Jules

How do I, a person who deals with being excited and anxious by getting overwhelmed, teach my kid how to deal with being excited and anxious in a different way? I have no idea.

The other parent isn't helpful (doesn't get excited and anxious in this way).

#ActuallyAutistic

Mar 18 at 10:37amWeb
Show threadQueer MamaMar 18
@quidcumque maybe by reflecting such situations with them. Telling them what went on inside of you, what you would like to be different or what you perceive as difficult or why you are totally fine with your reactions but other people are not and how you deal with these people then?
Show threadJulesMar 18
@Mama123 I think I am quite good with reflection afterwards: we usually do that! I'd love to have something to teach them to calm down *before* a big meltdown happens (because they do happen, and it's starting to affect the siblings negatively).
Show threadQueer MamaMar 18
@quidcumque ah, I understand. Well, I think it might be an awareness thing that can help in the long run. So the kid learning to notice when its getting in the direction of a meltdown. In this case you can do that for them, when you know they are starting to get anxious. And then "feel" the feelings and observe them with curiosity and eventually coming up with individual coping strategies.
So for example my K2 always got really mad (screaming, hitting, destroying things) right after school. We sort of did the above and we came up with his solution, which is: whenever he feels like that after school, he eats the rest of his snackbox. And yes, that was a simple one, so maybe not the best example.
I think that this usually takes well into adolescence for bigger issues than the one in my example. I'm sorry that I don't have a better short term solution.
Show threadJulesMar 18
@Mama123 it's good to hear that there are longer term solutions though! Hunger is a trigger here too, and we actually do the same snackbox thing!
Show threadKoos Pol 🇺🇦Mar 18
@quidcumque It entirely depends on what you want to teach your child. What does it mean to be "excited and anxious in a different way"? Why different?
This question isn't about parenting methods. This question is about what you hold valuable enough to be taught to others. And in this case I think that value is more about your own (in)capabilities. So talk about that. Talk about you. Ask you child for help.
Show threadJulesMar 18
@KoosPol I wrote "DEAL with being excited" and I did mean exactly that. You can deal by yelling and hurting your siblings, but I guess there might be other ways.
Show threadKoos Pol 🇺🇦Mar 18
@quidcumque Ah, thanks, gotcha, it got lost in translation.
Show threadJoe (TBA)Mar 18

@quidcumque I can only share what I have found works for me. It all started when I was in a terrible traffic jam. I started to panic and the claustrophobia struck and I became a total mess. For whatever reason, it came to me, that these always end, it won't last forever. I got calmer, not calm, but calmer.

Ever since then, I've reassured myself that, regardless of the situation, it will end, and I will be OK. It almost always relaxes me, sometimes completely now.

Show threadNuwagaba GiftMar 18
@quidcumque
Who then will reach your kid?
Show threadananasMar 18
@quidcumque What has been helping me recently is something I read in an article (don't have the source at hand) about emotional resiliency.
It said that participants who reported their physical state (elevated heart rate, dry mouth, etc.) rather than their emotional state (anxious, afraid, etc.) or their thoughts (I didn't finish my task, they sounded angry on the phone, etc.) returned to their baseline state much quicker.
I have been trying to consciously use this, i.e. focusing on my body rather than my mind, and it often works quite well.
Show threadRandom WeirdoMar 18
@quidcumque Stimming does help me a lot. The more I can move, the better. So, if possible, dancing, jumping, punching a bag/cushion, swaying. Vocal stims are very comforting to me. Singing, humming... And focusing on my breathing is a good thing to prevent (or postpone) a meltdown. Box breathing. Imagine my breath reaching the part of my body that feels most itchy. And lately, I have used skills (rings and spike balls). Focusing on sth that calms me (prayer).
Show threadJulesMar 18

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl good point with stimming, it helps me too. Breathing is something I can't really do on my own for myself (I need external guidance, which can be an audio tape but not my inner voice), but I do it with the kid and it does work. Bit hard to do with two other kids around 😬

(Stimming and prayer. Hmm. Maybe I really need to try this rosary thing.)

Show threadRandom WeirdoMar 18

@quidcumque Breathing: counting does not help (4 times in, hold, 6 times out, hold)? Maybe your kid can learn to do it alone, using some mental image, like "take a deep breath, focus and blow out all the many many candles on the cake"?

Oh yes, the Rosary might help focus. And you have sth to fidget with.

Show threadJulesMar 18

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl it's difficult to synchronize like that for me without external guidance. My introception is really bad.

But it's a good exercise to try to teach the kid! Maybe even combined with fidgeting of some sort.

Show threadJulesMar 18

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl and yes I guess the rosary could be something. Which is weird, because it's very much an "old woman" thing for me. But touching things with my hands and repetitive prayer does sound like I could like it.

I had difficulty calming down today and sitting and praying did help.

Show threadzahlenzauber*in Mar 19
@quidcumque @Sci_Fi_FanGirl old ladies seem to know a lot about stimming. All the knitting (my preferred method of stimming) and crocheting and now rosaries as well  .
Show threadJulesMar 19

@Zahlenzauberin you might be on to something!

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl

Show threadMelissaMar 18
@quidcumque
There is good advice in this thread! One thing I learned recently is tapping alternately for anxiety...tap fingers alternating hands, 1 tap left hand then right etc. In medical setting recently I did left right etc with toes.
Show threadJulesMar 18
@mtechman thank you, that sounds interesting!