SecondUniverse (she/her/they)

My Deepest Trans Lesson

I recognized I was trans at the age of 15. But I spent a decade after that being "not 100% certain". I tried in that time to think my way to certainty. I had a psychologist who I thought was helping me to find certainty (but she was actually treating me for a personality disorder). Around and around I went, and I got nowhere.

Then I read a book called In Search of Eve. It was 1990, and I don't know how a copy of that book ended up in my university library in South Africa. It changed my life because it destroyed the certainty delusion. The book presented transition as a ritual that didn't simply express an identity--instead, the ritual shaped and reinforced the identity. I could think till my brains dripped out my ears and it wouldn't help. I had to DO.

It's like a seed can only find out it's a daisy by growing and flowering. Or it can sit in the seed packet forever, wondering.

And this is why I am so angry with the transphobes and their "reasonable people" enablers, throwing obstacles in the way of trans kids to grow and learn and reinforce their identities. Transition is a positive feedback loop that saves people's lives.

Disclaimer: I am autistic and struggle to interpret my internal state. Other trans people have different experiences.

#trans

Mar 15 at 9:48pmWeb
Show threadSecondUniverse (she/her/they)Mar 15
For example, I hate those people who feel "gender questioning" kids should wait till they are older and more sure of themselves before any kind of transitioning. It is like saying "Wait until you are older before you start growing". Or "Wait until you are certain before you do the only thing that will give you self-assurance."
Show threadMoriel 🏳️‍⚧️Mar 15

@SecondUniverse

I too read In Search of Eve in 1990, but unfortunately I was living with my parents at the time and they kept pressure on me not to transition, so it took me 4 more years to make up my mind to do it.

Show threadSecondUniverse (she/her/they)Mar 15
@moriel  The first my parents heard about it was when my bottom surgery was paid for and scheduled! My mom was mentally unstable and I just kept putting the big conversation off. But mom was brilliant, distressed but totally supportive.
Show threadSecondUniverse (she/her/they)Mar 16
@moriel By the way, I started my transition in 1994 too. We're trans twins!
Show threadirne jaweMar 23
@SecondUniverse …how can a psych treat you for something without your consent/awareness? (This is not questioning you, but questioning them) gah!
Show threadSecondUniverse (she/her/they)Mar 23
@pewterbaw the diagnosis of Schizotypal Personality Disorder was wrong but not baseless. The psychologist couldn't see past my neurodivergence to the issue I actually wanted help with. The diagnosis of PSD wasn't shared with me, until after I transitioned and the psychologist could see it wasn't just another delusion. They didn't feel an obligation to be straightforward with me because they felt I was irrational and needed to be managed.