I hope John Roberts ran outside this morning in his underwear to grab the paper, realized the door had locked behind him, walked barefoot and freezing to the back door to see if that was open, realized it wasn't, froze for half an hour before his wife woke up, slipped and fell on the ice banging on the window, and spent the day groaning in bed with sciatica.

I hope John Roberts' furnace breaks today.

I hope John Roberts broke a glass and cut his finger while mixing his Manhattan tonight.

I hope John Roberts' wife notices a weird pimple on the shaft of his penis as they're about to make love tonight, tells him she has a headache, excuses herself to the bathroom, and quietly starts googling the words "syphilis" and "chancre."

I hope John Roberts' hemorrhoid flared up really badly today and even bled through his suit pants a little.

I hope John Roberts' cat threw up in his bed last night.

I hope peaceful but very loud resistance protestors disrupt John Roberts' church today.

I hope John Roberts has to get up in the middle of the night to pee because of his enlarged prostate and stubs his baby toe REALLY hard on the metal corner of his bedframe.

I hope John Roberts comes home tonight and is astounded to find, on his front porch, a completely functional time machine so he travels back to 1787 to actually meet the Framers of the U.S. Constitution except he contracts cholera and dies painfully but not from the cholera itself but rather from the 18th century physicians who apply leeches and let his blood until he becomes fatally exsanguinated. #OriginalistMedicine

I hope John Roberts goes to an exclusive party thrown by a D.C. powerbroker and accidentally picks up a roofied drink intended for a young intern and the intern gets home safely but Roberts gets completely wasted and a recently-fired WaPo photojournalist who now has to try and make a living as a freelancer gets a really embarrassing photo and it goes viral and now everyone is sure the Chief Justice is an alkie.

I hope John Roberts' pillow is too hot tonight no matter how many times he flips it looking for the cool side.

I hope John Roberts' law clerks all were sick today so he had to actually do his own legal research and he ended up wandering angrily around the Supreme Court law library stacking heavy volumes of West's case law on tables and wondering why the hell the Shephards annual, monthly, and weekly pocket parts haven't been kept up to date. #law

I hope John Roberts picks up a can of leftover Coke he finds on the counter and accidentally swallows a giant dead housefly.

I hope John Roberts is rooting for the Patriots. #SuperBowl

I hope John Roberts wants to watch "Bugonia" with Jesse Plemons and Emma Stone tonight and then realizes he doesn't subscribe to Peacock.

I hope John Roberts leaves the Supreme Court bathroom with a long strip of toilet paper stuck to his heel and all the clerks laugh at him behind his back.

I hope John Roberts is alone in his study tonight surreptitiously watching some old man-young actress porn that Clarence Thomas recommended and then his wife walks in and is visibly disgusted.

I hope John Roberts is really excited to watch the women's halfpipe finals in the Olympics today but his TV shows nothing but flickering black and white vertical lines and the warranty just expired.

I hope someone showed John Roberts Ian McKellan's performance of "The Stranger's Case speech" on Colbert and he objected loudly, "Bullshit. I took a Shakespeare class at Harvard and they never mentioned a play called 'Sir Thomas More'!" and a passing stranger responded, 'well, I attended the excellent public university U.C. Davis and they certainly taught ME that. Sorry you paid so much for a shitty education, loser," and then Justice Roberts felt confused and embarrassed. https://youtu.be/Nwd6vcfR3HI?si=UxmdNUxvUqO22inr

I hope John Roberts' wife hands him a giant heart-shaped box of candy for Valentine's Day today and he feels happy and romantic but when he opens it it contains nothing but maple creams and artificial cherry flavored wax lips.

I hope John Roberts was impotent last night on Valentine's Day and then this morning he felt more vigorous but his wife said she had a Sunday morning nail appointment and then she was away an oddly long time just for a nail appointment.

I hope John Roberts drives over a pothole on his way to work this morning and instantly a giant crack appears in his windshield.

I hope one of John Roberts' adult kids watched last night's Colbert and was shocked to learn how CBS obeyed the tyrant in advance by censoring the planned show, and so picked up the phone and said, "Dad, I love you, but I'm really angry and disappointed in you for empowering these assholes, and I think it's best if we don't talk for a while."

I hope John Roberts has to leave work early because of an incredibly intense migraine focused exactly behind his right eye.

I hope John Roberts wakes in the middle of the night tonight with the realization that, because of him, the British Royal Family has more accountability than the President of the United States, and before he can even haul himself out of bed pukes on his duvet in spontaneous, visceral repulsion at his own execrable betrayal of the American principles he pretends to live by.

I hope John Roberts doesn't get invited to Leonard Leo's birthday party even though Leo is who asked the Supreme Court to strike down Trump's tariffs, and that Roberts feels sad and lonely about that.

I hope John Roberts stopped at the library today eager to borrow a copy of John Grisham's latest novel but they told him the waitlist was 12 weeks long.

I hope last night John Roberts was visited by the ghosts of Thurgood Marshall, William F. Brennan, and Louis Brandeis, and they all told him that unlike Scrooge there was no hope of salvation for him as Antonin Scalia, wrapped in chains and half-buried in burning feces, nodded sad confirmation.

I hope John Roberts lost track of the days over the weekend and fell asleep last night thinking it was still Saturday and slept in this morning and was relaxing in his easy chair with a cup of coffee when the phone rang with a frantic clerk wondering where the hell he was.

@msbellows I hope he has some non-fatal but exceedingly discomfiting and painful medical problem.