ZERO PARADES: FOR DEAD SPIES: ohhh my god. the ratio of people who have An Opinion on this game vs. people who have actually played it will be fucking unreal. by pandering hard to Disco freaks (none of whom trust ZA/UM by this point), all of this game's positive aspects-- its clarified stat system, its more in-depth health mechanics, its intriguing John Le Carre-influenced burnt spy plot-- will not matter in the face of one question: is this Art, or just a Product?
https://store.steampowered.com/app/2863680/ZERO_PARADES_For_Dead_Spies/
VAMPIRE CRAWLERS: this game will have two kinds of players:
1. Those who think it is, y'know, fine.
2. Those who are experiencing severe health symptoms from being nailed to it every waking moment like the cursed film in Infinite Jest.
there will be many, *many* mods for this on Nexus which replace nearly every asset in the game with a dizzying miasma of infantile, half-melted anime women. for the second type of player, this game IS sex.
500 CALIBER CONTRACTZ and CICADAMATA": These two share the same prophecy because they share the same fate: they are exclusively for edgelord transgender speedrunning submissives who have rewired the motion sickness gland in their brains to serve as twitch reflex boosters instead. i will not be playing much of these games myself, but i'm sure i'll be in a spit chain with many, many people who are, and who won't shut up about them during sex
https://store.steampowered.com/app/2571410/
https://store.steampowered.com/app/3817250/
HELLSLINGER: I couldn't test this out because it's built in GZDoom and doesn't have controller support. it also appears to have been forged from a gonzo furry webcomic on ComicGenesis in 2006 and then shot forward in time, in some sort of reverse 12 Monkeys-style situation. the scrying pool's results are currently inconclusive. in this prophetess's opinion, though, no trailer i've seen has made me actually physically fist-pump in real life harder than this one
TITANIUM COURT: this is it. this is The One. this is going to be the game that makes the entire indie game community fall in desperate hormone-addled-teenager-grade love with it. it will get snubbed at the Game Awards, and all of your jaded, snooty game dev friends will say this is further proof that old man Geoff couldn't find his ass with both hands. and they're right, too. your spouse or relative who Doesn't Usually Play Many Games will fucking ADORE this game.
The game doesn’t give them any satisfaction for this, no crit noise, no cranial firework of gore, and yet they remain fixated on their grim task. Now you KNOW you’re gonna have to talk to their parents about this, and there’s nothing a parent wants to hear less than a childless person telling them how they should be raising their kid.
Maybe it’s fine if you don’t. It’s probably fine, right?
LUNA ABYSS: Hey, speaking of megastructures! Shortly after this game comes out, a smut artist you follow will become intensely, feverishly obsessed with one of the little prison planet freaks in this game. They will draw so much wacky pornography of this obscure character, both in-universe and in their own AUs, that it will blot out the internet's collective knowledge of its gameplay or plot. The devs won't know what to do with this.
the illustrious IRIS JAY
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