Mastodawn

My therapist is warning me about potentially having to report my family to the authorities. How do I avoid being reported so the cops don't show up and make everything worse?

https://lemmy.world/post/42686947

My therapist is warning me about potentially having to report my family to the authorities. How do I avoid being reported so the cops don't show up and make everything worse? - Lemmy.World

I (23M) started therapy today, hooray! Only problem is, my family is too goddamn spicy. Once I got into my brother’s (25M) increasingly homicidal fantasies and animal killings, she stopped me before I mentioned the threats he made to kill people and told me that she is a mandated reporter and has an obligation to report certain situations to the authorities. I think adding police to the equation will make everything worse and immediately paint a target on my back because I am the only one who would ever disclose the violence that happens under this roof. It might result in me being homeless if I have to flee for my life. I live in Ohio and it’s the middle of winter, so not a great start. I wanted to work with a therapist because I grew up in this place and it traumatized me so badly that I’m scared of leaving this dump. How much will I have to tiptoe around here? Is merely being afraid that someone will use violence against me reportable? What about if they fantasize about murder and domestic terrorism? What about violent crimes that they committed in the past? Or specific threats in the present? Is therapy just not the right fit for this kind of thing? Did I end up with a heavy duty “fuck you” problem and therapy is just for “I feel sad sometimes” problems? It feels like bullshit to have to self-censor so much just because things were harder for me. How is throwing cops at the problem supposed to help when there is no universal basic sustenance or housing for the victims to escape to?

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fizzle Feb 5

Rather than seeking to avoid reporting, your objective is really to find an alternative living situation.

You had some great responses when you asked about this before, like this one:

https://sh.itjust.works/post/52834885/23007083

Did you follow up on any of that ?

What should I do if my violent brother is threatening to kill my parents (who I financially depend on and live with) and they aren't taking it seriously? - sh.itjust.works

I (23M) live in an abusive household (Ohio, USA) with narcissistic asshole parents, bad enough that I was insecure about the fact that I was seemingly the only one in the family who could experience love or empathy. I haven’t been able to move out yet because I have disabilities and no job. My older brother was a brooding quiet kid, so for a long time, I didn’t know exactly how he was affected by his upbringing, except that he had anger issues. My parents always shrugged off my fear of him, accusing me of overreacting, even when he killed a bird with his bare hands and displayed its corpse in a tree in the backyard. Today, he’s a strong 6’2" guy with military training and a gun. My worst fears were confirmed when he displayed a pattern of escalating threats and violence over the past year or so. In October 2024, when he thought I wasn’t around, he candidly told my dad that he would be willing to kill me if there were no consequences. Last February, he remorselessly beat his girlfriend’s cat to death (she did not press charges), which my parents saw as petty drama. Last June, he gleefully described his fantasies of shooting up peaceful protests, which my parents shrugged off. A few hours ago, I experienced the most terrifying moment of my life. I was in my bedroom when an argument broke out between my brother and my parents about finances. When my brother didn’t get the response he wanted and my dad started heckling him, he erupted in a way that I had never witnessed before. “I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!! MESS WITH ME, MOTHERFUCKER, I’LL SLICE YOU UP!! DIE, BITCH, DIE!!” He screamed at the top of his lungs in a roaring voice he had never used before, repeatedly threatening to kill my dad. My heart was beating out of my chest as I prepared to dial 911 and leap out my bedroom window. I waited tensely for the sound of gunshots or my parents screaming. Since I was holed up in my room, I couldn’t see if he was brandishing a weapon. “Okay, that’s enough,” my mom said in a casually disapproving tone that was psychotically unfitting for the severity of the situation. (My parents aren’t exempt from his violence, as my father was struck in the head by him a few years prior.) After a couple more minutes of horrifyingly unhinged screams and threats, my brother finally reverted back to “regular pissed off” mode and left to hang out in the woods, while my parents continued to go about their day as if nothing had happened. So… I can’t fucking believe I’m in this situation. For years my parents told me I was overreacting and paranoid, and I kind of believed them. I always thought that murder was a far-off threat that I would read about on the Internet but never be faced with myself. It’s so hard to shake off this feeling of normalcy and relative stability, and part of me wants to just forget what happened like my parents do. Being uprooted from my home and having to suddenly figure everything out with physical limitations, chronic fatigue, no friends, no home, and no job, in the middle of a cold winter, feels dangerous in itself. I don’t know what to do. A lifetime of abuse has made me stupid. I feel like if I contact law enforcement, they won’t keep my brother away for long enough for me to get my life in order and make a clean break. He’s almost certain to know that I called the cops, so he will be able to target me after whatever light questioning or slap on the wrist they give him. Plus, my parents will likely try to sabotage my efforts to stay safe. If I contact the authorities or any kind of help resource and it gets back to my family, I will have placed a bright red target on my back and won’t be able to undo it. It is very hard to focus with the constant threat of violence looming over my shoulder. I failed my last semester of college because my brother suddenly became much more domineering and threatening, and I became too paranoid to even use the bathroom, let alone study. I can’t think straight. I need help, but I don’t know how to get help in a way that protects me from retaliation.

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tyler Feb 5

Yeah seems like maybe they should have followed at least one of those things in that post. I had commented there too, but OP only responded to the people telling them to do something obviously stupid. Any helpful response got no response in turn.

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lonefighter Feb 5

I’ve read a few of OPs posts and I don’t want to sound harsh but can’t tell if they’re genuinely looking for help or if they’re just stuck in a self-pity-I-need-a-savior loop. OP, are you a bird who is flying repeatedly into a window while there’s an open door right there because you’re too terrified and traumatized to realize you could just fly away, or are you truly locked in a cage? You’ll never know unless you ask for help opening the door. Maybe it’s locked and the key is unreachable, but maybe someone will hand you the keys. Yes, in today’s world funding is being cut, but it still exists, and there are still organizations that help victims.

Now this part is harsh and maybe it’s unfair to you and if so I apologize, but you can either start to be an adult, start to help yourself and ask for help and see if you find any, or you can realize that you don’t actually want help, that you’d rather stay in your miserable situation and aren’t actually looking for change. Because I see people who hate the awful situation they’re in but are so trapped in a victim mentality to actually want to stand on their own 2 feet and escape. I grew up in an abusive home and it was nowhere near as bad as what you are living in but it’s hard getting out and re-acclimating to the world, but you can either be miserable and trapped for your entire life or you can start to do scary things and take the chance that you find a way out of this.

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sprigatito_bread

can’t tell if they’re genuinely looking for help or if they’re just stuck in a self-pity-I-need-a-savior loop.

It’s both. I’m genuinely looking for help on a tough situation, and I possess a weak learned helplessness mindset that causes me to give up too easily. The replies I get here are helpful, but at the end of the day, the biggest difference will be my own ability to change the way I think through a combination of self-reflection and therapy. Nobody can help me with that except for me.

It’s true that I live with violent and controlling people, but that doesn’t mean they can control me 24/7. It’s true that public services are being eroded, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any left. It’s true that modern society alienates us from one another, but that doesn’t mean people can’t care about me.

My abusers are incredibly stupid, weak, and short-sighted in a lot of ways, and it may well be that the reason I’ve been stuck is because I have also been stupid, weak, and short-sighted. My stated goal of therapy is to get rid of my fear-based mindset and start using my brain more, because fear is stopping me from being rational. That’s why my words and actions appear to be so contradictory: I’m in the process of recognizing my own agency and their weaknesses, but I keep snapping back to old patterns where they seem all-powerful and I feel helpless. It’s probably frustrating for the people reading.

How do any of the readers here know that my situation is as dire as I make it out to be? Could it be that my fear is painting a far worse picture than reality? If so, how can I possibly be a reliable narrator for what’s actually happening in my life? If things were truly hopeless, my abusers wouldn’t have to tell me every single day. They literally tell me I will fail every time I try something.

I think if I ask any more questions on Lemmy, it should be while I’m in the process of getting out, not asking people to plan my entire escape. Like, asking for advice on step 23B after I’ve figured out and completed steps 1-22, instead of asking for steps 1-100 before I’ve done anything.

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tyler Feb 6

This was a very well written response, good on you. Just one final piece of advice. A therapist will sit with you and wait for you to reveal something over the course of years. You can take your time telling them. Likewise, you shouldn’t tell them certain things until you trust them. Because their decisions will reflect in your mind differently based on your relationship with them.

In this case you can simultaneously do things from the last post and this post, they aren’t mutually exclusive. But you should do something to get out of the situation, before it’s too late.

Good luck.