My Deepest Trans Lesson

I recognized I was trans at the age of 15. But I spent a decade after that being "not 100% certain". I tried in that time to think my way to certainty. I had a psychologist who I thought was helping me to find certainty (but she was actually treating me for a personality disorder). Around and around I went, and I got nowhere.

Then I read a book called In Search of Eve. It was 1990, and I don't know how a copy of that book ended up in my university library in South Africa. It changed my life because it destroyed the certainty delusion. The book presented transition as a ritual that didn't simply express an identity--instead, the ritual shaped and reinforced the identity. I could think till my brains dripped out my ears and it wouldn't help. I had to DO.

It's like a seed can only find out it's a daisy by growing and flowering. Or it can sit in the seed packet forever, wondering.

And this is why I am so angry with the transphobes and their "reasonable people" enablers, throwing obstacles in the way of trans kids to grow and learn and reinforce their identities. Transition is a positive feedback loop that saves people's lives.

Disclaimer: I am autistic and struggle to interpret my internal state. Other trans people have different experiences.

#trans