Ben RamseyWhen Pandora’s jar exploded, they decided a jar was too fragile, so they used a box instead.
Who knew Hercules was a creation myth about the solar system?
The Greek gods lived on the moon?
How do you fuck up Greek mythology so much?
I’ve been trying to come up with some kind of cultural appropriation joke, but I’m coming up short. Like, you’re all white people. Greek mythology is the mythology of white people. How do you fuck it up?
Yeah, Zeus! Stop messing with peoples’ fates!
Hercules and Moses strangely share a similar backstory.
Wow. The gods have a really cool-looking space-ship in the shape of an hour glass.
Hercules, have you ever heard of a windmill or a watermill?
Hercules is pulling out some of the best WWE moves on this bear.
Holy shit! Hercules threw the bear out into space! It left orbit! This has to be the BEST THING WE’VE WITNESSED IN MONSTERDON THIS YEAR!
Daedalus has a very interesting cod piece.
Daedalus’s solution to Hercules is LEGO® Mindstorms®.
Hercules launched a bear into space, and we're supposed to believe he’s struggling to pull three medium-sized boulders?
This LEGO® makes horrible sounds when it fights.
He says “farewell, mother” with all the emotion of a graham cracker.
“That man is different from all the others. Send him to my quarters after the fight.”
Now, we find the tie-in to Pinky and the Brain!
When she says the oracle said she will marry whoever sees her face first, Hercules looks like he’s about to rip it off.
Hercules: “Cassiopeia, please put the veil back. You’re not as pretty as I was led to believe.”
They take him “well out to sea” and drop him water that’s only 10 feet deep.
“I’m not a witch, I’m your wife.”
“Daedalus, not your LEGO® again.”
“Could I just see it grow a bit? It would mean a great deal to me. Please?”
It’s not *that* kind of movie!
“Circe, stop being a back-seat fighter!”
Did they just include Bifröst with Greek mythology?
Hercules: “Circe, this boat moves way too slow. I could just walk there at this rate.”
Some of the dialogue in this film makes me think the script was originally written for a porno, but it was then optioned by a regular studio and went through several rounds of rewrites before making it to this point.
“Where we’re going, we don’t need horses.”
What planet were they over when the rope broke and dropped them into the water?
Voltron stands guard over the Port of Thira?
Whoever recorded the voices for the mechanical creatures just didn’t have their heart in their performance.
Is King Minos like the science version of Oscar Wilde?
“Science for the sake of science.”
“Art for art’s sake.”
Wait? When did we get to Atlantis? I thought we were on Thira. Or maybe Thebes? Where are we?!
She sells seashell bras by the seashore.
“We have eliminated all doubt. There is no uncertainty. … Where was I?”
King Minos, nothing you say has any basis in science. WTF are you going on about?
Dude, you’re Hercules. You threw a cow and a log into space. Open the damn door yourself!
Kind Minos: “I will fight Hercules with my science sword!”
Hercules killed all those people just to free one person.
Cassiopeia answered him in the most ambiguous way. “I am all of them and none of them.”
So...which is it?
That’s a wrap! We just watched Lou Ferrigno flex for an hour and a half with some of the cheesiest dialogue, feats of strength, and bastardized mythology we’ve witnessed yet. It was great.
As always, thanks to @Taweret for hosting, @cherizilla for the bingo card, @JoeWynne for the drink recipe and trivia, @ryan for the live stream, @paco for data analysis at https://gallery.don.monster, @combatwombat for the replay, and all of you for making it awesome!
Scarab (Sarah)