will either miss appointments and my kids will starve to death or become so frustrated from interruption that it would drain all my energy that my kids would suffer differently. So I have stopped to engage in it entirely. I didn't notice until I burned out and tried again as part of my recovery. I was interrupted and suffered a meltdown. 2/ #ActuallyAutistc
Show threadlevampyre3d ago

@Ferrous The pain and regret I feel is, because I remember how wonderful it was to walk those inner mindfields. How much value and energy it gave me. I miss it so much. But I don't dare to go back, because I have kids and I am a responsible adult and they do depend on me "functioning". I don't want to function anymore. I just want to be a brain in a jar, just for a while, so that I can truely relax again. I'm so exhausted. 😭

Anyways, thanks for naming the trauma! 3/3 #ActuallyAutistc

Show threadFergus Murray3d ago

Thanks for your messages @levampyre, and I'm sorry you're having to cut off that part of you.

I hope you can find some way to let in controlled amounts of flow, or something. It's very difficult to manage!

Show threadlevampyre2d ago
@Ferrous Yes, indeed. I understand now that flow states play an important role in my mental health and that life is not worth enough, if I cut them out completely. The kids are getting older, becoming more independent and able to feed themselves, even if I did not set an alarm or taking care of it. I need to learn to "ground my helicopter" more often now, allow myself rest and use the time to care for my own needs, which I have ignored for far too long.