Sometimes I feel like a little kid that doesn't know how to play with other kids, and I want one of the confident kids that are everybody's friend to take my hand, draw me into the group, and help me meet everyone. And make sure afterwards that I'm OK.

It's stupid. It's stupid that I haven't grown beyond being a little kid with some social interactions.

And confident and sociable people, exactly the kind of people who could help like that, usually don't understand how hard it is for people like me.

Guess I'm writing this so that people who navigate their social circles with ease would understand what it feels like to be completely on one's own and having zero fucking idea what to do. And I guarantee you, you HAVE someone in your extended friend group who has this "little lost kid" mentality the way I do.

Not all of them need that kind of hand-holding, some would be intimidated by that. And some just like being on their own. But some would benefit from that greatly. I strongly doubt I am unique and special.

It feels unfair that outsiders and losers like me receive no help and no support. Not even from people who otherwise like us. I don't think y'all sociable types understand that what is as natural as breathing for y'all is not just difficult for us, but completely incomprehensible.

Like, I wouldn't know where to start. When I get introduced to a new group of people, even people who are super welcoming, I just sort of stand there (figuratively when it's online, literally when it's in person) and try to figure out what to do. And I just get more confused when time passes. Then I just start waiting for something to click and for the miracle to happen, but it almost never does.

And then I disengage and eventually leave, because sometimes there's nothing more lonely than being in a crowd.

EDIT: and to be clear - no, it's not about a one-time introduction. After I'm introduced to everyone, I still have no idea what to do next. If it is to help any, it has to be an ongoing thing at least for a little while. Being led into the group and then left to deal with things on my own is worse than being left on the periphery, because now I'm in the deep end of the pool and I can't swim.

EDIT 2: and also, the "little kid" metaphor is quite deliberate. As awful as kids can often be, some of them do have this instinct to walk up to the shy kid and go "would you like to come play with us?". Adults often lose this intuition/ability, I am not sure why.

#actuallyautistic