The whole thing is rubbish. The trick is finding a balance between extremes. My balance isn't going to be your balance, but can be a useful gauge for beginners.

I can see why it’s listed though. I tend to try to improve myself ad infinitum, and never start living and making mistakes. I’ve heard this so much that I’m pretty sure it’s one of the big reasons I haven’t been dating for a long time, even though I should. Funnily enough, my therapist told me to stop thinking and improving and just try it out. And she was right.

So it’s not a wrong thing generally to say, but sometimes people have a hard time wrapping up the healing process and just trying things. And that’s when it gets bad.

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. It’s deciding that the fact you were hurt in the past won’t control how you react to getting hurt, or the possibility of getting hurt, in the future. It only applies to situations you decide to perpetuate. Resentment without “holding the hot coal” is a perfectly reasonable alternative when getting hurt; you can decide you will continue to react negatively to getting repeatedly hurt rather than accepting it, without holding onto it as extra pain on top of the hurt you experience. But we don’t really have a word for that in-between, recognition/acknowledgement are maybe the best. But you can hold on to the fact that you are being repeatedly injured and acknowledge that.

I always took that to mean until u achieve inner peace u cannot effectively grow that close to someone without hurting them. If ur together for long enough ull end up sharing a few traits negative included.

That is a very common reply when someone loses a loved one from a natural disaster or disease. Your child didn’t die from cancer just to teach you a lesson, it was just an unfortunate tragedy (I will admit that sometimes that cancer was because of some evil, polluting, asshole corporation).

Yeah, I'll just end depression real quick.

You’re thinking on a global scale where the therapist is likely talking about the small systems of people immediately surrounding an individual

I will dismantle the petrol-car-alcohol-war systems that made a friend die of a car crash

Well not with that attitude

You don’t have to think on a global scale to have meaningful impact on your immediate environment. Whether that be the friends that you keep, separation from a relationship or family, holding an abuser accountable, starting a labor movement at your job, moving out of a toxic community, working to fix a toxic environment, etc. All of society is a series of systems at every level.

When I was fresh out and brickier than a townhouse, I used to take my mom to chemo treatments where we’d both get told how brave we are. Like in both cases the alternative was dying.

I’d imagine it’s a similar feeling to an army accountant being thanked for their service.

I had a shitty childhood with as-yet undiagnosed autism and ADHD. Teachers didn’t try to understand me, my mom outright called me “weird” and asked “why can’t you be normal?” all the time, and classmates picked on me for any reason they could think of. But the phrase “You’re very strong,” is something I occasionally heard from random adults. From the first time I heard it (around age 11), I was confused at what people were talking about. I would think, “I spend every afternoon crying, how can I be ‘strong’?”

When I became a teenager and friends talked about self-harm and suicide, I didn’t get it. A school counsellor I talked to called me “strong” again in that context, but to me I thought, “I’m just trying to survive, and that’s ‘strong’? Not doing a thing I consider stupid and pointless is a strength?” I knew the word was a compliment, and I didn’t get many of those so I didn’t dig into it. But the way I saw myself was as a weak kid, who must be a terrible person since I was in trouble and picked on all the time without understanding why.

As an adult, I see it now. I remain “myself” despite the pressures around me. Becoming an adult and seeing how many people don’t navigate with a strong moral compass, who are swayed by disinformation and hate with ease, who have little idea of who they really are, it makes more sense.

But as a kid? Those traits were liabilities. I didn’t conform, and authoritarians (both adults and child bullies, AKA boot-lickers and mini-boot-lickers) have a big problem with that.

It’s a strange compliment to get sometimes, but it did stick with me. I just wish those who use the term would explain a bit of what is so strong about the person they’re complimenting. I wouldn’t be surprised if many kids hear compliments like this and don’t know what they really mean.

I mean, but when you have to hear it all the time, y'know, like most people don't, it kinda just... feels wrong. It's probably pretty nice to hear when you're in deep shit though.

That’s crazy! So similar to the road to Democracy™ that apparently includes seizures and meal reductions, among other benefits.

• unsourced bullet point advice is unlikely to fix your mental health.

I like that. Got any more?

That’s a theory in a vacuum. The more failed solutions, the fewer the pool of untried ones remain, ergo: unsourced bullet points’ chances of doing exactly that effectively go up. 🤌🏼

Hot take, bullet lists instead of numbered list, while everyone talks about number X is annoying as fuck

would like to see a source or at least more information… otherwise this is just low-information vibes, a meme that succeeds by speaking to common experiences without necessarily being rooted in anything more substantive (i.e. a mirror rather than reflection or analysis)

My only regret is that I have but one upvote to give.

The reason may have absolutely nothing to do with you, not even “fuck you.” Just shitty random bad luck.

Given the random nature of the universe, point 1 is the only one I am pretty confident is true. The universe is a basically a massive probability function ^⁠_⁠^

I don’t want to drag anyone else into my shit until I get it figured out.

That’s a form of perfectionism and it isn’t healthy. Perfection does not exist, it’s entirely imaginary. You may think “I’m not aiming for perfect” but l need to tell you something important, yes you are. Whatever your mental model of desirable is, whatever it entails, that is your version of perfectionism, and it’s unhealthy. It’s okay to pursue growth and change, but you also need to learn to accept yourself for who and what and how you are right now. You are always changing. You always have and always will. You can work with that. You can make it work. You’re worthwhile just as you are. When you make progress toward a goal, celebrate it, but if you don’t feel like you are making progress you can still celebrate the effort. Everyone does what they can, and doing what you can is what makes you worthwhile, not the outcome, but the effort.

I have been the person to say that. Usually because I’m shocked by what someone told me and I feel the need to say something, anything, to break the silence.

I think you can go down the list though.

• “You’re strong!”
• “Thanks for having the courage to tell me.”

In truth, I’m not a therapist. I don’t have the training to talk to a person sharing their trauma with me. I usually just freeze, like deer in the headlights, and then I worry about how the person who just shared what they did is feeling.

What would you prefer that people say instead?

I’ll take it over ghosting. Cuz there’s a ton of cowards who will run to the hills so they don’t have to face your trauma as ‘something that bums them out’. Even family. So I don’t want to make it harder for them to even talk or think about it by laying out land mines to make them feel shit.

So someone says sorry or anything or even if they want to hangout and we don’t talk about it even is just fine with me.you learn who your real friends are in trauma. Even a sorry is fine from a friend.